Tuesday, January 31, 2012

been there, done that

times two.

i have to admit, i quelled a lot of my fears about getting pregnant with stella when the twins were eight months by repeating the following.....

"you're good! you just did this! with two babies! you won't have time to forget! you'll know what to do!"

first statement: not true, second and third: true, true, last: not true and not true.

we are in crisis mode, people.
stella not sleeping is taking a toll on my already fragile mind and dilapidated body.
and, i feel like i got punked by a two month old.
how do you sleep for two and a half months and then decide to wake up every hour?
so rude.

i'm at a loss.
we got to the point with the twins where we had no option but to let them cry it out.
it's torture for me.
but, being sleep deprived is torture.
i see words dangling off of my tongue and sometimes i don't even no what they mean.
or what i'm saying.
i am getting so little sleep that i wake up angry.
and i take it out on my babies. and husband. and probably my family?
do i?
i'm sorry if i do.

last night i decided maybe it was time to unswaddle stella.
she rolled over while swaddled the night before so i thought "that's it! she wants to sleep on her belly!"
bad move.
she was up probably twelve times last night.
at four o' clock i couldn't take it anymore.
i swaddled that little burrito and got and hour and a half of sleep.

i just had two babies.
i don't know what i'm doing with the third.
do i swaddle?
break the swaddle?
does she cry it out?
i can't live like this.
my twins don't stop.
i need to stop.
i need to sleep.
if my husband wakes up one more time and says "how was stella last night" i'm going to punch him.
or better yet, i will keep the monitor on so he can hear for himself how she was.
he sleeps through everything.
when i wake up to stella's body wiggling around i turn the monitor off, start crying, and just watch the video monitor.
so he won't wake up.

and i sit, and punch my pillow, and whisper scream "what do i do?"

what do i do?

this morning i feel asleep on the couch while i was snuggling with the twins.
i couldn't stay awake.

i woke up to them sitting on their little couches that they had somehow put on the big couch.
i can't believe the house was still standing.

i'm getting desperate. help me.

does this post even make sense?


  1. It totally makes sense! You seem considerably "with it" in your post seeing how sleep deprived you clearly are! It sounds like a nightmare...but it is totally normal! These babies get a kick out of lulling you into a false sense of security and them WHAM...throw you a curve ball like stella is! There isn't much I can advise apart from the whole crying it out (which worked for me, even though it was so hard!) Another idea in the you have any friends or family that would take the children for you for a few hours to give you some me time? (sleep, shower in peace, drink a hot cuppa...sounds divine doesn't it?!!) Good luck and if it's any consolation, you look like you're doing a fab job! xx

  2. Ditto to "twinkling stars" response!
    If anyone can come in & take over during the "crying it out" so you can go for a walk around the block or something just til little Stella gets beyond that, it might help make it easier on you.
    Hang tough mama! You ARE doing a great job.

  3. I've researched the cry it out method and saw quite a few negative things, one being that research showed that children are more likely to develop ADHD. That was enough for me to make another excuse of why not do make him cry. Price rolls to his belly the second I put him down. I recently put 4 pacifiers in his playpen which is right next to my bed, and he wakes up and puts it in his mouth. For the last 3 nights, he has slept much better. Jeff and I are going on 9 months with no sleep! I feel your pain! Pass any helpful information my way. I need it!

  4. I heard stories about crying it out and ADHD lately also, but what i think they were referring to was the crazy kind of letting them cry it out. the never ever soothing kind. there's definitely a way overboard way you can use that method. One thing that worked for me with Benjamin and Bethan was setting the alarm. It eventually helped them sleep through the night, but in the meantime it just gave me a little extra sleep. When they would wake up screaming I would set the alarm for like 5 minutes, and turn the monitor off or the volume down. Then when the alarm went off I'd check the monitor to see how they were. Sometimes i would hit snooze and go back to sleep. But most of the time just that extra few minutes of peace was WONDERFUL. knowing that i would be woken up in ___ minutes by the alarm gave me a way to go back to sleep peacefully. After a few nights of setting it for 5 minutes i'd set it for 8ish, then 10, then 15, you get the picture. eventually they were sleeping all the way through the night. but like i said, even when they weren't, it just helped me wake up more peacefully to take care of them since i had just had a little tiny nap in the middle of the night.

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  6. so my kids are 12, 4, 4, and 2.5. same age gap between twins & baby as yours. AND same genders. when baby girl was not sleeping thru the night at 5-6months old i gave her the ole' heeve ho into her brother/sisters room. something about all three of them in the same room made a difference...she slept like a charm! i was terrified at first that i would have THREE kiddos up all night bc someone woke someone up domino affect, but it didn't happen. i think they adjusted to eachothers sleeping noises/patterns and it actually helped littlest lul herself back to sleep. dunno. i was! nothing is worse than feeling like your loosing it at home with three littles.

  7. Thanks Sarah and Patti : ))) I am so far from "with it" that it is scary ; ) James - that is such a good idea and I am trying it tonight.

  8. STEPHANIE! You are the most brave woman in the world! Wow! That sounds terrifying but I will not rule it out. Thanks for the advice!!!

  9. i can relate to sleep deprivation! with my second we did the progressive waiting thing also....5 min then 8 then 10 and so on after i read a book by somebody with the last name ferber. it worked like a charm. good luck and remember, this too shall pass. at least that is what i am telling myself at 3 am when my husband is snoring through the baby screaming his head off!

  10. I love reading your blog because you bring the honesty! {And, you are very funny, btw!} My second girl is 5 months now and she used to be an awesome sleeper. Within the last month, she's been waking almost every hour and has pretty much slept in our bed, attached to my boob. My husband is out of town for the next TWO WEEKS and I figure there is no time like the present to have her cry it out. It pains me to no end to do it, but I did it with my first and I know it helps. Otherwise, we are all going to go crazy.

    I did buy the Moms on Call online seminar, but am only halfway through with it. So far, they pretty much say the same thing all the sleeping books say - white noise, routine, black out curtains, nothing in the crib to distract them, and letting them cry. I need to listen to the second half SOON.

    Good luck, and I agree - you need to have some time to yourself too! But, you are doing a better job than I could ever do!