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Wednesday, November 16, 2011

I've got a plan.

Listen here kids,

Enough is enough.
This week has been one of the hardest since assuming my position as CEO of Stratton Inc.

All three of you are driving me insane.
Some more than others (READ: Chloe)

One day all three of you will leave this house.
And while I usually try to savor you in all your teeny tiny goodness,
today,
as I  nurse Stella,
in the kitchen,
standing up,
four shots of espresso deep,
while making you other two a quesadilla,
being careful not to burn her toes,
or my boobs,
which, let's be honest, aren't exactly sitting pretty like they used to be,
knowing wholeheartedly you will throw this quesadilla on the floor,
while standing in your high chair,
after me telling you to sit down for the 642nd time,
whilst shaking your grubby little fingers taunting me with your "no no no no no".

this week I am not.
savoring you in your teeny tiny goodness, that is.
I'm ready for an extended vacation.
Like, it may be time for you to move out.

So I started thinking, and moving you out at twenty months and three months isn't a sound option.
I realized, more than likely, we've got a good 16 years before I will get a break.

And I came up with a plan.
Something to look forward to
on days, or weeks like this.

You will be attending college, and that will more than likely be on our dime.
So while you are wasting away our
hard earned cash
at the campus watering hole
drinking cheap beer thinking you've won.
Please know, that as long as your father and I are sending you a check on the reg,
the following will occur:

You keep me up. All the time. I want sleep.
So, while you are trying to sleep off your hangover?
Expect phone calls. Lots of them. Turn your phone off? I will cancel your service.

I don't have time to get dressed. I put on what smells the "cleanest" and dip.
So when you need to be somewhere at a certain time please know I will take my time before hopping in the car to chauffeur you all around God's green earth.

You tell me no. A lot.
Expect to hear it back. A lot.

You take all my money.
No more True Religion or Tory Burch.
A portion of your Christmas and Birthday money goes back to me, baby.

You don't listen.
I won't either. Especially when you are asking for an extension on your curfew.

Your curfew?
Let's just say I will be catching up on my sleep. And on nights that you go out? I will be awake to make sure you're home. Safe.
What does that mean to you? An early curfew, obviously.

Every one always tells me how good you are. This means you are different children when I'm not around.
I will not let my pride get in the way.
I don't care about being the "chill" mom.
I will be different around your friends.
And not in a good way.

You destroy this house.
Expect it back. Ten fold.
I will come to your house for dinner, use a different fork for every course and dip.
I won't do dishes.
Think I'm lying? Ask Grandpa P. He told me the same when I was young.
I didn't believe him.
I do now.

Food?
Please don't find it weird when I decide I am done at your dinner table and instead of taking my plate to the kitchen, I throw it across the room.
Or, if I don't like what you serve? I'll just throw it on the floor.
I hope it will be liquid. So I can dump the bowl. It makes for a more interesting clean up.
On your part, that is.

Laundry.
Holy moley. Laundry.
Think you're bringing home bags for me to do?
Forget about it.
You will be doing mine. With a smile.

Diapers?
Don't change mine? You're out of the will.
This one is kind of weird
but today, I'm feeling it.
Unless you all have three kids under two.
Then I will give you a break.
But, only if you tell me you understand what I went through every day.
Out loud. Every day.
And you must tell me that I am one hell of a mother. Every day.


Please note, this list is to be continued and subject to change.
Like, every day you make me a little nuttier, I will add on. It will make me feel better.

I will win, in the end.

Sincerely,
Your crazy mother

12 comments:

  1. Bless your heart. Best yet. Love it.

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  2. I love this! We are quarantined to the house all week with several illnesses and a husband out of town so I feel some of your pain.
    I think I might print this so I can use it later. And yes, I know that I only have 1 kid, but sometimes I feel this way too. :) Love the food throwing idea and hangover calling.
    Just remember during weeks like this- you are not alone.
    Heather

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  3. Love it! That made me smile but I bet you are just pulling out your hair. Just know that you've got people her on the net that sympathize!! (Even strangers that found your blog randomly)

    Did your dad really do that to you? Just the dishes related one or more on the list?

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  4. Heather - Please know, I do not descriminate, whether you have no kids or 45, everyone has crazy days that warrant complaining : )

    Alyssa - Thankfully just the dishes....he may tell you otherwise, though. And thanks so much for finding me : )

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  5. So I take it we will be meeting up for drinks this weekend...

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  6. Okay Alyssa, let's get something straight. I went back to reread this entire blog (I'll confess, I do that often because I really enjoy Marissa's Blogs). I feel I could give you a story about, almost, every paragraph. I'm pretty sure I might have thought all of those things except the laundry. I didn't do her laundry. I don't remember her throwing food on the floor either. I can't wait until her children are in college. I remember that one well. So, YES, I do that all the time. Do you have any idea how many dishes we did for her? My new favorite is; telling her one of those beautiful babies needs a new diaper as I'm walking out the door ;) I hope it all has something to do with why she and her sister are the best Moms in the whole world. I wish I could take some credit for her sister in law too. We are blessed.

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  7. Kathryn Hodgson RossNovember 16, 2011 at 10:30 PM

    Thank you sooooo much for saying all the things I said to myself but was afraid to say out loud.

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  8. Dude I love you. You are everything I want to be and more. Spending the morning blasting this through the world wide web :) ALL PARENTS MUST READ!!!


    xo,
    signed victorious in 16 years

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  9. A to the MEN!!

    this is genius. genius!!

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  10. I will say it now - you are one hell of a mother!! (daughter too!)

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  11. Hahahahaha....you are awesome. You took the words right out of my mouth. You have just got yourself a new follower. Telling it like it is is what keeps you sane... Bottling it in makes you crazy. Hope your days are getting better. Andrea (NZ)

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  12. I laughed so hard I peed a little (which doesn't take a lot, as I'm sure you know, but seriously, laughed hard)! It makes me want to plagiarize but I'll be nice and normal and just link up instead...love this!

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