domestic drama

it's amazing what two nights
of more than one hour of sleep
at a time
will do to you.

i'm not ready to talk about it.
yet.
but, things are looking upish in the catching some zee's department.

and a well restedish mama means generally cheery children.

because,
when i'm exhausted?
my babies are the ones who suffer.
and my husband.

about once a month i get to the point where
"i just can't do this anymore"

matt:: "what exactly is this?"

at this point i typically throw myself on the floor
sometimes i put my hand on my forehead for a little extra flair and say "this."
"all of this."
"i can't do it."
"you, them, this house, dinner, laundry. all of this!"

i need a real shower.
not just a quick bath.
i need to wash my hair.
i need to multitask and get results, not just make more work.


at this point, my pity party typically reaches an all time high.
i can't see through my tears and may or may not be on the brink of hyperventilating.

yup.
now i'm hyperventilating.

i tell him he will never understand.
he gets to pee alone. all day.
and if he wants a bag of funyuns?
all he has to do is go inside 7-11 and get them. by yourself. no kids or carseats or strollers involved.
"do you know how lucky you are?!!?"

now, i will have you know that this domestic drama breakdown has been occuring for almost two years now.
back then?
he was a terrible responder.
he still is.
at least for my love language.
but, he has come a long, long way, my friends. and i am extremely thankful for that.
it may have something to do with the fact that said outbreaks may not be 100% justifiable.
i'm not saying that, for the record. he might say that.

he simply can't understand why i am so ungrateful for my semi charmed life.
is there some truth to that?
at times.
staying present and grateful is tough. real tough, right?

at this point, i typically hold my phone, hover over my favorites and quickly rack my brain trying to figure out who to call.
who is going to have a sliver of sympathy.
who will be kind enough to put me on speaker, set the phone down and roll their eyes as i sob about how difficult this is. my life, my kids, my husband, a husband who doesn't get it.
because he never complains about his fourteen hour days, i shouldn't either.
he is a saint in that regard.
he never complains.

as of late, these domestic drama breakdowns are on the rise.
i attribute it to lack of sleep.
but, i can tell you, after two nights of semi sleep i can already notice a difference.
hopefully they will be on the decline.
i ran to my babies this morning.
and kissed them with my eyes. as soon as i saw their faces. and kissed their faces when i got to them.

and when sweet stella was crying out of sheer exhaustion for her nap?
i didn't join her.
i picked her up. and i rocked her until i heard her breathing change.
the pause, the sigh, and the slow down. the new pattern of breathing that says
"i am now dreaming, sweet, sweet dreams."

the stuff you miss when you spend a ridiculous amount of time feeling sorry for your self.
and your beautiful life.

i'm the first one to admit this blog is bipolar.

but that's where i am right now.
that's my life.
high, highs.
and low, lows, baby.

it's not all princesses, glitter and rainbows around here.
and i'm sure it's not over there either.
life isn't princesses, glitter and rainbows.
and that's ok.

i found this on pinterest today.
and since pinterest is obviously the gospel, i had a moment of clarity.

mine where:
happy
grateful
dramatic
and
passionate

it's true.
i am.
all of those things.

when i collapse on the floor, convinced that no ones life is harder than mine?
at the time?
i feel that way.
i really do.
and after a hardcore waterworks sesh,
a few hugs,
and matt rolling his eyes only two times, instead of the forty two times, that he used to.


i feel cleansed.
for another couple of weeks.
and i appreciate greatly that we have gone from forty two eye rolls, to two.

i have been told that this hysterical type of reaction or behavior is not conducive to a high stress environment.
i consider my life high stress. but that could be the dramatic in me. who knows.
keep calm and carry on, right?

i'm here to tell you, i don't have it in me.
those that do? really impress me.
i have become so much more patient since having children
but,
i think it's as good as it's going to get.

so while i am extremely greatful.
and happy.
the passion and the dramatic in me will probably overshadow the positive. at times. not always.

and i write here not just to complain.
and not only because i have exhausted those willing to put me on speaker and carry on with their day throwing in a sympathetic "poor thing" every few minutes.
but because everyone has it hard.
one way or another.
and if you can relate to my situation?
and you read and find yourself screaming

yes!
me too!
my kids yanked the curtain rod out of the wall today, too. drywall anchors and all!

and your husband doesn't tell you that no one could do a better job. or look better doing it everytime you are on the verge of a domestic drama meltdown?

come here.
i've got you.
no matter what it is about.
because i get it.
everybody's got their something.

p.s.::
what were your words?
tell me.
i really want to know.

revision::
matt's words::
happy: true
patient: extremely true
dramatic: absolutely, in his own way
outspoken: ummm yes. often it's too much.

been there, done that

times two.

i have to admit, i quelled a lot of my fears about getting pregnant with stella when the twins were eight months by repeating the following.....

"you're good! you just did this! with two babies! you won't have time to forget! you'll know what to do!"

first statement: not true, second and third: true, true, last: not true and not true.

we are in crisis mode, people.
stella not sleeping is taking a toll on my already fragile mind and dilapidated body.
and, i feel like i got punked by a two month old.
how do you sleep for two and a half months and then decide to wake up every hour?
so rude.

i'm at a loss.
we got to the point with the twins where we had no option but to let them cry it out.
it's torture for me.
but, being sleep deprived is torture.
i see words dangling off of my tongue and sometimes i don't even no what they mean.
or what i'm saying.
i am getting so little sleep that i wake up angry.
and i take it out on my babies. and husband. and probably my family?
do i?
i'm sorry if i do.

last night i decided maybe it was time to unswaddle stella.
she rolled over while swaddled the night before so i thought "that's it! she wants to sleep on her belly!"
bad move.
she was up probably twelve times last night.
at four o' clock i couldn't take it anymore.
i swaddled that little burrito and got and hour and a half of sleep.

i just had two babies.
i don't know what i'm doing with the third.
do i swaddle?
break the swaddle?
does she cry it out?
i can't live like this.
my twins don't stop.
i need to stop.
i need to sleep.
if my husband wakes up one more time and says "how was stella last night" i'm going to punch him.
or better yet, i will keep the monitor on so he can hear for himself how she was.
he sleeps through everything.
when i wake up to stella's body wiggling around i turn the monitor off, start crying, and just watch the video monitor.
so he won't wake up.

and i sit, and punch my pillow, and whisper scream "what do i do?"

what do i do?

this morning i feel asleep on the couch while i was snuggling with the twins.
i couldn't stay awake.

i woke up to them sitting on their little couches that they had somehow put on the big couch.
i can't believe the house was still standing.

i'm getting desperate. help me.

does this post even make sense?

chili cuz it's chilly

so here we are.

it's december people.

i just put a pair of six month pajamas on my three and a half month daughter.

i just don't get it.

i need at least one to stay little.

i can't change that you say?

ok, guess i'll just have another baby.

wait.

what?

i kid.

i kid.

we made our first batch of winter chili.

and by we, i mean me.

and this kid?

has started doing something new.

he makes the face below

while while saying

moaw. moaw. moaw. moaw. moaw. moaw.

moaw. moaw.

did you guess more?

you were right.

the funny part isn't the moaw.

no my friends.

it's the intensity and the pitch change at each progressive moaw.

higher

and higher

and higher.

in the end? it's like mariah carey high.

and girlfriend still loves her some food.

so far cantaloupe is the only thing she doesn't like.

smart kid.

that stuff is boo.

she used to not like raw spinach but she's come around.

again, smart kid.

and it appears as though the boy has become a vegetarian.
he and meat broke up about a month ago.

unless it's fried.

again, smart kid.

last night he literally ate every bean in his chili successfully dodging all pieces of meat.

the new cutest thing that they do?

i know.

i know.

i die.

notice the death grip on the high chair?

they pull each other closer so they can feed each other.

chloe will fill her spoon and say "bye, bye? bubba?"

that means bite, bite? bubba?

obviously.

feeding themselves sloppy meals almost always results in a soak.

it's just easier.

they were so good today.

thank you, jesus.

because this girl

quit sleeping.

it happened like six weeks ago.

i didn't want to tell you guys because i know it's my fault.

and i was hoping it was just a phase.

my cousin angie told me a long time ago

"never talk about the no hitter"

and i did.

way too early apparently.

sweet girl, have mercy on my soul.

waking up six times a night is no good.

no good i tell you.

but do you want to know what's funny?

i always say to matt,

"is six times a night normal?"

"it's not that bad, is it?"

"i mean, it feels bad on my crazy mind but is six times really that bad?"

i feel like it isn't because the twins would wake up like 62 times a night.

jk

jk

i'm exaggerating, it was really like 58 times.

so six times still doesn't feel that bad.

help me.

how did you sleep train your child?

with the twins we made them cry it out (in a less harsh way) but they were seven months.

i don't think i can wait that long with this sweet pea but i am no where near ready to do that tonight.

tomorrow? maybe, but not tonight.

so flood me with amazing advice por favor.

now if you'll excuse me i must get back to this.

and my fingers are sticky from the s'more i am eating
making it difficult to type.

mac n cheese

my twins are like
mac n cheese
pb&j
wings and bleu cheese. when you spell bleu bleu instead of blue does it make you fancier? that's why i do it.
boom.
i'm fancy.

anyways
my point is, they just go together.

but,
the twins are being separated tonight.
like, all night.

chloe is going to her first slumber party at her aunt lora's
where she will hang with her best friend/cousin emma.
who the twins refer to as memma.

the twins have never slept apart.
in fact, they have only been separated 12 times.
and the longest time was 5 hours when i was at after hours peds when colton had rsv.


is that weird?

when one wakes up before the other they just wander around aimlessly saying

bubba?

bubba!

bu-bba?

bubba. bubba.

i asked the teacher at school today if they play with the other or stick together.

she said they do their own thing but constantly look to make sure the other one is still there.

that is my observation, too.

which makes me happy.

i want them to fly solo but i also want them to want each other.

so tonight chloe is going to be in a fantasy land.

aunt lora said she is pulling out all the stops.

late bed times.

sugar.

no schedule

movies

and all things girly.

live it up, girlfriend.

so basically this is a pretty boring post for documentation purposes.

the name game

She is here.
Baby Stella is here.

We knew we loved Stella but I had such a hard time really committing to a name.
I knew the meaning of Stella was star and decided to search it on one of my favorite baby name websites because they give other fun facts about the name when you search it.

And then I searched my name, Marissa, for fun.

I have always been told my name meant star of the sea
but
when I saw that
Marissa
was a variation of Maris, I clicked on Maris and found the following:

"Maris is an unusual and appealing name. It comes from the phrase

"Stella Maris,"

star of the sea,

one of the many epithets of the

Virgin Mary."

Reading that pulled on my heart strings.
And I was kind of done.

Chloe is named Chloe James, after Matt's middle name so now I get a little love with sweet baby Stella.

So
here she is.
Our brand new sweet baby.

Stella Maris Stratton

Born August 12, 2011

at 9:09 pm

at 8 pounds 6 ounces and 20.25 inches long.

Being that she isn't even 24 hours old yet it is too early for me to tell you how perfect she is because you'll tell me that it will change.

But I'll do it anyway.

She latched on like a pro when she was 5 minutes old.

She has made two noises since she was born.

She has slept more in 23 hours than both of my 17 month old twins combined.

And she just melts your heart with her sleepy and cuddly ways.

She must really want that car.

Welcome to this big and crazy world you sweet girl.

I had no idea how bad we needed you.



Independent Playtime

I'm writing this from my bed during "Independent Play Time". I thought I was genius by coining this phrase which, to me, is:



putting my twins in their cribs because I am six and a half months pregnant and need to close my eyes for thirty minutes because they are only napping once a day now and straight up exhausting me.

.

How's that for a run-on sentence?

However, I decided before I go on and on about how much of a genius I am

and that you all should to.ta.lly. come to me for all parenting advice that I would google it.

 I then realized I in no way made this term up.

Oops.

I felt really smart.
It is actually a recommended activity from Babywise which I read and followed when the twins were born. Apparently I retained that term and spit it up again a year later claiming it as my own.

  

You should still know I am a genius regardless.

IPT (Independent Playtime) has been a lifesaver. We have had a long and stressful week and I was up way too late Friday and Saturday for one of our good friends wedding (Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Seaton). Monday was the first day of IPT and it was out of necessity. I turned on the radio, threw a few toys in the twins cribs and peaced out for 30 minutes of glorious silence.

Uh.ma.zing.
Needless to say this was definitely going to become a part of our daily regime.

Repeat Tuesday and Wednesday but today......we had a teeny snafu. IPT decided to smack me in the face.
I put the twins in their cribs at 11:30, I went in there 20 minutes after IPT started and they were both
passed out.

Now nap time is ruined.

Joke is on me. Big time.

Oh well.....

What I really came to talk to you about is the name game.

How insane has this thing gotten? Hold on my friends, I'll tell you.

The poll results have been checked 763 times.

I have had over 2,000 views since the poll went up.

People have viewed (repeatedly) and voted from:

Germany

Finland
Moldova

Canada

Singapore

France

United Kingdom

Russia
Australia

Austria

Taiwan

China

and

Italy

How cool is that?
I love that you guys are loving this. I totally thought my parents and in-laws would vote and we would call it a day. Ironically, only one out of  the five of them has voted (my daddy).

I also thought Finn was an adorable name and that this poll would prove that to Matt.

But........

Shows what I know.