when the ish hit the walls

so yesterday i went to get the kids from nap.
i got four inches from their room and i knew it. i smelled it.

you guys.......
poop everywhere from colton.
and the worst part?
they peed through their diapers that morning.
so i took the sheets off.
and they were still in the washing machine for nap time.
why would i have remembered to switch them before nap?

so nap meant no sheets.
and no sheets meant poop all over the mattress.
i obviously started crying.

because when your children are white and look brown you cry.
not because you don't want brown children. it's because when you have white children that are all of a sudden brown, it means they are covered in poop.

after cleaning colton's disaster, thirty minutes later, chloe did the same thing.
i did a lot of research and i knew i had to put them in a cold shower.
warm bath is positive reinforcement.
my kids laughed in a cold shower.
this took my anger to the next level.

while i was giving colton a "shower"
chloe smeared a bottle of toothpaste all over her body.

while i was cleaning chloe, colton emptied a bottle of body wash all over the floor and played in it like a slip and slide.

while i was cleaning the body wash, and letting the mattresses dry, i walked in to this.

unbelievable.

after this,
we had a long talk.
probably too long for two year olds.
but we connected.
they felt me.
we agreed that poop was disgusting.
the first thing colton said when he woke up was "i no touch my poo poo"
bravo, buddy, bravo.


until today.
same stuff. different day.

the twins laughed in their cold shower taking me fromm a ten, to a fourteen.

i burst into tears and called my mom.
she came to the rescue.
she helped me clean.
and she left.

after i got my mind right, i started to cook diner counting down the minutes until bed time.
and during dinner chloe came out crying. with bubbles coming out of her mouth.
apparently i left the lysol with bleach wipes too handy and she decided she needed a drink.
you and me both, sister. you and me both.
luckily peggy, at poison control was a lot more friendly than judy.
she assured me that choe would be fine.
she said to give her something to eat because there was alcohol in the container.
i debated doing so because i thought alcohol would ensure a good nights sleep.
against my better judgment, i fed the child.
i actually fed all of the children.

and snuck away to call matt to inform him of the debacle of the day we were having up in hurr.

that's when i heard a bowl shatter.
which meant someone threw their food.

so obviously i cussed matt out
because i can't cuss my children out.
i informed him i would be leaving.
permanently.

luckily he got in the nick of time and i did what any girl on a carb free diet would do.
i put the kids to bed and poured a glass of wine and ordered pizza.

and then i proceeded to google "why the hell are my two year old twins smearing poop all over the place someone help me before i lose my ever loving mind like right now please."

and then i got annoyed because people were referring to their children as 35 months old.
ummm isn't that pretty much three?

and then some crazy person said it's completely normal. until four.
let me tell you something.......if this happens one more time i won't be around until my kids are four.

one woman said the most important thing is to stay calm. and remind the child in a very sweet voice that poo poo is yucky! it stays in diapers!
she obviously doesn't have twins and is more than welcome to come and try that over here.

some people said this is a sign that they're ready to potty train.
done and done.
well, kind of, they wear diapers for nighttime and nap time.
guess why?

because they smeared poop all over the place when they wore undies to bed!

so hear we sit. my stomach hurting from pizza and my house still smelling like poop.

Lord help me. help me please.

Reason #6,369

 it is so great to be a twin.
you are born with a best friend.
you always have someone to dance in the rain with.

and if your mom is tres cool like ours is?

you get to dance in the rain past bedtime.

hollar!

and when you fall down?

 someone is always there to pick you up.

always.

that makes it so much easier to get up and dance again.

you are my best friend.

and i promise to love you forever.

and live with you forever.

even when we are married.

and have kids.

oh wait.

seriously?

that's our mom talking.

chill mom,

you're freakin' nuts.

grams

that's what i called you.
or sweet and low.
you loved both.
i will never forget your giggle.

2 days ago it was your birthday.

lora said that if she wasn't pregnant with your
sixth
great grandchild,
she would have had a
smirnoff.
on the rocks.
with a twist.
for you.

don't worry,
i've got lora covered.

i realize i've never written for you like i should have.
trust me.
i've sat in front of this very screen 1.6 million times.
and every single time i have felt i haven't been able to do you justice.
i hope you know,
my gift has been my silence.
i hope you understand that.

how do you put this face to words?

i haven't been able to.
i still can't.

i will always remember you this happy.
that's why it is so hard to write.

you have made me a better wife.

you make me a better cook.
every time i call mom for one of your recipes i want it to be exact.
i want it to be just like yours.
why didn't you give her prefect measurements?

just like yours.

you make me want to dance.
to have fun.

to just live life.
the rest is just details.
and who wants to deal with those?

you make me want me to love my children,
more than anything in this world.
that's what you did for my mommy.

i hope to do that.

i hope to give them the christmas you gave her.
thanksgiving.
every holiday .
i want to do that for them.

you were an amazing wife. you were an even better mother.
and you were an even more phenomenal grandmother.
i want to take my kids to the "bogey inn" in dublin.
we'll play bocee ball.
and we'll go to the "popcorn factory".
and we'll learn how to make popcorn.
from the owner.
and i'll tell them that they can pick out three flavors.
and i'll buy them fourty two.
just like you did.
and i want them to play golf.
for you.
and for grandpa.

i want to be you when i grow up.

thank you for always wanting to be the life of the party.
i now know where i get it.
and i'm ok with it.

thank you for always inspiring me to dress to the nines.
right now?
i'm shooting for the threes.
but
i promise, i will make it to the sevens-ishhhhh.

thank you for letting me try on all of your jewelry.
i realize now that i was trying on a lot of carats. and lots of colored plastic.
thank you for letting me try it on like there was no difference.
i promise to do the same to my babies.
and their babies.

thank you for taking me on thee most ridiculous shopping sprees to the Limited Too and Gap.
i got whatever i wanted. i still remember the smell of those stores.
you made me feel like a princess.

you have no idea what i have taken from you.
what i will make live on.
i want you to be proud.

i wish you were here to see it.
i wish you were here for me to tell you all of the reasons i love you again.
but i will.
in heaven.

i love you grams.
happy birthday.
you are my special little firecracker.
i waited for you on the fourth of july.
it was so very good to see you.

xoxo sweet and low, i love you.

piggies

hi.
my name is stella.

my mommy and daddy can't get enough of my piggies.

so much so that my mommy has done an entire blog on them.

so here are too many pictures of my piggies.

i'm sorry for that.

because i'm nicer than your friends

so, team stratton embarked on our first ever family vacation.
i've taken the twins to my dad's beach condo which is just a couple hours away a few times.
we went when stella was two months old.
each time i said i would never do it again.
traveling with three, one and a half and under sucked.
and then i got brave and took all three to my brother-in-law and sister-in-law's house for my nephew's birthday last month.
it should have taken three hours.
it took five and a half.

it was a disaster.
but i paid close attention because in a few short weeks i knew we would be driving eleven hours to tennessee.

i am a routine nazi so i kept them in their undies.
big mistake.
they learned quickly if they said the word poo poo that i would fly off the interstate and they would get to get out of their car seat.
they're liars.
big fat liars.
so this game continued for
oh
i don't know
two and a half extra hours worth of driving.
i wasn't giving in.
so dumb.
we left during nap time.
they didn't sleep.

so
for tennessee we resolved to leave at 11:00 p.m.
the kids would go down at normal bed time.
business as usual.
matt would sleep from 5:30 - 10:30 and drive.
i would wake him up,
we would transfer them.
they would sleep all night.
and so would i.
nahhh so much.

see the cute snack bags?
i slaved over having every detail planned out for when they woke up the next morning.

but,
they didn't sleep.
the whole way.
actually, stella was nice enough to give in at 5:00 a.m.
for an hour.
who are these people?


and the twins didn't nap the next day.
they were up for almost twenty four hours.
i wanted to confront them letting them know that i was fully aware that they had a drug problem
but, matt told me i was crazy.
he insisted that they were too young.
but really? what does he know?


but, we made it!
alive.
and really, would i expect anything less than an insane trip?
nope.
we're the stratton's.
and things are never normal.

anyshways.

because i'm nicer than all of your friends i am going to tell you the real secrets to make traveling with kids easier.

+ car seats
now,
upon entering my cousins car with my sister and another cousin, i was taken aback by look of her car seats.
i questioned her as to why they were so reclined.
all three of them looked at me as if i had said something along the lines of
"i'm supposed to diaper my newborn?"
huh?
my car seats weren't reclined.
they were shocked.
and then it all came together.
no wonder they didn't sleep.
their bobbly little heads couldn't get comfy!
how was i supposed to know?
so, on the trip home? car seats were reclined and they slept for a whole hour!
and hour out of eleven!
i still think they are doing drugs, fyi.

+snacks
when you think you have enough, double it, then triple it. then you should be good.
put them in individual bags so you can chuck them at them from the front seat to shut them up quickly.
you don't want to wake the baby that doesn't do drugs.
the one that is sleeping like a normal person.
multiple varieties of snack options are a must.
sweet.
savory.
ones that take a long time to eat.
think clean snacks so you are not hurriedly giving them a white trash, wipe bath three minutes prior to meeting family members that they have never met.
oh, and also know that it is good to pack healthy stuff too if your children are used to eating that way.
i went the unhealthy route in hopes of maximizing the happiness potential.
not smart.
note that if your children aren't used to eating like that, it may result in throwing up.
this happened to 2/3 of our children.

+wipes
have one wipe container per kid.
make sure they are within reach at all times.

+travel bags

my mom made thee cutest travel bags packed full with things to keep them distracted.
i got them a mickey pad with some invisible marker. three minutes in and they were done.
we still had ten hours and fifty seven minutes to go.
thank god my mom gave us these bags. they were our saving grace.
they had stickers, a dry erase board, drawing pads and snacks.
waste all of your money in the dollar bins at target to keep them busy.

+give up control
i'm not good at this.
but,
it's imperative.
relinquish all parenting rights to your children.
don't have a time table.
stop when you need to stop.
let them color on themselves if it keeps them from screaming.
but, make sure the markers aren't permanent. i am a road trip rookie. my markers were permanent.
this makes the white trash wipe bath a lot harder than it needs to be.

let them drink juice! through a twizzler!
pacis all day, every day for everyone!
let them watch as much t.v. as they want.
fruit snacks are your new best friend.
whatever they want.
deal with the repercussions later.
although, i will tell you, re-training vacation kids back into normal kids sucks.
i am currently explaining to the twins every 40 seconds why doughnuts, french fries and candy is a thing of the past.

**but, you're not home yet! so don't think about that.
stay in the now.
and the now is getting to wherever you are going while maintaining the greatest level of sanity.

+pacis
bring 4 pacis, per kid, per hour.
for example, we were traveling for eleven hours, so each kid needed 44 pacis total.
that, times three equals a total of 132 pacis.
we were short. big mistake.

+starbucks
plan ahead.
find every drive through starbucks prior to leaving.
stop at every one that is within 2 miles of an exit.
alternate between a doppio espresso and a venti red eye.

+staying calm
make a promise for one parent to be sane at all times.
never lose your minds together.
this is non-negotiable ya'll.
it must happen.
if two parents lose their minds at the same time, all children do as well.
and that situation can be unrepairable.

+car choice
get a mini-van.
i know
i just threw up in my mouth realizing that i said that out loud.
we have the twins in the back and stella in the middle.
we have the other seat folded down.
that is where i sat.
i am ready to admit the mini-van is right for our family.
i'm not happy about it but, know that traveling with three small babes is so much better with a mini.

+grocery bags
bring 736.
use them as trash bags.
i needed 736 more.
lesson learned.

+diapers
put them on.
you will save an extraordinary amount of valuable time.
we didn't have to re-potty train. at all. and they have only been potty trained for three months.

+eating
when in doubt, feed them.
baby included.
and bring formula and a bottle. even if you nurse exclusively.
it's too hard to pull over to nurse. and we all know a bottle or a boob typically quiets a babe.
i can scratch nursing a baby strapped in a car seat going 80 mph down the interstate off my bucket list.
that takes a ridiculous amount of talent, agility and flexibility my friends.
t.m.i?
i apologize, but i'm truthin' it around here.
i'm here to make your lives easier, not paint pretty pictures.

+expectations
don't have any.
that's all.
just don't have any.

follow all of these rules and you are on your way to stress free travel, my friends.

you're welcome.
but really,
the car seat recline is a necessity.

10 months. shut up. why are you doing this to me?

sweet baby stella,

who are you right now?
you started walking a couple of weeks ago.
you make crazy noises.
and you say uh oh.
in the correct context.

why are you doing this to me?

i feel your baby-ness slipping through my fingers.
i'm cupping it with all of my might.
my fingers are so tight.
and i wish my hands were bigger.
so i could hold more.
and buy more time.
but, your baby-ness is like water.

and it's slipping through the holes where my knuckles meet.
and it's sliding down my wrists.
so i'm hugging my arms close to my heart.
trying to hold more.


it's so painful.
and so beautiful at the same time.
you are growing right before my eyes.

i can close my eyes and literally replay conversations in my head while i was in labor with you.
it seems so real that sometimes i have to shake my head when i see your 10 month self walking up to me.
how did we get here?

you are like solid gold
covered in sugar
with sprinkles on top to this family.

you do so much for me by just being here with your sweet self.
you make me stop.
you make me slow down.
you force me to have more patience with your lulu siblings.
they are a doppio espresso.
each.
you? are a cup of hot tea.
luckily, i love both.
you make me a better mommy.

i go to bed every night and ask myself
"did i do ok today?"
"i didn't give enough"
"can they feel my love?"
"why did i lose my temper so quickly?"
"tomorrow. i won't."

i get teary some nights wanting a re-do.
the three of you will never know how much i love you.
it's hard to keep that perspective throughout our crazy days.
i hope one day you get that.

but,
you help me do a better job.
you do.
all by yourself.

you see, it's so hard having all three of you. so young. at the same time.
but that's not your fault.
and i try to remind myself of that.
and when i can't? i look to you.

your smile legitimately stops me dead in my tracks.
every single time.
it's so big.
and so ridiculously contagious.

it is impossible for me not to pause,
thank you for being here,
and let the absurd amount of love i have for all three of you take over my heart again.

you know exactly when to bust it out.
on days that i'm crying,
because it's tough.
i feel my cheeks tightening.
and the corners of my mouth turning up.
and the next thing i know? i'm smiling back.
right at your precious little face.
with tears pouring down my stressed out cheeks.

i know i loose my patience.
i try to apologize when i do.
and i ask if you forgive me.
your brother and sister say that they do. and they hug me after. i hope you do, too.
and i hope that we have that type of love forever.

everything i do.
every day.
is out of love for all of you.
but sometimes i get stuck.
and i'm just going through the motions.
just trying to get through the day.

and i want to thank you for bringing me back to the good side when i'm stuck.

the side that makes me put things down
and pick my babies up.

that side? is a much better place to be.

you truly are my special angel baby.
i was so scared to have you. and it amazes me how something so small made me such a better person.

love you sweet baby girl.

who are you people?

the other morning, around 9:30, i was already done for the day.

so i fished the four day old sippy cup of milk out of stella's mouth,
handed the twins popsicles for breakfast
and we all hit the back porch so i could relax
without my floors getting stick-ier.
sticky would insinuate that they weren't sticky already.
if there is one thing my husband can't stand? it's sticky floors.
and there was no way i was going to waste a good mop job at 9:30.

i am seeing way too much good parenting going on around these days.
it is not only depressing but mind boggling as well.

listen.
listen!

who are you people with these summer bucket lists for your adorable children?

what am i missing?
i don't understand.

how do you have time
or more importantly,
energy for such things?

hommeade play dough?
why don't your kids eat it?
or throw it?
or feed it to the baby?
or is that why it's hommeade?
so they can eat it?

sensory boxes?
don't they just get dumped?

paint chip scavanger hunts?
huh?

what am i missing?

any spare time or extra energy i have around here is typically spent wiping.
a body
a surface
sweat off my brow.


and don't these activities taking longer to make than they do to execute?
my children have the attention span of a two year old. because they are two!

and it's not just one or two of you.
i am seeing it a lot.

help me understand.

or
are you guys just smart?
and pinning things that you really have no intention of doing?

honestly?
most of my children's activities have to somehow benefit me.
for example, we clean up to the clean up song and throw in a dance party.
fun and functional.
for all parties.

they frolic about in the pool, i work on my tan.
win-win.

get with the program, people. help yourselves, too.

seriously,
you guys can continue with all of this nonsense.
but,
if your kids
become friends with my kids
you better have them keep their mouths shut.

what my kids don't know won't hurt them.

bahama mamas intro

here's the deal.

i went on the trip of a lifetime.
it was the most wonderful gift a girl could have ever asked for.
i don't want to forget one single second.
a for real - a girls trip is good for your soul, my friends.

it's taken too long for me to blog about it.
but.
putting it on paper marks a sense of finality.
mama doesn't want finality.

i can still smell the salty air. just a little bit. if i close my eyes.
my skin is no longer tight from getting a little too much sun.
my hair is back to a flat ponytail mess instead of a salty beachy mess.
i prefer the salty beachy mess.

the pain in my abs has finally subsided.
we laughed ridiculously for four days straight.
ridiculously, guys.

my thighs have finally stopped twitching from dancing the nights away.
and my sea legs have officially returned to land legs.

waaahhhhhhhh.

i want sea legs.

i went on a girls trip to the bahamas in case
somehow
you didn't know.
if you know me irl (in real life) you know.
i didn't talk about anything else until the minute i left.
and i haven't stopped.

talking about it, that is.
my husband has politely asked me to stop.
and,
my husband has not politely asked me to stop.
i have had to make my own coffee.
on the boat?
we had boys make our coffee.
they were the best boys.
they wanted to be called men.
but, boys sounds sexier to us girls.
and,
since it was our trip?
they remained boys.
but, before i introduce our boys,
i'm going to give you the short version of the who and the how.

lora, my sister, married nick, one of my bff's from high school.
matty, my husband, was in that circle.
 he has been friends with nick since jr. high and he lived with nicky in college.
i have permanantly added y's to their names.

and
his sister, ashlea and i cheered allstars and high school together.
our families are friends.
his parents.
our parents.
step-parents.
aunts
uncles
children.
the list.....it goes on.
it's a tangled web we weave i tell you.

now, it gets deeper. and crazier. so make sure your paying attention.
amy,
who you all know from buggie and jellybean,
is nick and ashlea's cousin.
and she is my friend. and my cousin-in-law. and her sister is elizabeth,
we just say we're cousins, okaaaay? so amy and elizabeth are my cousins. got it?

it actually gets more complicated.
2 sisters married 2 brothers. chris+kathleen and frank+maryellen.
but we couldn't get the bahamian's to understand it so i guess i don't expect you to, either.

moving on.

we were planning on a grils trip to frank+maryellen's beach condo.
i was thrilled.
a few days later,
i got a text from amy saying the condo was out.
i cried.
and being the naughty trickster she is, she waited an hour until she texted me again.
saying that maryellen wanted to go to the bahamas instead.
the bahamas.

seven girls
hopped on their plane

and then we hopped on their boat.

which took us to their other boat - the fa-la-me.

i.know.
i felt the same way.
trust me.

we spent the next four days on that boat.
93% of it i can't blog about.
but,
the 7% i can blog about?
i will.

now for our boys.
we love them.

this is captainrob. he was our main man.
and he can drive that monster of a boat. and back it up.

this is jon.

and this is taylor.

maryellen and her boys.

they kept the bubbly on ice, the coolers full and our glasses topped off.

they.were.amazing.

unfortunately it was not all fun and games on the boat.

there were team meetings held multiple times throughout the day where we would meet and discuss the days plans or whatever else maryellen deemed appropriate.

lots of team meetings. and attendance was manditory.

once the morning meeting was over we would suit up and head out.

but.....

today was just the intro post.

so

i will be back for the day one post.

until then? i'll be dreaming of the fa-la-me.

marissa stratton - making the minivan chic

if you drive a minivan i have probably felt bad for you.

it's ok, though. you can laugh at me now because drive one too.

i had an suv. with a third row. it wasn't cutting it.
i needed more room.
i still have to strap in three babies.
and i needed something that wouldn't require a full on gymnastics routine to gets these kids all in their place.

and so the minivan convos began.
i kicked my feet, screaming the whole time matt told me it had to be done.
really, what other options did i have?


how can you be chic driving a minivan?
the answer is, you can't.
but with cons come pros my friends.

i told matt maybe i would consider driving one.
if it could be black on black.

so, the search began and before i knew it, my bruised ego and i were the not so proud owner of a minivan.

i now sit here and pretend i am driving not a minivan.

and the other morning those pesky children were interrupting me christian grey reverie.
so i got to thinking.......

i put stella down.
grabbed my kindle and coffee.
oh yeah,
and the left over two kids.
and hopped in my condo on wheels.

i strapped them in.

turned this bad boy on

and then this bad boy on

sipped on this

and got my grey on.
i got to read three pages in peace.
that is three more pages than i would have gotten to read inside.
after a mild interuption from one of those kids repeatedly asking me to look at the fish on tv, i was back to business.

after such a successful twenty minutes of a very mild chaos,and an amazing nap from stella
(because we were out of the house)
my mind got to working in overdrive.

realistically, the possibilites are endless.
i have catnapped.
in the target parking lot.

ok, catnap may be a stretch but i layed down and closed my eyes for a few minutes.

and we have had picnics in the car, too.
chick fil a. in the car!
kitchen stayed clean at home and chick fil a in the car.

i think i have officially come around.
i have named her lola.
one of my favorite features?

a plug.
i think it is inteded to charge games and such but come on,
we all know the real reason there is a plug.
it's to blow dry and flat iron my hair.
in my car.
i can't hear the screaming over the blow dryer. i just burry my head in my kindle and pretend i'm at the salon.

with my kids in restraints.
and these reatraints are legal. in fact, they are encouraged!
this allows me to do a proper blow out and flat iron sesh.
uninterupted.
those people at chrysler are genius!

that greasy ponytail is a thing of the past.

i may drive a minivan but from now on, this mama's going to be looking fly.
i may even have make up on next time you see me.

you see,
with picnics in the car my house will be cleaner,
my hair will be done,
and i will look more rested with these newfound catnaps every now and then.
i just need to remember to throw a pillow in 'er.

so don't feel sorry for me. i just think of lola as my spa on wheels.

who said you can't be chic and drive a minivan?

oh, yeah, that was me.
but
obviously
i have changed my mind.

here comes the sun, and i say, it's alright

ya know,
sometimes you've got to just stop.
and slow down.
and step back.
and look in the mirror.

and i've done that.

i truly appreciate everyone who reached out to me after my last post.
i think it seemed more intense than intended.
or it didn't.
or it wasn't.
i'm still not sure.

writing this blog is so much more to me than you know.
it's cathartic.
it's cleansing.
it makes me see me outside of my head.

i very rarely reread what i've written before i hit publish.
sometimes that's good.
sometimes it's bad.
i tend to just go with it.
it's how i felt at that second.
and if that isn't freezing time, i don't know what is.

after re-reading this one, i realized i spent so much time complaining about me, that i left out my greatest stress.

this boy.

he loves his daddy more than anything in the world.
more than trains.
and more than cupcakes.
maybe not cupcakes.
but it's close.
he misses his daddy more than all of us.
he has the heart of an angel.
and he wears it on his sleeve.

he got that from not me. not me at all.

ok probably from me.
so i get it.

and he has been having meltdowns at a catastrophic level.
so i stopped.
and stood back.
and instead of reacting to him acting out
and whining
and destroying
and not listening
and crying.
so
much
crying.

i thought about it.
and talked to him.
i asked why he was sad.

he said "daddy hold juuu."
one look at this teeny tiny quivering chin and i started crying.

i called matt and matt said "i know. i've noticed that, too. i told him i was taking him on a date."
say what? why does no one tell me anything around hurrr?
and a daddy sate there was.

they went to their first baseball game.
the morning of, colton said "daddy day!"

my heart melted.

the only bad thing about it is that i wasn't there to document every adorable second.
i told matt he better not come home unless he took a few pictures.
and he obliged.

they did boy things like eat hot dogs and french fries. and chew tobacco and spit.

how cute.
daddy let him pick out a baseball.

he slept with it.
for a few days.

it worked.

he just needed some one on one time with his daddy.

i love both of my angel boys.

and the good news is that daddy is not working sundays for the next few weeks.
so that, in addition to some weekly one on one and we should be back to sunshine around here.
and that? makes me so very happy.

hello. is there anybody out there?

listen.
when i'm gone for too long it means one of two things.
things are really good.
or,
things are really bad.

things are really bad.
but that's not your fault now, is it.

here's the 411.
my husband bought his old business partner's new company.
he went from working six days a week, to seven.
it's dark when he leaves
and it's dark when he gets home.
it's going to be that way for a while.
how long is a while?
more than a few months.
that's all i know.

that makes my life harder.
and it makes for bad blogging.

although i'm told my candor can be charming at times,
right now?
it's not.

i'm exhausted.
i'm impatient.
i'm sick of giving myself pep talks every five minutes.
pep talks that prevent me from banging my head against the wall.

i'm feeling unappreciated.
and unappreciative.
i'm emotional.
i'm being selfish.
i know it. and i'm having a hard time checking myself.


situations i am typically able to laugh off? i just can't.
and when i can't find humor in my chaos, you can't either.

i don't know how my husband works the way he does and doesn't complain.
ever.
he never complains.

i do.
a lot.
pity parties, party of one typically help.
along with baths, wine and trashy magazines.

but i'm too tired.
i'm hungry.
i'm dirty.
i'm sticky. all day.
i'm not taking care of myself.
when the kids get in bed?
typically i am too tired to shower.
that's gross.
my hair is a hot greasy mess that remains in a ponytail.
even though i'm fresh out of the salon with good color.
what a waste.

i wore jean shorts that were too small because i have no clean clothes
and i sucked in throughout the whole grocery store until my stomach hurt trying to make it not so obvious.
my children screaming was obvious enough for one trip.

my house looks like it has been robbed.
it hasn't.

i have six hands
destroying
everything my two hands are constantly trying to
restore.
whining
and
crying
all the while.
constantly.
all day long.
every day long.

i'm being pushed to my limits
and i am trying to keep smiling.
but, it's getting hard.

i dragged the kids to barnes and noble today and forgot the stroller. rookie mistake, i know.
i convinced myself that this is what good mothers do.
suck it up. dry your tears. clip your greasy bangs to your greasy ponytail and let's go.
20% was to be a good mother. 80% so i could make my second trip to pick up 50 shades.
they were sold out last time.
i have officially hopped on that crazy bandwagon. but more on that later.

meanwhile, i was wrangling stella, and the twins were destroying the kids section.
a mother twins strolled up.
with a baby in an infant carrier.
we were mirror images of chaos.
until she told me that the infant was a twin.
the other twin was at home.
holy hell.
her twins were two and a half. her other twins were six months.
this shook me out of my funk for 43 seconds.
for 43 seconds i was thankful i only had three, two and under, to mange.
instead of four. how do you do that?
that's it. 43 seconds.
how rude is that?
i didn't care.
im so consumed with me that i had a hard time being sympathetic to her.

sometimes when i just start writing it helps me get back into the groove.
i'm hoping that happens here.
but chances are likely that i will be spending all 3 minutes of free time with my man, christian.

so that's where i am. and that's where i will be.
and i'm sorry if you have missed me. i miss you, too.
hopefully we will be reacquainted again soon.

and finally, jessica simpson named her baby girl maxwell drew. thoughts?

little patrick

i've sat down to write thisblog at least 16 times.
i don't know how to write. or what to write.

i've said it here before.
the very second you find out you are pregnant with twins,
you are immediately inducted into one of the most loving sororities you've ever known.
other twin moms wrap you up in their ever-loving arms.
you can't understand it at first.
actually, it's kind of weird.
how does this person who doesn't know me that well care so much about my pregnancy?
or my twin my babies?

and then you have those babies.
and you get it.
you're one of them.
you know they understand how hard a twin pregnancy is.
or, at times, how hard a mama worked while she was pregnant to keep those babies in her belly.
for as long as possible.

i realize
i may
at times
appear ungrateful.
partly because i know you all love a good story.
partly because some days i am.

our friends, neighbors, and former classmate, pat and april emrich lost a baby.
his name was patrick. litle patrick. he was a twin.
to savannah.
that makes her a twin mom.
so my heart burns a little more for her.

april is one of those moms who worked hard to keep her babies safely in her belly.
she went into labor at 21 weeks.
she was on 100% bed rest for ten weeks.

ten weeks.

for ten weeks she stayed in bed.
for her babies.
you can't fathom that, can you?
neither can i.
she worked so hard to keep those babies safe. and healthy.
her muscles had atrophied so badly during that time that she couldn't walk.

on november 6, 2008, patrick and savannah were born.
they were nine weeks early.
on november 30th, 2008, sadly, little patrick's fight to survive ended.
you can read more of their story here.

did you read it?
i know.
you'll never be able to imagine their pain.

so here's how i feel,
they are my neighbors.
i want to go to their house multiple times a day and wrap my arms around them and praise them for their strength. and their dedication to each other. and their family. and the march of dimes.

since it would be so awkward for me to randomly pop in and hug pat and april every day,
i am soliciting help from all of you.
so it will be like a bunch of mini hugs.
less awkward for them, i'm sure.

i heard april say a couple of weeks ago "i just don't want another family to ever feel this pain."

after hearing a mother say something so selfless after all the pain she has endured?
it put me into 5th gear.
i want her to exceed her goal.
by a lot.

april is walking in the
March of Dimes: March for Babies
those huge letters are a link to her page.
donate to it.

please.
please go get your wallet right now.
i know it's in the car. or in the kitchen.
and i know it's annoying to walk out there and get it.
but, do it now.
you'll forget later.
and it will be harder to go get it at 3:00 am when you can't sleep and you're thinking about sweet little patrick.
trust me.

you will be changing lives by doing so.
every single little dollar helps.

help April and Patrick fulfill their dream of raising money so one day every baby will be born healthy.

and after you donate to the March for Babies in honor of little Patrick,

come out for the

2nd annual dodge ball tournament.

to benefit the March of Dimes . little Patrick, and the Emrich family.

on april 16th.

the tourney starts at 7:00 and check in is at 6:00 pm.
yeah, i said it. dodge ball.
dodge ball! how fun is that? 
invite all of your "favorite” coworkers and friends to airheads trampoline arena and
and hit them with balls!
on trampolines!
for a good cause!

i know, it doesn't get any better.

how amazing will you feel the next day at work?

the cost is $100.00 per team.

there are five members on each team so it is basically $20.00 per player.

i have my team,

so no.
i can't be on yours.

if we win? which i think we will, everyone will win.

why?

because my husband's company,

lawn lizards landscaping,

will match a $100 entry fee to in honor of Little Patrick and Savannah.

so,

let's recap:

go here to donate to April's March for Babies page.

message/email me to register a team for little patrick's

2nd annual dodgeball tournament.

or,

go here:
team captains can register and pay online at:

www.MarchForBabies.org/Dodgeball:

or:

just donate to april's march of dimes: march for babies in honor of little patrick. and savannah! and the emrich’s!

mkay?

parenting advice

i spent so much time looking for the perfect parenting books while i was pregnant with the twins.

i envisioned dreamy, gauzy days of  picnicking on fluffy clouds. in this vision, the twins were around one and a half years old. we were on a blanket. during the golden hour. the sun was creamily sinking into the trees. we were drinking and eating out of those cute ikea tea sets.
they're glass.
shows how removed from reality i was, right?

so, i'm going to give you some parenting advice. it's real advice. because if your vision is anything like mine was? let me help you, no one and a half year old is gracefully drinking from a glass tea cup. and if they are? it has already been broken in the time it took me to type this sentence.

and if your tot is poised enough not to break it?
skip this. it's not for you. you've done a far better job than me.

the following advice will allow for the best of both worlds....
maintaining your sanity,
properly disciplining your child,
and
more importantly,
looking good in front of judgy mothers.
judgy mothers are like sharks.
they band together.
and they prey on you.
their looks will, and can, penetrate your skin.
penetrate your skin, i tell you!

here goes.

+ pacifiers.
use them. force them. in desperate times use a boob. know that the boob will work 98% of the time. this will be your ace in the hole. try your best no to abuse it.

+diapers.
only change them when they are touching the child's ankle. this saves money and you can avert judgment by stating you do so to be green. it's really important these days to be green. say it like you mean it. with authority. make them believe that.

+meltdowns.
the following will aid in, but, not guarantee the stop of a full blown meltdown.
dance parties: when they cry louder, dance faster and turn the music louder.
baths: baths must have bubbles.
going outside: i opt for locking them outside while i stay inside. only sometimes, though.
target: fyi - target fixes everything, usually.

+alcohol.
if you don't drink, start. if you do? increase your intake.

+crap.
don't buy a bunch of crap.
you need a
crib
pacifiers
diapers
a car seat
and clothes. and save the cute clothes for at least 6 moths and older.
sperrys are the only exception to this rule. because there is nothing cuter than a kid in sperrys.
that's all you need.
period.

+consistency.
consistency is key. always follow through. all the good books tell you that but, they don't tell you how to do it while maintaining your sanity.
here goes: make sure if you threaten time out you are actually willing to get off the couch to put the kid in time out. there is nothing worse than throwing out a premature time out threat and then realizing no money in the world is going to get you up and off the couch for the follow through. realizing you must get up if you want to be a good parent will make you angrier than the original offense.

+food.
i too said i wouldn't feed my child in exchange for good behavior. i lied to myself. you will feed your child even ifit's only for thirty seconds of quiet bliss.
admit this
and accept it.
it will make it easier on your ego when you decide to cross over to the dark side.
now, be smart about what you feed them.
opt for things that take a long time to eat.
always ask yourself what will take the longest, and go with that.

+candy.
the twins did not have sugar until their first birthday.
since then, sugar has become an additional food group in our home.
sugar is only used in extremely desperate times, oh, and also when i am trying to pimp chloe's sweet dance moves out on a crowd.
sugar is the new boob. although I have in desperate times thought about going back to the boob.
that said, if you have followed this blog for more than, oh, i don't know, a day, you know i am desperate daily. so, when you're in publix, and your kids start chanting
"candy! candy! candy!"
make sure you loudly say something like
" babies, mommy gives you candy when you go pee pee on the potty."
please note,
this is not a lie.
if you would have said
"mommy only gives you candy when you go pee pee on the potty",
that would be a lie.
you will see judging faces relax into sympathetic smiles while thoughts of
"oh, i used candy to potty train my kids, too" dance through their heads.
smile back. confidently.

+parenting in general.
always make sure you parent your children, don't let them parent you, unless your tired. then do what ever you need to do to stay afloat.

+eating.
let your kids eat off the floor. after they are done, put them on the floor to clean up. their mouths are like little vacuums, put them to work. they're like free roombas!
now, this can get tricky when you have guests. i have two solutions for this.
1. you can go all out and say it's good for them to get a little dirt, it builds their immune system. only go this route if you believe it. they will see through your lies.
2. just instruct the child to stop eating off the floor and state firmly that it is dirty.
please note, this will only work while they can't talk. they will eventually call you out. i know, the nerve of them.
luckily, i opt for option 1 because i believe it so i haven't had to come up with a new solution now that they are talking.
implementing option 1 can be tricky while in public. chloe has been found on more than one occasion eating food off the floor.
one time was at the country club. thank goodness one time she was with my mom. her problem, not mine
the second time, at a restaurant,  i just swooped her up and said "no chloe! that is so dirty!" practice a horrified look and scurry away quickly.
now, note that the majority of meals will be served at home so you will have time to prepare a response in public if need be.

+fighting.
you will be able to tell when a fight is abrewin'. if you are ready to tackle your inner disciplinarian, go for it! good job! if you're not, right before physical contact is made walk out of the room. when a child comes screaming and crying, comfort the hurt child and ask what happened. disciplining after contact is easier than getting in the middle of a fight. plus, you could catch a bow! and who wants that?
this also works if you have asked a child not to hit their sibling  3,784 times. sometimes i just can't muster up the energy to ask for the 3,785 time not to hit. or kick. or jump off the couch on to your sister who is quietly laying on the floor.
so, this is also a perfect time to leave the room. again, you must leave the room before contact is made if you want to stay in the good parent category.

+boo boos.
elmo ice packs cure everything. so do band aids. but, be advised that getting a band-aid also involves getting up. i have implemented a "there must be blood for a band-aid" rule.
i am a really good mom and have the bathroom locked.
the twins can get the elmo ice themselves.
see how we're working over here? we're working smarter, not harder.

+avoiding an escalation in conflict.
when i go psycho so do my kids. it's not possible to stay calm all the time. it's just not. so, when you are almost there, like to the point of no return? just pretend not to see something. but here's the deal, don't make it obvious! for example when i'm about to snap because i have asked colton not to throw a fire engine at the tv 64 times, i discretely put a dish away in a lower cabinet so he knows i don't see him throw it the 65th time. continue to do so until throwing cars at the tv is no longer fun. it will happen, eventually, that is.

choose your battles people. this parenting gig is no joke. and take comfort in knowing that there is nothing a glass of wine and a bubble bath won't fix.

good luck. you need it.

life lately

hi guys.
that's the twins new fav. go to.
oh man, you should hear it!

i've missed you!
the twins broke my dc jack on my laptop. i didn't know what a dc jack was up until two weeks ago.
now i know.
and i know replacing it is something that is more expensive than i would like for it to be.

so, because i love you all so much, i told matt i had a lot of important business to tend to.
i said that i needed his computer.
i did that just so i could write to you.
i felt you missing me.
and take comfort in knowing that the feeling is mutual.

now i will attempt to quickly catch you up.
you know there will be nothing quick about that, don't you?

currently obsessed with:
big kids with real names:
colton and chloe have started calling each other by their actual names.
"ka-oh-ee" and 'koh-tin"
i die a little bit
every
single
time.
"bubba" and "coco" are still lingering but they are fading right along with our "florida winter."

the girl twin calling for her bubba:
colton always falls asleep first.
as soon as he falls asleep, chloe yells at the top of her lungs....
"bubba, whea aww youuuu?!"

stella being a piggy:
if you say "stella, where's my piggy?"
she wrinkles her little nose and inhalesexhalesinhalesexhales.
i cried the first time she did it.
true story.
it's that cute.

two-year-olds:
the twins are cracking me up these days.
thank god they got my sense of humor.
the stuff that comes out of their mouths is redic and i invite all of you to come over and experience it first hand.
no really, i do.i'll run to publix while you're here. just real quick.

undies:
butt cheeks in big kid undies have officially replaced my obsession with babies in jammies.
there is nothing cuter than my twins in undies.
nothing.

counting down:
right now we are at 17 days.
in 17 days i will be soaking up the sun in the bahamas.
with girls.
just girls.
deeeeep breath. can't wait.

watermelon pictures:
what is it that makes kids eating watermelon so adorable?
i don't even like watermelon but my kids do. and i have 4,642 pictures to prove it.
but i can't show you any.
because my computer is broken!

stella's smile:
i promise you.
no baby smiles as much as stella.
her smile is infectious. and contagious.
she can stop a twin dead in their meltdown tracks by simply smiling.
you can't not smile back.
sweet pea, stella, you are such a blessing.

chicken wings:
if you know me, you know they are my favorite food.
i keep it classy around here. raw oysters, wings, crab legs and an ice cold stella. that would be my last last meal.
however, things have escalated up in he-ya.
the good news? i have been opting for grilled chicky in hot sauce over a salad. i know! go me!
i have to be in a bathing suit.
in the bahamas.
i can't stop thinking about wings. i have had them twice in the past week and might have them again.
tonight.
whatever.

learned recently:
cleaning poop off a mattress is harder than i thought:
the twins lost sheet privileges months ago. they took their sheets off every nap/night so i decided they were done.
they sleep on bare mattresses.
yeah, i said it, bare mattresses.
not only can they not take their sheets off anymore. they also have more street cred while trying to be hood.
they can say things like "yo, i didn't even have sheets growing up."
and they will be telling the truth.
that is until today, when colton took his clothes off and pooped for the 5,742nd time.
i learned taking a sheet off and washing it, is a lot easier than sanitizing and cleaning a mattress.
tonight? they are no longer hood. sheets are back.

laundry is doable:
i bought 100 hangers at ikea yesterday. laundry is far more manageable when you have enough hangers for your kids clothes.

genius hanger find:
i learned that those cute little pink and blue hangers for babies are only cute in theory.
they out grow them quickly.
ikea childrens hangers are where it's at.
especially if you have ocd and boy/girl twins.
you see, prior to my genius ikea find, i had to hang all of coco's clothes on pink and all of bubba's clothes on blue.
if i ran out of pink for coco? i set the clothes aside.
her clothes had to be on pink. and his on blue.
now, with the ikea hangers, anything goes.
they're multi-color! multi-color i tell you!
now? i just hang away.

i learned i officially need to win the lottery.

independence:
i learned that letting the twins buckle themselves in their car seats adds about 7 minutes to every trip we take. one way, that is. 14 minutes round trip
that said, hearing them both exclaim "i deee it!" is worth approximately 1,2 million dollars.
the way i see it is, if i can make 1.2 mil for 7 minutes of wasting time?
i end up ahead.
every time i start the car, i have a smile on my face.

reality:
i've learned i don't care to live in it. i continue to buy the twins clothes that are too small in hopes that it keeps them little.
it doesn't.
i'm not done trying, though.

i have so much more to tell you people. so i should just stop now. i get my computer back tomorrow so it's back to business.

xoxo