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Sunday, November 14, 2010

Lizard

I hate lizards.
I hate lizards.
I hate frogs and lizards.

I would take a bubble bath with roaches and spiders before I would touch a lizard.

Lizards know this.
They taunt me.
I hate them.

I lived in the boonies before here and never once had a reptile problem.
At our new house - reptiles torment me.

They have meetings about what they can do to piss me off.

First there was the snake.
I'm ok with snakes.
I just don't want them in my house.
A snake was in my house.
In my bathroom.
It scared me when it would occasionally creep out letting me know we would, in fact, be roomates.
I wanted it out but snakes have nothing on lizards.

On Halloween a little lizard got in my house.
I screamed.
Like a girl.
I cried.
I don't want lizards anywhere near me let alone my perfect, pure, yummy, delicious twins.
Everywhere I turned I looked for the lizard.
The whole day.

That night I knew the lizard was crawling from crib to crib snuggling with my twins.
I knew he would then come in my room and dance on me as I slept.
I hated him.
I still do.
Next morning
Matt saw him.
Matt caught him.
Matt put him outside.
Where he belongs.

Last week?
New lizard.
He was bouncing up and down on my white pea coat that was in the dry cleaning pile.
He was the size of an alligator.
I do not want to be dramatic here so I will clarify, he was the size of a small alligator, not a big one
but still
an alligator.

I screamed at him and cussed at him and he looked at me with his disgusting beady little eyes and made sure I knew he would be staying as long as he liked.

I walked around the house on eggshells for the entire day.
Finally I let my guard down and only thought about it 64 times an hour versus 3,873 times an hour.
Fast forward one day.
There he was.
Little did he know I had back up.
Mom.
She is not afraid of lizards.
I screamed.
Loud.
Ridiculously loud.
Over and over.
She sprung into action.
I kept screaming.
He jumped on top of her.
Trampled over her and ran right at me.
Down the hallway.
Laughing.
I screamed if he came near my babies I would kill someone.

I screamed so much I terrified my twins.
They started screaming.
Mom ran.
She eventually caught lizard and threw him outside with the rest of his disgusting little friends.
I figured he told them all that I wasn't messing around.
He didn't.
He came back.
As soon as I felt comfortable walking around the house without whimpering and turning lights on at night to make sure he wasn't there.
He made his second appearance.

That was Thursday.
I cringe every night when I go to my room because I know he is somewhere.
I turn on the lights in the middle of the night when I have to pee because I know he is enjoying a late night swim in my toilet.
I know he has laid lizard nests everywhere in my house.

I have said lizard 457,248,205 times this week.
Any noise is the lizard.
Anything missing the lizard took.
Any shadow is the lizard with his stupid little lizard friends.
Matt's over hearing about the lizard.
So tonight my friends, when I got done loading the dishwasher and asked Matt to throw something in that I had forgotten and asked him if that "stuff" on the bottom of the dishwasher was lizard remains I expected a sigh of annoyance and another eye roll.

What I wasn't expecting was a yes.
I screamed.
I made him swear 74 times.
I burst into tears.
I cried for thirty minutes.
I can't stop crying.
I have lost my appetite.
I am buying new dishes.
And a new dishwasher.

I am in a bad place.
I don't know if will recover.
I'm serious.
My house is ruined and I want to move.

I hope you had a better Sunday than I did.

5 comments:

  1. Hil-freaking-arious!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love you!

    PS.....move...go ahead...John's ready for the phone call! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  2. And what is it that Pays the bills?

    "LAWN LIZARDS"

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  3. I have to say, that in this instance you are a little bit
    ❝ CRAZY ❞! Although, it was pretty funny hearing you SHRIEK in terror when the little guy made a full on charge toward you from the laundry room. Hopefully, this hasn't scarred the twinks for life. I also remember you, MIchael, Kallie and Cammie running around with lizards hanging from your earlobes when you were little (You feared NOTHING!!) so I bear no responsibility for this irrational fear you've developed as an adult! NOw, if we were talking about snakes, that's a different story!!
    ❤ Mom

    ReplyDelete
  4. Papa, I know. I tried to get him to change the business but it was before we were married so I had no pull.

    ReplyDelete