Friday, October 12, 2012

the bad , the ugly , and finally......the good.

ya know,
being a parent is so hard.

instead of getting thanked for your hard work,
you get screamed at.
because someone wants milk.
and you aren't getting it fast enough. because you are cleaning up pee. on a random surface.
instead of getting a bonus?
you get hit. and thrown up on.

and the worst part?
you don't get a redo.

you can't make a phone call to your boss to fix your wrong doings when your bosses are two and under.
you are raising human sponges.
that watch your every move.
and they soak it up.

you can't have a quick meeting the next morning with three toddlers and explain to them that you reacted poorly because you are just done.
that their screaming all day makes you want to pull your mother loving hair out.
and you flipped out because surely you thought on the 1,347th time, you thought they would realize that you were serious about not reaching up on the freaking counter.

your actions are their example.

the way you react to situations is their model.
that is intense, people.

it is tough going to bed and replaying the day.
slamming your fist on the counter out of frustration? probably not your finest moment.
or cringing remembering the deer in the headlights look your children gave you when you screamed at them like a maniacal psychopath.

i have had way too many of these moments in the past two and a half years.
there has been a lot of cringing.
i wish i could redo a lot.

i can't.
and that is a lot to think about.
for the past two and a half years i have not been the parent that i imagined i would be.

time was lost.
i needed to just make it to breakfast.
then to lunch.
and then in a few short hours, nap would be here.
then please lord let me make it to dinner. will i even make dinner?
bath time
and thank you, bed time, for coming through in the clutch and saving the day.

i am here to tell you, that is no way to live, my friends.
but that's where i was.
just trying to survive.
and just trying to make it through the day.

the good news is, there has been a lightening around here.
those days are far and few between.

i am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.
the fog is lifting.

i am no longer surviving.

i am living.
with my children.

and it feels so good.
we are laughing and hugging a lot.

so i haven't been around here much because i am making up for lost time.

i may not ever make up for the past couple of years.
but it feels really good trying.

it is amazing experiencing days that i am used to reading about wondering when things would calm down enough around here.
so we could all just be happy.

we are all growing up around here. especially me.

but surely.

and we are having so much fun while doing it.

Monday, October 1, 2012

ballerina girl.

you are so
lionel richie anyone?

it has been a hot minute, huh?

i'll explain more later.
really there is no explanation needed other than i've been real busy.
that's it.
so i guess i won't explain more later.

and as much as i want this post to be heartfelt and deep and meaningful,
it's not.
because i'm too tired and the little girl in the photos is so stinkin' cute that i want to share her with you guys right this very second.

it may not be normal to cry at your child first "dance cwass", but i never claimed to be normal.
and i was chill enough to walk away when the tears were really obvious.

but i was just so ridiculously proud of her.
dancin' out on that floor like she owned the joint.
i think she was the best in the class. wink wink.

she glues herself to my knee when she is uncomfortable and talks to me with her eyes.
so i knew doing something by herself would be good for her.
and she pranced out there and did it.
she didn't need me. she didn't need her brother. she just need her "spwinkle weotawd."

i love this little girl madly.
she's my partner in crime.

and if buying your little baby girl her first pair of tap and ballet shoes doesn't shatter your heart?
well, then i don't know what to tell you.