hello. is there anybody out there?

listen.
when i'm gone for too long it means one of two things.
things are really good.
or,
things are really bad.

things are really bad.
but that's not your fault now, is it.

here's the 411.
my husband bought his old business partner's new company.
he went from working six days a week, to seven.
it's dark when he leaves
and it's dark when he gets home.
it's going to be that way for a while.
how long is a while?
more than a few months.
that's all i know.

that makes my life harder.
and it makes for bad blogging.

although i'm told my candor can be charming at times,
right now?
it's not.

i'm exhausted.
i'm impatient.
i'm sick of giving myself pep talks every five minutes.
pep talks that prevent me from banging my head against the wall.

i'm feeling unappreciated.
and unappreciative.
i'm emotional.
i'm being selfish.
i know it. and i'm having a hard time checking myself.


situations i am typically able to laugh off? i just can't.
and when i can't find humor in my chaos, you can't either.

i don't know how my husband works the way he does and doesn't complain.
ever.
he never complains.

i do.
a lot.
pity parties, party of one typically help.
along with baths, wine and trashy magazines.

but i'm too tired.
i'm hungry.
i'm dirty.
i'm sticky. all day.
i'm not taking care of myself.
when the kids get in bed?
typically i am too tired to shower.
that's gross.
my hair is a hot greasy mess that remains in a ponytail.
even though i'm fresh out of the salon with good color.
what a waste.

i wore jean shorts that were too small because i have no clean clothes
and i sucked in throughout the whole grocery store until my stomach hurt trying to make it not so obvious.
my children screaming was obvious enough for one trip.

my house looks like it has been robbed.
it hasn't.

i have six hands
destroying
everything my two hands are constantly trying to
restore.
whining
and
crying
all the while.
constantly.
all day long.
every day long.

i'm being pushed to my limits
and i am trying to keep smiling.
but, it's getting hard.

i dragged the kids to barnes and noble today and forgot the stroller. rookie mistake, i know.
i convinced myself that this is what good mothers do.
suck it up. dry your tears. clip your greasy bangs to your greasy ponytail and let's go.
20% was to be a good mother. 80% so i could make my second trip to pick up 50 shades.
they were sold out last time.
i have officially hopped on that crazy bandwagon. but more on that later.

meanwhile, i was wrangling stella, and the twins were destroying the kids section.
a mother twins strolled up.
with a baby in an infant carrier.
we were mirror images of chaos.
until she told me that the infant was a twin.
the other twin was at home.
holy hell.
her twins were two and a half. her other twins were six months.
this shook me out of my funk for 43 seconds.
for 43 seconds i was thankful i only had three, two and under, to mange.
instead of four. how do you do that?
that's it. 43 seconds.
how rude is that?
i didn't care.
im so consumed with me that i had a hard time being sympathetic to her.

sometimes when i just start writing it helps me get back into the groove.
i'm hoping that happens here.
but chances are likely that i will be spending all 3 minutes of free time with my man, christian.

so that's where i am. and that's where i will be.
and i'm sorry if you have missed me. i miss you, too.
hopefully we will be reacquainted again soon.

and finally, jessica simpson named her baby girl maxwell drew. thoughts?