when the ish hit the walls

so yesterday i went to get the kids from nap.
i got four inches from their room and i knew it. i smelled it.

you guys.......
poop everywhere from colton.
and the worst part?
they peed through their diapers that morning.
so i took the sheets off.
and they were still in the washing machine for nap time.
why would i have remembered to switch them before nap?

so nap meant no sheets.
and no sheets meant poop all over the mattress.
i obviously started crying.

because when your children are white and look brown you cry.
not because you don't want brown children. it's because when you have white children that are all of a sudden brown, it means they are covered in poop.

after cleaning colton's disaster, thirty minutes later, chloe did the same thing.
i did a lot of research and i knew i had to put them in a cold shower.
warm bath is positive reinforcement.
my kids laughed in a cold shower.
this took my anger to the next level.

while i was giving colton a "shower"
chloe smeared a bottle of toothpaste all over her body.

while i was cleaning chloe, colton emptied a bottle of body wash all over the floor and played in it like a slip and slide.

while i was cleaning the body wash, and letting the mattresses dry, i walked in to this.

unbelievable.

after this,
we had a long talk.
probably too long for two year olds.
but we connected.
they felt me.
we agreed that poop was disgusting.
the first thing colton said when he woke up was "i no touch my poo poo"
bravo, buddy, bravo.


until today.
same stuff. different day.

the twins laughed in their cold shower taking me fromm a ten, to a fourteen.

i burst into tears and called my mom.
she came to the rescue.
she helped me clean.
and she left.

after i got my mind right, i started to cook diner counting down the minutes until bed time.
and during dinner chloe came out crying. with bubbles coming out of her mouth.
apparently i left the lysol with bleach wipes too handy and she decided she needed a drink.
you and me both, sister. you and me both.
luckily peggy, at poison control was a lot more friendly than judy.
she assured me that choe would be fine.
she said to give her something to eat because there was alcohol in the container.
i debated doing so because i thought alcohol would ensure a good nights sleep.
against my better judgment, i fed the child.
i actually fed all of the children.

and snuck away to call matt to inform him of the debacle of the day we were having up in hurr.

that's when i heard a bowl shatter.
which meant someone threw their food.

so obviously i cussed matt out
because i can't cuss my children out.
i informed him i would be leaving.
permanently.

luckily he got in the nick of time and i did what any girl on a carb free diet would do.
i put the kids to bed and poured a glass of wine and ordered pizza.

and then i proceeded to google "why the hell are my two year old twins smearing poop all over the place someone help me before i lose my ever loving mind like right now please."

and then i got annoyed because people were referring to their children as 35 months old.
ummm isn't that pretty much three?

and then some crazy person said it's completely normal. until four.
let me tell you something.......if this happens one more time i won't be around until my kids are four.

one woman said the most important thing is to stay calm. and remind the child in a very sweet voice that poo poo is yucky! it stays in diapers!
she obviously doesn't have twins and is more than welcome to come and try that over here.

some people said this is a sign that they're ready to potty train.
done and done.
well, kind of, they wear diapers for nighttime and nap time.
guess why?

because they smeared poop all over the place when they wore undies to bed!

so hear we sit. my stomach hurting from pizza and my house still smelling like poop.

Lord help me. help me please.