Friday, October 12, 2012

the bad , the ugly , and finally......the good.

ya know,
being a parent is so hard.

instead of getting thanked for your hard work,
you get screamed at.
because someone wants milk.
and you aren't getting it fast enough. because you are cleaning up pee. on a random surface.
instead of getting a bonus?
you get hit. and thrown up on.

and the worst part?
you don't get a redo.

you can't make a phone call to your boss to fix your wrong doings when your bosses are two and under.
you are raising human sponges.
that watch your every move.
and they soak it up.

you can't have a quick meeting the next morning with three toddlers and explain to them that you reacted poorly because you are just done.
that their screaming all day makes you want to pull your mother loving hair out.
and you flipped out because surely you thought on the 1,347th time, you thought they would realize that you were serious about not reaching up on the freaking counter.

your actions are their example.

the way you react to situations is their model.
that is intense, people.

it is tough going to bed and replaying the day.
slamming your fist on the counter out of frustration? probably not your finest moment.
or cringing remembering the deer in the headlights look your children gave you when you screamed at them like a maniacal psychopath.

i have had way too many of these moments in the past two and a half years.
there has been a lot of cringing.
i wish i could redo a lot.

i can't.
and that is a lot to think about.
for the past two and a half years i have not been the parent that i imagined i would be.

time was lost.
i needed to just make it to breakfast.
then to lunch.
and then in a few short hours, nap would be here.
then please lord let me make it to dinner. will i even make dinner?
bath time
and thank you, bed time, for coming through in the clutch and saving the day.

i am here to tell you, that is no way to live, my friends.
but that's where i was.
just trying to survive.
and just trying to make it through the day.

the good news is, there has been a lightening around here.
those days are far and few between.

i am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.
the fog is lifting.

i am no longer surviving.

i am living.
with my children.

and it feels so good.
we are laughing and hugging a lot.

so i haven't been around here much because i am making up for lost time.

i may not ever make up for the past couple of years.
but it feels really good trying.

it is amazing experiencing days that i am used to reading about wondering when things would calm down enough around here.
so we could all just be happy.

we are all growing up around here. especially me.

but surely.

and we are having so much fun while doing it.


  1. I am a mom to 1 year old twins and a 4 year old. I have to tell you that I don't know you and this may sound odd... but when I was reading your post, I was smiling. Because I am proud of you. Proud of you for posting this. Being a mom is hard. Being a mom to twins is harder. And nobody can understand it unless you live it 24/7. You go girl!

  2. I love you and admire you so much. <3

  3. THIS. Amen. I need to take heed. And I only have one child ... with one in the oven. Thank you for this!

  4. Thanks for posting this! It gives me hope. I am so ready to be living again and not just surviving.

  5. Once again, amen, love it, completely agree, and thank you...'cause I'm not quite there yet. I'm hopeful. Mostly, I'm grateful that I don't have many memories before the age of three...they won't either, will they? Will they??? I'm so glad you are having fun!

    1. You are so very sweet! and, yes! wonderful point.....we'll make sure we save all the good parenting for when they can remember ; )))

  6. You are my hero:) Being a parent is hard work. Thank you for posting this. I have a tough time with one almost two year old and a big pregnant belly. In four weeks time our baby boy arrives and our lives as we know it will be turned upside down...but you give me hope that it'll be a 'good' upside down - kinda like a handstand lol

    1. You are so funny : ) I just caught up on your blog this afternoon. Hope you are feeling great!

  7. Such a great post! Just curious...what happened to change it all? This really hit home for me (I am home with a 3 yr old, 2 yr old and 8 mo old kiddos). i have found myself wanting redos a lot lately. when you said that for the past two and a half years you have not been the parent you imagined you would be, it was like you took the words out of my mouth! thanks for the reminder that they are always, always, always watching. and good job turning the corner!

    1. Thank you so much, Tracy......ya know, I'm not really sure. I think it is the combination of the twins growing up and me CONSTANTLY reminding myself to stay patient. It seems like those things propelled a positive spiral vs. a negative spiral, does that make sense?