I've got a plan.

Listen here kids,

Enough is enough.
This week has been one of the hardest since assuming my position as CEO of Stratton Inc.

All three of you are driving me insane.
Some more than others (READ: Chloe)

One day all three of you will leave this house.
And while I usually try to savor you in all your teeny tiny goodness,
today,
as I  nurse Stella,
in the kitchen,
standing up,
four shots of espresso deep,
while making you other two a quesadilla,
being careful not to burn her toes,
or my boobs,
which, let's be honest, aren't exactly sitting pretty like they used to be,
knowing wholeheartedly you will throw this quesadilla on the floor,
while standing in your high chair,
after me telling you to sit down for the 642nd time,
whilst shaking your grubby little fingers taunting me with your "no no no no no".

this week I am not.
savoring you in your teeny tiny goodness, that is.
I'm ready for an extended vacation.
Like, it may be time for you to move out.

So I started thinking, and moving you out at twenty months and three months isn't a sound option.
I realized, more than likely, we've got a good 16 years before I will get a break.

And I came up with a plan.
Something to look forward to
on days, or weeks like this.

You will be attending college, and that will more than likely be on our dime.
So while you are wasting away our
hard earned cash
at the campus watering hole
drinking cheap beer thinking you've won.
Please know, that as long as your father and I are sending you a check on the reg,
the following will occur:

You keep me up. All the time. I want sleep.
So, while you are trying to sleep off your hangover?
Expect phone calls. Lots of them. Turn your phone off? I will cancel your service.

I don't have time to get dressed. I put on what smells the "cleanest" and dip.
So when you need to be somewhere at a certain time please know I will take my time before hopping in the car to chauffeur you all around God's green earth.

You tell me no. A lot.
Expect to hear it back. A lot.

You take all my money.
No more True Religion or Tory Burch.
A portion of your Christmas and Birthday money goes back to me, baby.

You don't listen.
I won't either. Especially when you are asking for an extension on your curfew.

Your curfew?
Let's just say I will be catching up on my sleep. And on nights that you go out? I will be awake to make sure you're home. Safe.
What does that mean to you? An early curfew, obviously.

Every one always tells me how good you are. This means you are different children when I'm not around.
I will not let my pride get in the way.
I don't care about being the "chill" mom.
I will be different around your friends.
And not in a good way.

You destroy this house.
Expect it back. Ten fold.
I will come to your house for dinner, use a different fork for every course and dip.
I won't do dishes.
Think I'm lying? Ask Grandpa P. He told me the same when I was young.
I didn't believe him.
I do now.

Food?
Please don't find it weird when I decide I am done at your dinner table and instead of taking my plate to the kitchen, I throw it across the room.
Or, if I don't like what you serve? I'll just throw it on the floor.
I hope it will be liquid. So I can dump the bowl. It makes for a more interesting clean up.
On your part, that is.

Laundry.
Holy moley. Laundry.
Think you're bringing home bags for me to do?
Forget about it.
You will be doing mine. With a smile.

Diapers?
Don't change mine? You're out of the will.
This one is kind of weird
but today, I'm feeling it.
Unless you all have three kids under two.
Then I will give you a break.
But, only if you tell me you understand what I went through every day.
Out loud. Every day.
And you must tell me that I am one hell of a mother. Every day.


Please note, this list is to be continued and subject to change.
Like, every day you make me a little nuttier, I will add on. It will make me feel better.

I will win, in the end.

Sincerely,
Your crazy mother

Reason #4,362 it's awesome to be a twin.

And reason #642 I am shocked we haven't been to the ER.

just another day.

i never know where i'm going to find him.

or what he's going to be wearing.
or not wearing.

i went inside for two minutes and fourteen seconds to get the baby monitor.

and came back to find this.

pictures like these are the reason i try to have my phone with me at all times.

i mean, you just can't make this stuff up.

confession

Tonight Matt and I were debating where to put the baby while I made dinner and he put the twins in their high chairs.
Matt suggested on the floor in the bouncy seat.
After I gave him a look of insanity he said

"What? The twins know now to be gentle with the baby".

Pssshhhhh.

I went to the laundry room and knew something was really wrong when

A: I heard Stella really crying.
    She has only cried 2 times.
    Once when Colton kicked her in the head
    and once when Chloe poked her in the eye.

B: I had to yell at least four times "what happened" before I got an answer.

Well
What had happened was......


I can actually show you.
Big Baby and Chloe were kind enough to reenact the scene.

Big Baby got the name Big Baby by my niece, Emma, for rather obvious reasons.
She's huge.

Yes, Matt actually found the bouncy seat like this
and
yes, my three week old daughter was in it.
and
yes, we think Chloe was the culprit being that she did it over and over again after we so kindly removed Stella.
Glad it didn't happen on my watch.

On a happier note, upon picking the kids up from school today I heard a little girl scream right after Colton walked in the classroom. He and two little girls were the only ones in the room so I was positive he had hit or pushed her. I reluctantly peeked my head in the room and saw the little girl screaming face down on the floor.

I even more reluctantly asked if he did it.

His teacher, shocked, looked at his other teacher and said "Colton?" "The twins?"

No way! We have been saying all day how well behaved the twins are! They are so easy going!

Got 'em!

At least for another week or so......

And while we're confessing,
Sometimes I pretend I am still nursing the baby even when I have been done for five minutes just to get out of taking care of the twins.
True story.

Sorry, Matt

1st day home

we made it.
we're home.
with only a few minor issues.

chloe has a fever and a little cold.

which is awesome.
i mean, wouldn't you want to bring your spankin' new baby fresh out of the oven home to a germ pool?

colton tried to pull off stella's umbilical cord and then he got a little overzealous during a feeding session.

and chloe thought hitting her in her face was acceptable.

stella has been so peaceful.
she really is a dreamy baby.

matt took the twins on a little shopping spree today.
that was the first time he has taken the twins anywhere.
ever.
by himself.
yup, i'm serious.
it only took 17 months.
he always said he was "scared".
nice try, buddy.

it was so quiet.
and then they came home.

and she was already over it.
so she covered her ears and said i'm done with this mess.
i say she stayed inside for so long because she could hear in there.
and the alternative?
are you nuts?
i agree, girlfriend. i agree.

so in order to avoid further physical altercations,
this is where she will reside for now.

displayed like a caged zoo animal.

where they can look.
and not touch.

until they find a way.

and they will

find a way.

i can't think of a title that will do this post justice.

My son walked in the family room this morning.
He assumed a stance similar to Hulk Hogan's right before he rips his shirt off.
Instead of putting his hands on his chest he put them on his hips.
With one swipe he ripped the tabs of his diaper and wiggled his booty.
I watched it fall to the floor and I realized it was not clean.
With poop all over I sprung into action.
I got him all wiped off and went to the garbage can to throw away the nastiness.

I walked back into the family room, looked around and he was gone.

I walked on the porch and found this.

I had my phone in my hand so I was able to snap a pic for you all.
Apparently my son can climb up on our patio table now.

Cheers.