10 months. shut up. why are you doing this to me?

sweet baby stella,

who are you right now?
you started walking a couple of weeks ago.
you make crazy noises.
and you say uh oh.
in the correct context.

why are you doing this to me?

i feel your baby-ness slipping through my fingers.
i'm cupping it with all of my might.
my fingers are so tight.
and i wish my hands were bigger.
so i could hold more.
and buy more time.
but, your baby-ness is like water.

and it's slipping through the holes where my knuckles meet.
and it's sliding down my wrists.
so i'm hugging my arms close to my heart.
trying to hold more.


it's so painful.
and so beautiful at the same time.
you are growing right before my eyes.

i can close my eyes and literally replay conversations in my head while i was in labor with you.
it seems so real that sometimes i have to shake my head when i see your 10 month self walking up to me.
how did we get here?

you are like solid gold
covered in sugar
with sprinkles on top to this family.

you do so much for me by just being here with your sweet self.
you make me stop.
you make me slow down.
you force me to have more patience with your lulu siblings.
they are a doppio espresso.
each.
you? are a cup of hot tea.
luckily, i love both.
you make me a better mommy.

i go to bed every night and ask myself
"did i do ok today?"
"i didn't give enough"
"can they feel my love?"
"why did i lose my temper so quickly?"
"tomorrow. i won't."

i get teary some nights wanting a re-do.
the three of you will never know how much i love you.
it's hard to keep that perspective throughout our crazy days.
i hope one day you get that.

but,
you help me do a better job.
you do.
all by yourself.

you see, it's so hard having all three of you. so young. at the same time.
but that's not your fault.
and i try to remind myself of that.
and when i can't? i look to you.

your smile legitimately stops me dead in my tracks.
every single time.
it's so big.
and so ridiculously contagious.

it is impossible for me not to pause,
thank you for being here,
and let the absurd amount of love i have for all three of you take over my heart again.

you know exactly when to bust it out.
on days that i'm crying,
because it's tough.
i feel my cheeks tightening.
and the corners of my mouth turning up.
and the next thing i know? i'm smiling back.
right at your precious little face.
with tears pouring down my stressed out cheeks.

i know i loose my patience.
i try to apologize when i do.
and i ask if you forgive me.
your brother and sister say that they do. and they hug me after. i hope you do, too.
and i hope that we have that type of love forever.

everything i do.
every day.
is out of love for all of you.
but sometimes i get stuck.
and i'm just going through the motions.
just trying to get through the day.

and i want to thank you for bringing me back to the good side when i'm stuck.

the side that makes me put things down
and pick my babies up.

that side? is a much better place to be.

you truly are my special angel baby.
i was so scared to have you. and it amazes me how something so small made me such a better person.

love you sweet baby girl.