chateau st. joe

i am writing this with an emotional heart.
fresh out of the hospital where my son spent the night.
and fresh out of my uncle's 90th surprise birthday party.
and i caught glimpses of my grandpa, through my uncle.
when he lauged.
they way he held out his arms like my grandpa used to do.
and for a minute, i felt like he was here again.
i'm in a sentimental mood.

i watched a slideshow.
where scabs of my grandpa's death were ripped off by seeing his sweet face as i watched his life progress through the camera's eyes.

where cuts, from my grandma's death, that haven't even had the chance to scab were torn open.

where i had to watch my cousins cry quietly
because they were to celebrate their grandfather
but at the same time,
they were watching their beautiful mother
on screen
missing her
because she was taken from us too soon.

i painfully watched my great aunt sobbing because she missed her daughter.
i'm sure there is no greater pain.

i saw tears in my dads eyes.
i know he wanted to be there celebrating his uncle's birthday
next to his dad
who is no longer here.

and my mom? her wounds are still so fresh from losing her mother.

yes my mom was at her ex husbands, uncle's birthday party.
and no my stepmom wasn't, she was out of town.
my mom's dad was there, too.
weird?
i know.
we're kind of like a new age brady bunch where every one gets along.


this week has been a roller coaster of emotion for my family and me.
high highs.
and the potential of low lows.
thank God we came out healthy.
and stronger.
and once again i have an even greater appreciation for my family.
and for my husband's family.
that surge of adrenalin?
when you actually feel love?
there's nothin' better.
and if you are a part of my family?
you get to experience that feeling a lot.

for the past couple of days we have lived life with a sick child.
and not just "he has a cold sick".
although i knew in my heart he would be fine, i got a taste of what it would be like for this to be our life every day.

every day spent in the hospital.
deciding which parent would stay with which child.
having to leave the hospital with half of my heart there because the other half was at home.
to wonder in amazement how medical professionals, who dedicate their lives to this profession, are able to handle it.

as i walked through the children's hospital,
i cried knowing we would be going home.
and i cried harder when i saw kids who i knew wouldn't
kids that enveloped my son like they were his best friend.
because they were happy to see a new face.
little girls like sweet brittany.
who asked me if she could play with colton because he was "a special baby"
i started crying as soon as those words left her mouth.

it literally hurt my heart.

as you can see our "septic" boy doesn't look all that septic.

and i know you want to know what happened.

the short version is this:
colton was rushed to the er wednesday night by ambulance because he started shaking and turned blue.
his feet and hands were blue. not light blue, like almost purple blue.
when my husband gets scared? i know it's a big deal.
we called 911 immediately.
the ambulance came and said he needed to go to the hospital.
in the ambulance, matty felt him getting hotter and hotter.
they took his temp and it was 103.
when he got to the hospital it was 105.
after an iv, some tests and some xrays they determined he had most likely suffered a febrile seizure.
which is common
but still terrifying.
especially when it is your child.

we followed up with the pediatrician thursday and they referred us to a pulmonologist because he has had some issues with his mouth turning blue in the past.

i thought we were done.
but the hospital called friday morning and said they got a positive blood culture (it takes 48 hours to grow)
they said we needed to call the pediatrician in an hour for further instruction.
my brother in law who is a pediatrician, specializes in infectious diseases so, like always, he was my go to guy.
i can't believe he still answers the phone when he sees my number.
he should probably demand some sort of freelance commission.
we call him that much.
but thank goodness, he did answer the phone. and he told me not to worry yet.
he wanted the name of the organisms.
am i even saying this all correctly, scott?
i didn't have them.

the doctor finally called and said based on the type of organisms that grew, we needed to go to the hospital for 48 hours to start iv antibiotics.

we were all hoping for a contaminated culture but, because one of the organisms could potentially be dangerous, they wanted to err on the side of caution.

i called matt.
hysterical, obviously.
he came home
we packed
and we left.

we got to the hospital and they drew more blood for new cultures, did an echocardiogram and started the antibiotics
so we waited.
and waited.
and waited.


colton is in a daddy phase right now
and i have to feed stella.

so he stayed.
i left the hospital.
without my son.
that was the second night in a week my heart broke into a million pieces.
i don't know how people live that life.
day in and day out.
it is gut wrenching.

i came back the next morning and i was told we were allowed to go outside.
i think they realized after of 42nd lap around the hallways that my son was not the
sit in your room and watch tv type of guy.

thank God we only had to do it one night.
originally they said we would have to stay until sunday but the culture proved to be contaminated.
so, essentially we were there for nothing.
they think the nurses in the er got bacteria from the skin which, contaminated the culture.
i know, annoying.
but, so much better than the alternative.
we're choosing to just be thankful our baby wasn't as bad as he could have been.

so we left!

and while i am so flippin happy we are home
with a happy boy,
we didn't get to say goodbye to sweet brittany
and that makes me sad.

i guess the short version proved to be long.
story of my life.
i have a hard time condensing.
any time i start to tell my brother a story he says "just give me the cliffsnotes"
i don't know if that's in me?
b.t.dub - did you know it's cliffSnotes with an s, not cliffnotes? i didn't.


thanks for all the love.
you have no idea how much we appreciate it.
and thank you to our family.
no words for my love for you.

now we'll just follow up with the pulmanologist and maybe a cardiologist and wrap this craziness up.
oh, and obviously i called the hospital immediately to find out where mamma could purchase one of these bad boys.

finally, something that could actually contain my son.
he was livid when he realized he had met his match.
he couldn't win against 'er.

we got the best pumpkin this year.

happy halloween

twin cousins

is it just me
and my sister-in-law
and my brother-in-law
and my mom
or do these cute girls look so much alike?

the cutie on the left is my niece, bethan and i can't get over how much they resemble each other!

wordless wednesday cutest baby edition

i love this girl.

my mama

birthday is october 24th.

blonde hair

blue eyes

beautiful

outgoing but reserved at the same time

loves pictures but scared of the camera

so smart

mad creative

martha stewart crafty

long legs

dislikes confrontation

loves babies

babies love her

amazing baker

an even better cook

loves tradition

lives for her family

daughter

only child

daddy's little girl

heart of gold

caring

nurse

fixes everything

nurturing

calm

mother to three

grandmother to five

her voice is soothing

my babies love to hear her sing

she makes soup if your sick

charming

lives and breathes for holidays

calming

plays tennis

loves to read

enjoys a bubble bath as much as yours truly

gardens

serene

adores being outside

loves wholly

mama, i love you so much and i hope to pass on to my children all you have given me.

thank you for teaching me what is important in life and how to be a good mother.

happy birthday, cher.

it takes a village

they say it takes a village
but,


but i'm here to tell you,
what you need are sister wives.

and,
if you have two smokin' hot sister wives?

bonus.

seriously,
5 kids with sister wives?
piece of cake.

wait, what?
that is so not true.

one of them could throw out their back.....
yup.
it happened.
before she even got upstairs.
poor v.

have you ever traveled with five children under two?

without significant others?


if you have, you know you should to do it with the bestest of friends.

the kind of friends who pick up your child before you even realize there is a problem.
like when they are waist deep in the ocean instead of neck deep.

i hit the beach to my dad's condo

with two of my
favorite
girls .

i just spent fifteen minutes looking for a picture of the three of us......i don't think it exists.
how sad is that?

c:
we're best friends.
she has a piece of my heart. she always will.
our daughters have the same middle name.
chloe james
&
ruby james.

they're going to be best friends, too

told you.

hopefully my sweet boy will want a role in ru's life, too.
which,
by me?
is fine.
marry her!

v:
so lucky to have her.
LOVE.
she's a keeper.

our kids?
they're kinda bffs.
and here is v making them eggies.
yup, she's so presh that she calls them eggies instead of just eggs.

we decided to go on a girls getaway.
it kinda was.
i had visions of frozen cocktails complete with frilly pink umbrellas.
sounds fancy, huh? a girls trip to the beach?
cocktails?
reggae
late nights on the balcony listening to waves.
waking up to salt on the windows.

but,
let's be honest
you know there ain't nothin' fancy goin' on when you're traveling with 5 kids under two.

yes,
we had wine.

one glass ended up on the carpet.
from a kid, not us.
don't worry dad,
carey is a machine and had that thing spic and span before i even realized there was a problem.
see?
best friends do that.

but the rest of the trip was a hot mess.
a fun mess
but a hot mess.

we hit the beach.

jameson almost drowned.
like, 6,296 times.
chloe threw sand at the babies repeatedly.
colton taught ruby how to eat sand.

and stella?
you guessed it.
she was perfect.

thank goodness v brought enough juice boxes to keep an entire elementary school hydrated.

the twins had so much juice that they asked for it for three days straight once we got home.
matt was thrilled.
but, juice made the pacifier so 2010.
it worked, so we went with it.

i don't think we finished one conversation the entire weekend.
i realized this on my way home as i was laughing recalling all the loose ends that never got tied up.

naps went awry.
halloween cookies and goldfish stopped meltdowns in their tracks.
we all came home sore like we had gotten hit by a truck.
and i wouldn't have had it any other way.

we'll go back soon.
it will just be without kids.


and p.s., i totally support polygamy now.

i love my sister wives.

hi fall, wanna make out?

fall is the season i want to have a long beautiful monogamous relationship with.

spring and winter?
i like dating them.
casually, that is.

and summer?

every now and then i don't mind a one night stand.
but,
it is most often followed with deep regret.

finally.
after quietly begging and playing a mean game of hard to get,
fall caved.
and came back to me.

i knew he would.
i just didn't know it would be so soon.

know what that means?
the twinnies got to wear jeans to school today.

what is cuter than a twin in jeans?
i mean, not much.

it's 61 degrees right now.
and it's getting down to 54.
i honestly think the world would be a happier place if the weather was like this all year round.
and people would be more productive.

and my kids would get to sleep in these every night.
the only thing cuter than a twin in jeans is a twin in footie pj's

i die.

i bribed the kids to sit with marshmallows.
it worked.
and their new favorite thing to do is "cheers" everything.
what can i say?
they're their mama's kids.

cutest cousins ever almost wordless wednesday post

just so you know it is just not in my nature to do a wordless wednesday post.
who can post just a picture and not talk?
not me, my friends.
i am not capable of being wordless.

so we are recovering slowly from a mini beach getaway and these kids needed to get out and blow off some steam.

unfortunately it was a rainy wednesday.
or, as the twins would say, it was "maining".
the mall was the next best thing so we hit up "memma" to play.
luckily, she was totally down.

these three held hands.
on their own.
and strutted their stuff down the mall like it was a catwalk.
they were show stoppers.
or i guess technically they were shop stoppers.

either way.

Love.

cousins

i love me some katie alberts.
she is my cousin.
she is adorable.
she is the elle woods of 2011.
except she is a whole lot better.
she is going to do things.
just wait.

after receiving her undergrad at duke,
she decided to
get her masters at g.dub in wa.
i know what you're thinking.

UNDERachiever.
ha.

but,
after that,
she decided to go to law school, at tulane, in new orleans,
part of me thinks she did that because she knew i would visit her.

the other part of me knows she did that because it was best for her.
i like to think the foremost is true.

anyway.
she always comes to see us.

we
loves it.

and,
her mama,
debbie, also my cousin,
brought the twins a few of her favorite books.
she knows the way to their hearts.

for the record,
chester the horse was not one of the books.


after debbie read to the babes, we decided to play.
everything was great.

until chloe threw a block at katie.
in the face.
she went to time out.
she had to apologize to katie before she came out,

after her fourth time
in time out
for not apologizing

she apologized.

geeeeeeeze.

thank goodness katie is a super strong woman
who can appreciate
well,
a super strong little girl.

how adorable is katie the in her pencil skirt and polo poplin?

and
yes
sweet stella,
you were there.
you were just busy being perfect.

the only thing that would have made it better?
if jilly and pippa were there.

next time

right, girls?

perfect

two months ago you were born.
to the minute.
i hit publish at 9:09.
i was holding you then. and i'm holding you now.
on my lap. as i type.

i titled this post "perfect".
this is the first word that comes to my mind when i think of you and your sweet face.
it's so typical, the word perfect.

this is you a few hours ago. on your two month birthday.

i googled "perfect synonyms" because it felt so meh.
i never use a thesaurus because i like the fact that when i write, it is a constant stream of consciousness.
it's how i feel
at the exact moment my fingers hit the keys.
rarely do i go back and change what i've written.
but you deserve something more than meh.
splendid almost won because it is prettier.
but it seemed too showy.
and it didn't pack the same punch as perfect. it's simple. it's just, well, a perfect word to describe you.

you are two months old today.
it seems like i was in the hospital waiting to meet you yesterday.
but, at the same time, i feel like we have gotten so close that it seems like you have been a piece of my heart for so long.

you sleep. you sleep so well.
you haven't made me tired one time.
but in all honesty, after the twins first year i don't think it would be possible to make me tired.
you poop once a week. on tuesdays (it's ok, i have talked to the dr.)
on monday you are kind of fussy but, i understand. it's because you need to poop.

you smile at me like i am the only person in your life and you steal another piece of my heart every single time.
you hear my voice and you flap your little wings and kick your little legs.

you make the cutest little sucking face while you are sleeping even though there is nothing in your mouth.

daddy loves your feet.
he can't get enough of your feet.
he called you amazing the other day.
for daddy, that's a big deal.
i tell you that every hour.
i hope you don't feel like it's inauthentic.

you tolerate the twins and you crack them up when you smile at them.
your brother is so in love with you.
he brings you blankees all the time.
it's precious.
your sister brings you pacys but mostly so she can take them back.
the first thing the twins do every morning is run around the house and say baby? baby! baby?
before you born they used to call for dada.
you replaced the morning "dada".
that's a big deal.

we forget about you.
you're so good we forget about you.
i did it the other day.
but when i remembered you, you were as happy as a clam.

you like classical music like your mama.
you relax when it comes on.

you fight your sleep like it is no ones business.
dada gets scared.
it does look kind of crazy.

i really can't think of one thing i would change about you.
you really couldn't be more perfect.

it has been two months and the jury is in.
we've decided we're going to keep you sweet stella.
you've become my favorite child.
i kid.

kind of.

little. miss. sassy. pants.

ohhhh chloe james.
what are we going to do with you?

you are a woman that knows what she wants.
you are so independent.
i feel like you could raise me.

you are something fierce, girl.

but,
you are stubborn.
and you do things when you want.
and only when you want.

i feel like you could be summed up like this:
"it's my world.
you're lucky i share the air.
frankly, you are lucky to be a part of it.
if you don't want to?
that's fine with me.
but please move, i've got things to do."

i tell you not to throw your food?
you throw your fork.

i tell you not to stand on the cable box? (don't ask.....we kind of took a break mid renovation)
you hover your sweet little booty two inches over it.

and you smirk while you are doing it.

the other day i gave you a warning to stop screaming because i didn't want you to wake the baby.
what did you do?
stood on the couch to get closer to the baby,
leaned your head into her cage. yeah, i said cage,
and screamed long enough for me to run from the other room, scoop you up and take you to time out.
and you proceeded to scream the whole time you were in time out.
when i got you out of time out, i asked you if you understood why you where there, you said no.
when i asked you to apologize, you said no.

you went back in to time out.
and screamed the whole time.
it's over the top.
i mean, really, you need to regroup.

pretty much the majority of our encounters are like this:

oh, and don't worry, as soon as i stopped videoing she put it back up.
unreal.

and i'm sick, i don't usually sound this much like a man.
or maybe i do?

anyways.
the problem is, you crack me up. because you are really funny, too.
i just don't know where this little attitude is coming from?

so please know that as soon as you sass out, i turn away and laugh.
and then get scared.
because i think it will get worse.

and we've got a long way to go.

sheesh.

Sisters

You girls have no idea how lucky you are.
A sister is a gift.
A blessing
A best friend for life.
She will get it when no one else will.
And if she doesn't, she will pretend to.
You can trust her.
She will protect you.
You can cry to her when you feel like you can't cry to me.

She has to love you.
And you have to love her.

She will always come back.
And when she does, you will always welcome her.

wait. what?

i knew my blog-aversary was coming up.
i just checked.
it was yesterday.

how insane is that for me?
i'll tell you how insane it is.

i thought my mom and dad would read this.
and i thought i would print it into a book every year
and have my precious memories forever
in black and white
on paper
and i would call it a day.

but this blog has become so much more.
how amazing is it that i have the everyday mundane snipits of my life recorded?
the everyday mundane is life.
and it's beautiful.
and it flies by.
and you forget.
i'm so happy i decided to do this.

i never expected for it to last.

i never expected for people all over the world to read about my life???
i have had almost twenty.five.thousand page views in the past year.
some bloggers get that in a day but man, ya'll make this girl feel famous!
and you guys are from all over the world.

italy
namibia.....jules, i think that's you ; )
azerbaijan
canada
south africa.....mary ellen i think? xoxo
latvia
philippines
australia
germany
south korea
greece
and that's just this week.

i mean seriously,
who are you people?
you're amazing.
thank you.

thank you for stopping by
and encouraging me.
and laughing with at me.
and thank you for sharing your lives with me.

this blog has turned into so much more than i ever expected.
and i urge you to do the same.
you can keep memories alive for your children.
and embarrass them when they're older.
what is better than that?

i never knew what an escape writing would be to me.
and i thank you for coming to visit my little piece of the world on this crazy web.

happy anniversary to me!

Things I Learned Today

- Stella is not safe anywhere in this house unless I am within an arms reach. I repeat, not anywhere.
- Even if your child poops 30 seconds prior to you putting him/her down for a nap (in my case it was a her) rest assured he/she will do it again the minute you leave the room.
- He/she will then take off his/her clean diaper.
- And smear it everywhere.
- Today I learned that I actually learned the aforementioned a month or two ago but apparently I am a risk taker.
- I will no longer be a risk taker. They will go to bed in onsies. Always. Or at least until they can unsnap them.
- And be happy I didn't take pictures. Because I absolutely thought about it.

- I learned time out does nothing for my children. Not the first time. Not the seventy fourth time.
- I learned an impromptu dance party will improve, but not fix everyone's moods.
- Today I learned that one spoonful of peanut butter does not make everything better.
- Neither does four.
- Wine and a bubble bath however, does fix any and everything. I didn't learn that today.
- Today I learned that screaming at a child like a psycho out of sheer frustration can actually make things a lot worse.
- And you will most likely feel extremely guilty after you see the sadness in his/her eyes. In my case it was his.
- Today I learned that if Stella wasn't such a good sleeper that I would be committed to a mental institution for an indefinite amount of time.
- I also learned that you can absolutely get to a point where you can no longer cry out of anger.
- Today I learned I am not as stubborn as I thought.
- Or even worse, my children are more stubborn.
- I learned that mopping the floor in this house is pointless.
- Unfortunately my husband hasn't learned this yet.
- Today I learned that the strangest things will happen when you are unable to stop them. ie: your children will fill the bathtub, toss in a few diapers and clothing for good measure and sit in it fully clothed. This will happen while you have another baby on your boob sitting Indian Style and are unable to get up.
- I also learned that it makes me feel better to make said children wear the wet clothes for a while.

Mean? Yup, I know.

- Today I learned that when my children don't take naps listening to them scream in a fit of rebellion for an hour is almost worse than having no nap time at all.
- Today I learned that I can get to the point of actually questioning how dirty toilet water really is.
-  I also learned that I can justify pretty much anything. Like the cleanliness of toilet water. Can't be that bad. Especially if it can buy me three minutes to brush my teeth with no screaming.

Splash away guys, splash away.

- I learned that giving juice to your children for the first time at eighteen months as a desperate attempt to make them happy is extremely disappointing when it results in a lackluster response. It will just stain your furniture more than it already is. Especially if you opt for grape. And they will just ask for water.
- Today I learned my children will do such things, but not limited to, holding their breath until you actually question their safety and kicking to get what they want.
- Today, at times, I gave in.
- Today I learned "running" into a store for one or two things with three under 1 1/2 really sucks.
- I actually didn't learn that today but I figured while I was complaining......
-Today I learned the true meaning of the saying "you get it back tenfold".

Mom and Dad will you kindly remove the spell now?

- Today I learned that when you feel your weakest as a parent is when you need to be your strongest.

Thank God I learned a long time ago that we will go to bed.
We will all wake up tomorrow with clean slates.
And I will love them more than ever......at least for the first five minutes of the day.

wordless wednesday

and my favorite.........



how did i get stuck in between these two?