Wednesday, July 25, 2012

when the ish hit the walls

so yesterday i went to get the kids from nap.
i got four inches from their room and i knew it. i smelled it.

you guys.......
poop everywhere from colton.
and the worst part?
they peed through their diapers that morning.
so i took the sheets off.
and they were still in the washing machine for nap time.
why would i have remembered to switch them before nap?

so nap meant no sheets.
and no sheets meant poop all over the mattress.
i obviously started crying.

because when your children are white and look brown you cry.
not because you don't want brown children. it's because when you have white children that are all of a sudden brown, it means they are covered in poop.

after cleaning colton's disaster, thirty minutes later, chloe did the same thing.
i did a lot of research and i knew i had to put them in a cold shower.
warm bath is positive reinforcement.
my kids laughed in a cold shower.
this took my anger to the next level.

while i was giving colton a "shower"
chloe smeared a bottle of toothpaste all over her body.

while i was cleaning chloe, colton emptied a bottle of body wash all over the floor and played in it like a slip and slide.

while i was cleaning the body wash, and letting the mattresses dry, i walked in to this.


after this,
we had a long talk.
probably too long for two year olds.
but we connected.
they felt me.
we agreed that poop was disgusting.
the first thing colton said when he woke up was "i no touch my poo poo"
bravo, buddy, bravo.

until today.
same stuff. different day.

the twins laughed in their cold shower taking me fromm a ten, to a fourteen.

i burst into tears and called my mom.
she came to the rescue.
she helped me clean.
and she left.

after i got my mind right, i started to cook diner counting down the minutes until bed time.
and during dinner chloe came out crying. with bubbles coming out of her mouth.
apparently i left the lysol with bleach wipes too handy and she decided she needed a drink.
you and me both, sister. you and me both.
luckily peggy, at poison control was a lot more friendly than judy.
she assured me that choe would be fine.
she said to give her something to eat because there was alcohol in the container.
i debated doing so because i thought alcohol would ensure a good nights sleep.
against my better judgment, i fed the child.
i actually fed all of the children.

and snuck away to call matt to inform him of the debacle of the day we were having up in hurr.

that's when i heard a bowl shatter.
which meant someone threw their food.

so obviously i cussed matt out
because i can't cuss my children out.
i informed him i would be leaving.

luckily he got in the nick of time and i did what any girl on a carb free diet would do.
i put the kids to bed and poured a glass of wine and ordered pizza.

and then i proceeded to google "why the hell are my two year old twins smearing poop all over the place someone help me before i lose my ever loving mind like right now please."

and then i got annoyed because people were referring to their children as 35 months old.
ummm isn't that pretty much three?

and then some crazy person said it's completely normal. until four.
let me tell you something.......if this happens one more time i won't be around until my kids are four.

one woman said the most important thing is to stay calm. and remind the child in a very sweet voice that poo poo is yucky! it stays in diapers!
she obviously doesn't have twins and is more than welcome to come and try that over here.

some people said this is a sign that they're ready to potty train.
done and done.
well, kind of, they wear diapers for nighttime and nap time.
guess why?

because they smeared poop all over the place when they wore undies to bed!

so hear we sit. my stomach hurting from pizza and my house still smelling like poop.

Lord help me. help me please.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Reason #6,369

 it is so great to be a twin.
you are born with a best friend.
you always have someone to dance in the rain with.

and if your mom is tres cool like ours is?
you get to dance in the rain past bedtime.

and when you fall down?

 someone is always there to pick you up.


that makes it so much easier to get up and dance again.

you are my best friend.

and i promise to love you forever.
and live with you forever.
even when we are married.
and have kids.

oh wait.
that's our mom talking.
chill mom,
you're freakin' nuts.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012


that's what i called you.
or sweet and low.
you loved both.
i will never forget your giggle.

2 days ago it was your birthday.

lora said that if she wasn't pregnant with your
great grandchild,
she would have had a
on the rocks.
with a twist.
for you.

don't worry,
i've got lora covered.

i realize i've never written for you like i should have.
trust me.
i've sat in front of this very screen 1.6 million times.
and every single time i have felt i haven't been able to do you justice.
i hope you know,
my gift has been my silence.
i hope you understand that.

how do you put this face to words?

i haven't been able to.
i still can't.

i will always remember you this happy.
that's why it is so hard to write.

you have made me a better wife.

you make me a better cook.
every time i call mom for one of your recipes i want it to be exact.
i want it to be just like yours.
why didn't you give her prefect measurements?

just like yours.

you make me want to dance.
to have fun.

to just live life.
the rest is just details.
and who wants to deal with those?

you make me want me to love my children,
more than anything in this world.
that's what you did for my mommy.

i hope to do that.

i hope to give them the christmas you gave her.
every holiday .
i want to do that for them.

you were an amazing wife. you were an even better mother.
and you were an even more phenomenal grandmother.
i want to take my kids to the "bogey inn" in dublin.
we'll play bocee ball.
and we'll go to the "popcorn factory".
and we'll learn how to make popcorn.
from the owner.
and i'll tell them that they can pick out three flavors.
and i'll buy them fourty two.
just like you did.
and i want them to play golf.
for you.
and for grandpa.

i want to be you when i grow up.

thank you for always wanting to be the life of the party.
i now know where i get it.
and i'm ok with it.

thank you for always inspiring me to dress to the nines.
right now?
i'm shooting for the threes.
i promise, i will make it to the sevens-ishhhhh.

thank you for letting me try on all of your jewelry.
i realize now that i was trying on a lot of carats. and lots of colored plastic.
thank you for letting me try it on like there was no difference.
i promise to do the same to my babies.
and their babies.

thank you for taking me on thee most ridiculous shopping sprees to the Limited Too and Gap.
i got whatever i wanted. i still remember the smell of those stores.
you made me feel like a princess.

you have no idea what i have taken from you.
what i will make live on.
i want you to be proud.

i wish you were here to see it.
i wish you were here for me to tell you all of the reasons i love you again.
but i will.
in heaven.

i love you grams.
happy birthday.
you are my special little firecracker.
i waited for you on the fourth of july.
it was so very good to see you.

xoxo sweet and low, i love you.

Thursday, July 5, 2012


my name is stella.

my mommy and daddy can't get enough of my piggies.

so much so that my mommy has done an entire blog on them.

so here are too many pictures of my piggies.

i'm sorry for that.