Thursday, December 29, 2011

it's 6:00 and i'm already drinking.

i have always wanted three kids close together.
i know, be careful what you wish for.
i never envisioned having three within sixteen months.

every day of my life i honestly think at least one time a day
"today might be the day i don't make it"
i don't know exactly what that means.
will i get swept away into some hole with all the other people who have this same thought?
do sometimes i hope someone sweeps me away into said mysterious hole?
but sweep me away just for happy hour.
then i want to come back. kaythanks.

i used to have a good job.
i used to swindle people into buying appliances for a tad bit more than they wanted to spend.
but, just a tad bit, i always wanted them to get a great deal. winkwink.

now i have a better job
but the pay is less.
i don't get paid vacation.
i don't get any vacation.
i don't get raises or promotions.
and frankly, the hours suck.
although i have learned a lot these past two years it still amazes me how insane raising three kids so close in age can actually be.
i have decided that all twins aren't necessarily hard work.

i can assure you my twins are.

and i don't remember what to do with a baby once she decides she doesn't love to sleep?
what do you do?
bumbo for four minutes.
play on the floor for ten minutes.
jump in the jumper for six minutes.
then what?

and while that baby is on the floor, how do you make a one and a half year old understand that he can, indeed, hug his sister too hard.
i find this even more challenging being that i have instructed them to hug me as hard as possible prior to miss thang's arrival on the scene.

it's serious biznass around here.
not the kind i was once accustomed to, but, i can assure you,

where i used to spend my days talking about
margins, profits, coordinating deliveries and construction,

i now ask the same child four hundred sixty two thousand times a day to sit down in his or her high chair.

or tell them not to dive off the couch.

jumping? acceptable. diving? not.

unless there is something soft to land on.
diving is totally acceptable.

i swear to you people, i told matt i needed to check out for six minutes for blog therapy and i looked over and found this. right after i typed that.

around here we have riveting discussions as to why wipes cannot be used to clean household items or faces after they have wiped a booty.
our newest issue is the twins climbing out of the bath tub and diving back in. yes, diving.
i ask the boy twin not to whine so many times a day that i can't even think of a dramatic enough way to end this sentence to do it justice.
i think i use the word pee pee sixty two times a day. and it has three different definitions.
i ask the girl twin not to scream so may times a day that i literally want to punch a wall.
and now the boy twin wants to jump on that train and they try to out pitch one another.
really, it's awesome.

i have a friend who just had a baby and she put on "the book" today that she only had four hours of sleep last night.
i told her i felt her. and i do. stella is a hot mess these days.
she wrote back that she would lose her stuff if she was dealing with 3 on 4 hours of sleep. LOSE IT. she wrote that she has no idea how i do it.
the truth is, it's beautiful, my life.
you've read this blog before?
you know that's not true?
you know i complain way too much?
you're right.
sometimes i need to just throw a pity party and invite all of you to celebrate with me.
it's your fault for rsvp'ing to the party.
the truth is? i don't do it. i lose it all the time.
i cry.
i clench my fists.
and i just move on.
what else are you supposed to do?
luckily, i have learned that losing it makes things worse for the twins.
so i typically go in a another room. and cry. and throw punches in the air.
and come out forcing some sort of psychotic smile hoping the twins don't sniff out my fear.

but the truth is? you only know what you know.
so one seems hard because she doesn't have two.
and three seems hard because i don't have four.
and women with triplets probably wish i would bite my tongue.
and i totally get that. and i welcome it.

oh! what about the duggars?
listen to me, people. when you have nineteen kids, the older kids help take care of the younger kids.
that's how you need to do it.
just have nineteen kids.

they say god only gives you what you can handle but i might have to argue a bit with the man.
i'm starting to think i can't handle.
ya hear that?
can't handle.

i know everyone says these times are fleeting.
and i will miss this.
and to be happy.
and smell the roses with a child on each hip.
but on days like today?
i will tell you that's bs.

thanks for reading complain post #7,395.
stay tuned for #7,396.
i'm sure it will be here tomorrow.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

you know it's good

you want to wake up before your kids.
chrismas feels like it did when you were six years old.
you are so happy being with family that your camera just sits on the counter all night.
you are able to watch relationships between cousins literally intensify before your eyes.
you make a triple batch of pecan tarts and it's still not enough.
you are begging for the clock to stop because how can it almost be over?
your husband says go to sleep.
for the whole night.
i'll take care of the baby.

merry christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

desperate houswives

today my husband came home to a
immaculate house.
the twins were fed and dressed. in real clothes.
the baby was sleeping.
christmas music was streaming through the house.
the washer was spinning and the dryer was humming.
dinner was taken care of.
i dropped ice cubes in matty's cocktail as soon as i heard him open the garage door.
and i was folding clothes.
in heels.

i know.
they don't make 'em like me anymore.

i feel compelled to tell you,
technically twins had eaten.
i had just given them a cookie because i knew he was close to being home and it would keep them happy for at least four minutes.
the baby wasn't really sleeping but she was relatively quiet.
the cleaning ladies had left an hour earlier.
dinner taken care of? yup, we were eating at my sisters.
and the heels?
well, that was just a bold faced lie.
but the cocktail portion is true. except we had a glass of prosecco. so really it isn't true because no ice is needed.

my grandma wood used to make a cocktail for my grandpa every day, keep it in the fridge and drop ice in it as soon as he walked through the door. true story.
i know, i want to be married to her, too.

truth be told i really thought this was how all of my days as a stay at home mom would go.
they were so beautiful in my mind while i was pregnant with the twins.
guess what, my friends, they just aren't.
they never are.

i thought we would
wake up.
i would sip coffee laughing as the giggled through breakfast.
i would go to the gym.
they would nap.
i would iron.
we would bake.
and craft.
we would cook together every night.
and eat around the dining room table
there would be bubble baths and singing.
they would mosey off to bed.
matt and i would talk about our days over wine.
and then i would run over to whoevers house to gossip with the girls.
sounds right, right?

that's how lynette, gabby, susan and brie do it?
so glamorous.

i haven't seen the inside of a gym since before the twins were born.

i just can't keep up.
i don't know how people do it.
not working.
i don't care how you do it.
this parenting gig is no joke, people.

i make lists in my head and stuff just doesn't get done.
someone pees on the floor.
and while i'm cleaning that up someone has emptied the silverware drawer.

i could go on and on and on but i complain enough up in here.

my point is i have yet to figure out how to be a glamorous stay at home mom.
that doesn't mean i'm done trying.
but i know it's going to be a while with all these kids i tend to and what not.
maybe i'll start monday.
with baby steps.
like, i'll get out of my pajamas.

so glamorous, i know.

so no matter how you do it,
one kid
four kids
not working
working from home
working full time
working part time.

you all get a high five from me.
keep up the good work, yo.

oh, and no, we don't have a cleaning lady.
my bestest friend carey was sweet enough to regift a groupon to me when stella was born.
because she's fancy.
and she actually has a cleaning lady.

Friday, December 16, 2011

my dearest stella,

while i do think that your post was a bit ballsy being that we are a week from christmas,
and i'm the one who buys your loot,
i really do appreciate you being so candid.

i understand your predicament
you're choosing the wrong team.
and unfortunately, it looks as though you are going to have to learn that the hard way.

as much as i love you, you being my favorite child ended the first night you stopped sleeping.
you are back to being tied with the twins.
but fear not, my dear, tied with those two is a great spot to be.
the three of you own 99% of my heart
i have to give some to daddy.

i love you all so much.
and i don't want to throw anyone under the bus.
but, i feel it is my duty to bring something to your attention since you are so naive my sweet grasshopper.
have you noticed how angelic those twins have been for the past two weeks?

they may or may not be recruiting you to the dark side to propel themselves onward and upward.
just a thought.
stranger things have happened.
like i said, it is almost christmas.

so just a heads up.....sleep with one eye open as long as you are in cahoots with those twins.
you never know what they are up to.

you will have both eyes open.
you don't sleep anymore
jokes on me.


Thursday, December 15, 2011



there are some things you must understand.
life isn't pretty.
i was fortunate enough to learn that at the ripe age of six weeks.

and sometimes you have to do things that you aren't proud of.
i knew you were scared to death when you found out you were having me.
three kids under one and a half seems daunting, i get it.

so i vowed to give you a beautiful pregnancy in hopes of winning you over.
but i'm smarter than you think.
i even stole your phone to take a pic to introduce myself.

nice to meet you, formally, that is.
i'm stella.

moving on.
i knew you had a great pregnancy with the twins, too.

so, i decided to give you two and a half months of pure bliss just to ensure my top spot on the totum pole.

i latched on and never looked back.
i nestled my sweet face into your little nook.
i only poop once a week,
i even buttered up your sweet spot by sleeping when you wanted me to.
don't get me wrong, coming into this big scary world is tiring.
so my sleeping so much wasn't 100% manipulation

but, on day 64 when i looked you in the eyes?
i knew for a fact that i had you.
you had stars in your eyes.
i knew i could do no wrong.
you even said publicly that i was your favorite.
mission accomplished, my friends.

don't get me wrong, i too will treasure the beautiful time we had together where it was just you and me cuddling in your big comfy bed.
but i knew things were going to have to change.

and in your case?
that would be for the worse.

you see, sweet mommy, i realized quickly that those twins that you call my siblings
weren't exactly thrilled when they found out i was here to stay.
the boy one?
i know he he loves me.
but that sassy little girl?
i could tell she had a little bit of crazy in her. and i knew i needed to take action.
btdubs, why does she always hit me when she's mad at you?

i had to play my cards right.
and i knew my odds were better teaming with them.
winning them over became a necessity.
i need to think about my future and i don't foresee you helping me cover up lies of late curfews and speeding tickets.
i need them, and they need me.

i love you.
i really do.
i need you to know i'm one of them.
i feel bad when you scratch your head and talk to the walls about all that
"what happened to my perfect child" nonsense.
i'm serious. but i also think if you knew how crazy you looked you probably wouldn't do it.
i mean, who talks to walls?
and although i can promise you i'll sleep a little bit more than they did,
the good days are over.
you will remain on your toes at all times.
i need you to know that.
your life will be easier once you succumb to the inevitable.

it is now officially three against one.

i hope you understand.

catch you on the flip side, suckaaaaaa.


Friday, December 9, 2011

is it less annoying in small doses?

i realize it is only december 9th.
and i know we've got a whole lotta december to go.
so, are my christmas posts less annoying in small doses?
probs not.
these moments
that make memories
must be recorded i tell you.

the tree isn't decorated.
but, i did unpack the twins first ornaments from last year.

without any tears thankyouverymuch.

"our first christmas"
i die.

i tend to get emo during the holidays.
but we've got a long way to go people.
so i'll spare you for now.
on sunday?
we're going to see the big mouse.
and the twins have become obsessed with him lately.
so be prepared.
monday may have a post with way too many pictures.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

running, donating, christmas and such

if there is one thing i wish i could do it would be running.
runners just have swagger.
and good bodies.
but a runner, my friends, i am not.

i just can't wrap my head around it.

i definitely can't wrap my head around 26 flippin miles.
who does that?

i'll tell you who.
do i know her?
not exactly. we're internet peeps.
i know her sister, jamie. and if she's half as fun as jamie (which i happen to think that she is because her blog is for real funny) then i'm game to hop on the kellyn bandwagon.

obviously she can tell their story better than i can.
check out this link.

she is running the boston marathon.
for her brother.
and for others.
insane, right?
i think it's amazing.
and you know i love me some sibling lovin'.

so, how does this tie in with christmas you ask?
well, i'll tell you.

with three kids comes three times the crap.
these kids have so much.
too much.
we're running out of room.
and the last thing we need around here is more stuff.
so, we have decided, each christmas we are going to donate to a charitable cause in their names.
i know, they'll be thrilled in a few years, right?
less presents more donating?
but, we need to teach them about giving and all that other not fun stuff that kids need to learn.

so this year?

we're running for ryan
figuratively, of course.
i can't make it around my block let alone all of boston.

so go read kellyn's blog.
she'll make you laugh.
and i'm sure the more you read, the more she'll write.

and donate lots of your dollars.
girlfriend just found out that ipods are "frowned upon" during the race so she needs a little pick me up.

i know.
i know.
how do you run 26 miles minus rad music?
there are lots of ways to donate.

go here to find out how.

and if you want one of her to make you one of her adorable homemade aprons make sure you let her know you're in no rush.
she has like 4 bajillion orders to fill.

kellyn, you'll be happy to know my mom randomly made chloe an apron for christmas so you're off the hook.
now you have more time to run.
ugh. that sounds terrible.

ya'll know how good it feels to give.
so, i'll spare you the lecture as long as you give to someone, somehow this season mkay?

Monday, December 5, 2011

we're getting there

i always feel like it's too early to decorate.
and then i realize it's too late.
good thing i have elves to help this year.

Friday, December 2, 2011

to my cousin katie studying in tulane's library at 11:30 on a friday night

i have to admit.
i'm not laughing at you, i'm laughing with you.
although, i must admit, better you than me.
i just laid my head down to go to sleep.
i know, you're jealous.
even though i know i won't sleep tonight, i am glad that i am not in the library studying for exams.

you must feel like this right about now.

but keep on studying!
 you'll be home soon and we can play!

not to be selfish
 i just thought of something,
have you decided what type of law you for sure want to study?  

i just want to make sure if i need you one day you'll be there.

silly girl,
it's not that i plan on being bad! 

it would just be nice to have our own little elle woods in the family.
know what i mean?

so, study hard and keep up the good work,
you got this.

love you,

Thursday, December 1, 2011

chili cuz it's chilly

so here we are.
it's december people.
i just put a pair of six month pajamas on my three and a half month daughter.
i just don't get it.

i need at least one to stay little.
i can't change that you say?
ok, guess i'll just have another baby.

i kid.
i kid.

we made our first batch of winter chili.
and by we, i mean me.

and this kid?
has started doing something new.
he makes the face below
while while saying
moaw. moaw. moaw. moaw. moaw. moaw.
moaw. moaw.
did you guess more?
you were right.
the funny part isn't the moaw.
no my friends.
it's the intensity and the pitch change at each progressive moaw.
and higher
and higher.
in the end? it's like mariah carey high.

and girlfriend still loves her some food.
so far cantaloupe is the only thing she doesn't like.
smart kid.
that stuff is boo.
she used to not like raw spinach but she's come around.
again, smart kid.

and it appears as though the boy has become a vegetarian.
he and meat broke up about a month ago.
unless it's fried.
again, smart kid.
last night he literally ate every bean in his chili successfully dodging all pieces of meat.

the new cutest thing that they do?

i know.
i know.
i die.
notice the death grip on the high chair?
they pull each other closer so they can feed each other.
chloe will fill her spoon and say "bye, bye? bubba?"
that means bite, bite? bubba?

feeding themselves sloppy meals almost always results in a soak.
it's just easier.

they were so good today.
thank you, jesus.
because this girl
quit sleeping.

it happened like six weeks ago.
i didn't want to tell you guys because i know it's my fault.
and i was hoping it was just a phase.
my cousin angie told me a long time ago
and i did.
way too early apparently.

sweet girl, have mercy on my soul.
waking up six times a night is no good.
no good i tell you.
but do you want to know what's funny?
i always say to matt,
"is six times a night normal?"
"it's not that bad, is it?"
"i mean, it feels bad on my crazy mind but is six times really that bad?"
i feel like it isn't because the twins would wake up like 62 times a night.
i'm exaggerating, it was really like 58 times.
so six times still doesn't feel that bad.

help me.
how did you sleep train your child?
with the twins we made them cry it out (in a less harsh way) but they were seven months.
i don't think i can wait that long with this sweet pea but i am no where near ready to do that tonight.
tomorrow? maybe, but not tonight.
so flood me with amazing advice por favor.
now if you'll excuse me i must get back to this.

and my fingers are sticky from the s'more i am eating
making it difficult to type.