chateau st. joe

i am writing this with an emotional heart.
fresh out of the hospital where my son spent the night.
and fresh out of my uncle's 90th surprise birthday party.
and i caught glimpses of my grandpa, through my uncle.
when he lauged.
they way he held out his arms like my grandpa used to do.
and for a minute, i felt like he was here again.
i'm in a sentimental mood.

i watched a slideshow.
where scabs of my grandpa's death were ripped off by seeing his sweet face as i watched his life progress through the camera's eyes.

where cuts, from my grandma's death, that haven't even had the chance to scab were torn open.

where i had to watch my cousins cry quietly
because they were to celebrate their grandfather
but at the same time,
they were watching their beautiful mother
on screen
missing her
because she was taken from us too soon.

i painfully watched my great aunt sobbing because she missed her daughter.
i'm sure there is no greater pain.

i saw tears in my dads eyes.
i know he wanted to be there celebrating his uncle's birthday
next to his dad
who is no longer here.

and my mom? her wounds are still so fresh from losing her mother.

yes my mom was at her ex husbands, uncle's birthday party.
and no my stepmom wasn't, she was out of town.
my mom's dad was there, too.
weird?
i know.
we're kind of like a new age brady bunch where every one gets along.


this week has been a roller coaster of emotion for my family and me.
high highs.
and the potential of low lows.
thank God we came out healthy.
and stronger.
and once again i have an even greater appreciation for my family.
and for my husband's family.
that surge of adrenalin?
when you actually feel love?
there's nothin' better.
and if you are a part of my family?
you get to experience that feeling a lot.

for the past couple of days we have lived life with a sick child.
and not just "he has a cold sick".
although i knew in my heart he would be fine, i got a taste of what it would be like for this to be our life every day.

every day spent in the hospital.
deciding which parent would stay with which child.
having to leave the hospital with half of my heart there because the other half was at home.
to wonder in amazement how medical professionals, who dedicate their lives to this profession, are able to handle it.

as i walked through the children's hospital,
i cried knowing we would be going home.
and i cried harder when i saw kids who i knew wouldn't
kids that enveloped my son like they were his best friend.
because they were happy to see a new face.
little girls like sweet brittany.
who asked me if she could play with colton because he was "a special baby"
i started crying as soon as those words left her mouth.

it literally hurt my heart.

as you can see our "septic" boy doesn't look all that septic.

and i know you want to know what happened.

the short version is this:
colton was rushed to the er wednesday night by ambulance because he started shaking and turned blue.
his feet and hands were blue. not light blue, like almost purple blue.
when my husband gets scared? i know it's a big deal.
we called 911 immediately.
the ambulance came and said he needed to go to the hospital.
in the ambulance, matty felt him getting hotter and hotter.
they took his temp and it was 103.
when he got to the hospital it was 105.
after an iv, some tests and some xrays they determined he had most likely suffered a febrile seizure.
which is common
but still terrifying.
especially when it is your child.

we followed up with the pediatrician thursday and they referred us to a pulmonologist because he has had some issues with his mouth turning blue in the past.

i thought we were done.
but the hospital called friday morning and said they got a positive blood culture (it takes 48 hours to grow)
they said we needed to call the pediatrician in an hour for further instruction.
my brother in law who is a pediatrician, specializes in infectious diseases so, like always, he was my go to guy.
i can't believe he still answers the phone when he sees my number.
he should probably demand some sort of freelance commission.
we call him that much.
but thank goodness, he did answer the phone. and he told me not to worry yet.
he wanted the name of the organisms.
am i even saying this all correctly, scott?
i didn't have them.

the doctor finally called and said based on the type of organisms that grew, we needed to go to the hospital for 48 hours to start iv antibiotics.

we were all hoping for a contaminated culture but, because one of the organisms could potentially be dangerous, they wanted to err on the side of caution.

i called matt.
hysterical, obviously.
he came home
we packed
and we left.

we got to the hospital and they drew more blood for new cultures, did an echocardiogram and started the antibiotics
so we waited.
and waited.
and waited.


colton is in a daddy phase right now
and i have to feed stella.

so he stayed.
i left the hospital.
without my son.
that was the second night in a week my heart broke into a million pieces.
i don't know how people live that life.
day in and day out.
it is gut wrenching.

i came back the next morning and i was told we were allowed to go outside.
i think they realized after of 42nd lap around the hallways that my son was not the
sit in your room and watch tv type of guy.

thank God we only had to do it one night.
originally they said we would have to stay until sunday but the culture proved to be contaminated.
so, essentially we were there for nothing.
they think the nurses in the er got bacteria from the skin which, contaminated the culture.
i know, annoying.
but, so much better than the alternative.
we're choosing to just be thankful our baby wasn't as bad as he could have been.

so we left!

and while i am so flippin happy we are home
with a happy boy,
we didn't get to say goodbye to sweet brittany
and that makes me sad.

i guess the short version proved to be long.
story of my life.
i have a hard time condensing.
any time i start to tell my brother a story he says "just give me the cliffsnotes"
i don't know if that's in me?
b.t.dub - did you know it's cliffSnotes with an s, not cliffnotes? i didn't.


thanks for all the love.
you have no idea how much we appreciate it.
and thank you to our family.
no words for my love for you.

now we'll just follow up with the pulmanologist and maybe a cardiologist and wrap this craziness up.
oh, and obviously i called the hospital immediately to find out where mamma could purchase one of these bad boys.

finally, something that could actually contain my son.
he was livid when he realized he had met his match.
he couldn't win against 'er.