Lizard

I hate lizards.
I hate lizards.
I hate frogs and lizards.

I would take a bubble bath with roaches and spiders before I would touch a lizard.

Lizards know this.
They taunt me.
I hate them.

I lived in the boonies before here and never once had a reptile problem.
At our new house - reptiles torment me.

They have meetings about what they can do to piss me off.

First there was the snake.
I'm ok with snakes.
I just don't want them in my house.
A snake was in my house.
In my bathroom.
It scared me when it would occasionally creep out letting me know we would, in fact, be roomates.
I wanted it out but snakes have nothing on lizards.

On Halloween a little lizard got in my house.
I screamed.
Like a girl.
I cried.
I don't want lizards anywhere near me let alone my perfect, pure, yummy, delicious twins.
Everywhere I turned I looked for the lizard.
The whole day.

That night I knew the lizard was crawling from crib to crib snuggling with my twins.
I knew he would then come in my room and dance on me as I slept.
I hated him.
I still do.
Next morning
Matt saw him.
Matt caught him.
Matt put him outside.
Where he belongs.

Last week?
New lizard.
He was bouncing up and down on my white pea coat that was in the dry cleaning pile.
He was the size of an alligator.
I do not want to be dramatic here so I will clarify, he was the size of a small alligator, not a big one
but still
an alligator.

I screamed at him and cussed at him and he looked at me with his disgusting beady little eyes and made sure I knew he would be staying as long as he liked.

I walked around the house on eggshells for the entire day.
Finally I let my guard down and only thought about it 64 times an hour versus 3,873 times an hour.
Fast forward one day.
There he was.
Little did he know I had back up.
Mom.
She is not afraid of lizards.
I screamed.
Loud.
Ridiculously loud.
Over and over.
She sprung into action.
I kept screaming.
He jumped on top of her.
Trampled over her and ran right at me.
Down the hallway.
Laughing.
I screamed if he came near my babies I would kill someone.

I screamed so much I terrified my twins.
They started screaming.
Mom ran.
She eventually caught lizard and threw him outside with the rest of his disgusting little friends.
I figured he told them all that I wasn't messing around.
He didn't.
He came back.
As soon as I felt comfortable walking around the house without whimpering and turning lights on at night to make sure he wasn't there.
He made his second appearance.

That was Thursday.
I cringe every night when I go to my room because I know he is somewhere.
I turn on the lights in the middle of the night when I have to pee because I know he is enjoying a late night swim in my toilet.
I know he has laid lizard nests everywhere in my house.

I have said lizard 457,248,205 times this week.
Any noise is the lizard.
Anything missing the lizard took.
Any shadow is the lizard with his stupid little lizard friends.
Matt's over hearing about the lizard.
So tonight my friends, when I got done loading the dishwasher and asked Matt to throw something in that I had forgotten and asked him if that "stuff" on the bottom of the dishwasher was lizard remains I expected a sigh of annoyance and another eye roll.

What I wasn't expecting was a yes.
I screamed.
I made him swear 74 times.
I burst into tears.
I cried for thirty minutes.
I can't stop crying.
I have lost my appetite.
I am buying new dishes.
And a new dishwasher.

I am in a bad place.
I don't know if will recover.
I'm serious.
My house is ruined and I want to move.

I hope you had a better Sunday than I did.

have you ever had the kind of day......

in true marissa fashion my day went from left to right in 4.2 seconds. chloe woke up from her nap snotting, coughing and sneezing all over the place and colton wouldn't stop crying. i think he was cranky from making new big boy teeth. i knew mango would cheer the baby g up so off to whole foods we went.

but,

have you ever had the kind of day......

when you realized you forgot your wallet half way to whole foods?

when you finally make it to whole foods to buy mango to cheer your sick baby girl up they are out of mango?

you are trying to make it through whole foods without seeing anyone you know because you look a hot mess with one sick baby and one cranky teething baby and you run into someone you know?

you keep sipping your coffee convincing yourself that after a few more sips you will finally wake up only to realize it's almost 4 o'clock?

you buy a seedless watermelon for your kids to snack on so you can make something to eat for yourself and realize upon cutting it open it absolutely has 4 million seeds?

you're too lazy to get a paper towel to clean off the remaining tid bits of food the kids somehow smeared on your body so you just eat them?

you get looks like this:

and this:

while singing "the wheels on the bus"? apparently now that he has a tooth he is way too grown up for the "wheels on the bus".

you can't think of anything else to put in or on the bus?

you go to load the dishwasher only to realize it is full. with. clean. dishes.....

the hose in the sink gets stuck on squeezed and you spray yourself for 30 seconds straight in the face upon putting it back in the holder?

you go to feed your daughter green beans and avacado (which she likes) and get results like:

 this

 and this

 and this

 and this

 by this point even he was on my side

you feel like the only thing that will make it better is a cold, refreshing glass of white wine only to discover you only have red?

that's the kind of day i had. be jealous.

thank goodness this guy came home early as back up



now, i'm off to order pizza, do you think they will deliver white wine?

Poison Control this is Judy.....

I really wanted my next post to be about something that would exhibit how great of a mom I am.

Unfortunately folks, it's not going to happen.

I even thought about not posting this after my mom called and said, "maybe you should rethink putting this on your blog, what you put in writing on the internet stays forever" but whatevs, I sure hope my twinnies listen to me more than I listen to her ; ).

I had my first encounter with Poison Control today.

We've all been there, right?

Right?

Maybe it took you a little bit longer than 7 months (happy 7 month birthday shoutout to my twinnies) to get there but, for me, today was the day.

Side note: I really do feel like you guys should be a little bit more open minded before you judge me because I have two and they are the exact same age. And, I'm not always going to play the twin card but, I mos def will when I feel I need it or it could help me.

I mean those of you who know my kids know my son is crazy. Like really crazy. I fully intended on buying a baby jail this week because I can't keep up with the kid now that he is crawling but, it didn't happen. Earlier in the week I found him in the fireplace with black hands from the ashes. You get the picture, he's just into everything and it's not because I don't watch him, well, today it was but that's besides the point.

I thought about changing the story a

teeny bit

and say I was vaccuuming or reading to Chloe but I decided to just go with it. If you want a blog that is constantly inspiring you to be a better mother by leading by example,

I'm not your girl.

Imma keep it real over here. I was sitting on the couch on the phone with my dad bragging about telling him how calm things were around here this morning. We woke up, had birthday yogurt and birthday bananas (for a first time birthday treat) and we were just chilling listening to some jazz. Then it hit me. Bubba had been way too quiet for way too long. For Bubba, anything longer than 2 minutes of quiet is too long. I stood up and sure enough he was making faces like this:

And this and spitting repeatedly:

I knew something was wrong and upon further investigation I realized what had happened. He took the Wallflower (does everyone know what those are? The Bath and Body Works thingys that make my house smell fresh and clean when it's really dirty?) unplugged it from the wall, unscrewed the liquid portion from the plastic portion and apparently had a lil snack. I immediately hung up with dad, called mom (who is a nurse) and she said "you need to call poison control".

 So there it is. We called Poison Control

I spoke to Judy who was very sweet but I felt like she was mildly questioning my parenting skills when I simply stated that I looked over and my son was sucking on the glass portion of my Wallflower. So, you guessed it, I played the twin card. It worked. She all of a sudden felt sympathetic and quickly went from Judgy back to Judy. I felt better about myself which is all that really matters. Well, that and my son not being poisoned. Judy kindly gave me my instructions and told me he would be fine. As soon as Judy and I parted ways I immediately grabbed the camera. Ummmm yes, I absolutely needed pictures of these faces! My mom then called to check on him and I told her she was interrupting my foul face photo shoot (that's when she told me I needed to opt out of this post) so I only got a few for you.

The good news is these faces, red eyes, red mouth, spitting and drool:

only lasted about 30 minutes and all was well with the world again.

And no, he is not like on the roof or something as I write this, they are both sleeping.....yup, I said both.

Oh, and I feel like I'll feel better about myself if I offer you all a little PSA - watch your kids at all times and here is Poison Control's phone number: #800.222.1222.

P.S. Daddy and Scotty - that onesie is for you - GO GREEN!

Happy Saturday ya'll.