Tuesday, May 1, 2012

hello. is there anybody out there?

when i'm gone for too long it means one of two things.
things are really good.
things are really bad.

things are really bad.
but that's not your fault now, is it.

here's the 411.
my husband bought his old business partner's new company.
he went from working six days a week, to seven.
it's dark when he leaves
and it's dark when he gets home.
it's going to be that way for a while.
how long is a while?
more than a few months.
that's all i know.

that makes my life harder.
and it makes for bad blogging.

although i'm told my candor can be charming at times,
right now?
it's not.

i'm exhausted.
i'm impatient.
i'm sick of giving myself pep talks every five minutes.
pep talks that prevent me from banging my head against the wall.

i'm feeling unappreciated.
and unappreciative.
i'm emotional.
i'm being selfish.
i know it. and i'm having a hard time checking myself.

situations i am typically able to laugh off? i just can't.
and when i can't find humor in my chaos, you can't either.

i don't know how my husband works the way he does and doesn't complain.
he never complains.

i do.
a lot.
pity parties, party of one typically help.
along with baths, wine and trashy magazines.

but i'm too tired.
i'm hungry.
i'm dirty.
i'm sticky. all day.
i'm not taking care of myself.
when the kids get in bed?
typically i am too tired to shower.
that's gross.
my hair is a hot greasy mess that remains in a ponytail.
even though i'm fresh out of the salon with good color.
what a waste.

i wore jean shorts that were too small because i have no clean clothes
and i sucked in throughout the whole grocery store until my stomach hurt trying to make it not so obvious.
my children screaming was obvious enough for one trip.

my house looks like it has been robbed.
it hasn't.

i have six hands
everything my two hands are constantly trying to
all the while.
all day long.
every day long.

i'm being pushed to my limits
and i am trying to keep smiling.
but, it's getting hard.

i dragged the kids to barnes and noble today and forgot the stroller. rookie mistake, i know.
i convinced myself that this is what good mothers do.
suck it up. dry your tears. clip your greasy bangs to your greasy ponytail and let's go.
20% was to be a good mother. 80% so i could make my second trip to pick up 50 shades.
they were sold out last time.
i have officially hopped on that crazy bandwagon. but more on that later.

meanwhile, i was wrangling stella, and the twins were destroying the kids section.
a mother twins strolled up.
with a baby in an infant carrier.
we were mirror images of chaos.
until she told me that the infant was a twin.
the other twin was at home.
holy hell.
her twins were two and a half. her other twins were six months.
this shook me out of my funk for 43 seconds.
for 43 seconds i was thankful i only had three, two and under, to mange.
instead of four. how do you do that?
that's it. 43 seconds.
how rude is that?
i didn't care.
im so consumed with me that i had a hard time being sympathetic to her.

sometimes when i just start writing it helps me get back into the groove.
i'm hoping that happens here.
but chances are likely that i will be spending all 3 minutes of free time with my man, christian.

so that's where i am. and that's where i will be.
and i'm sorry if you have missed me. i miss you, too.
hopefully we will be reacquainted again soon.

and finally, jessica simpson named her baby girl maxwell drew. thoughts?


  1. I really wish I lived closer to help ease your chaos.......really, truly --- I do!

  2. Christian is a good distraction and if all else fells, he can teach you how to discipline the children in VERY unusual ways!!

  3. Thank you for commenting about Jessica Simpson naming her GIRL Maxwell Drew!!! Who does that, I get the family name/maiden name thing but MAXWELL for a GIRL is nuts I'd rather hear about another apple or bleu or some other off the wall name. I have heard they will call her Maxi (because kids aren't cruel enough.) Can't wait to hear what you think of 50 shades I haven't started it yet but hear it's amazing

  4. 1. i have missed you. sorry the hubs is working so much. i HATE when that happens at my house. truthfully, i thought maybe you were on vacation.

    2. maxwell is pretty rough for a girl. however, the thing i can't get over is how BIG the baby was. almost 10 lbs. crazy.

    3. hope to "see" more of you soon.

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  6. ;(. Im so sad for you. I need to come visit and cheer you up. Maybe next week adriana and i can visit. Maxwell is strange but i have a boy/family name too and love it now but hated it all my childhood.

  7. oh, lady! i FEEL you!! once you let that "unappreciated" feeling in, it's so hard to let go huh (because letting it go would mean accepting what's what and maybe even being *content* with what's what)
    yes, been there. regularly...and each time the acceptance is just as hard. but it's not as hard as living (and teaching) resentment.
    you got this - and you're earning a truckload of motherhood badges as you go.

  8. I think the under appreciated feeling comes with the mom territory. I was just talking with my friend about how we lose our identity for a while and just become 'Mom'. I'm not sure when we become ourselves again, but I'll be sure to let you know if I get any insight... and Who is Christian? I'll be looking it up momentarily...

  9. Also..does all this work in the summer mean less work in the winter?? I hope so!It would be a huge positive to have your hubs home a lot during the holidays.

  10. There are seasons of our life that are completely sucky. Sorry you are having to go through one of them right now. Seriously.