my last five month old and her first five months.

I am not in a realistic place with Stella being five months.
I typed the title to this post and wrote four months.
I thought it was true.
I had to correct it, she is five months.
Today.
Right now.
It's 9:09.

Five months ago at this very minute I was in the hospital holding her for the very first time.
Knowing it would be my
last time
holding one of my babies for the
first time.
Well, 99% sure it would be my last time.
I ate lots of St. Joes chicken fingers and caaaa-rushed that ice for three days straight.
The chicken fingers are probably not even real chicken.
But they are good. And the ice is better. And I knew I wouldn't be back.

I've spent so much time the past five months focusing on what I'm going to do to savor it.
This was my last baby.
I've spent so much time thinking about it, that I haven't been doing it.

Stella isn't even a baby, baby anymore.

How did that happen?

The same way this happened, I guess.

This baby:

::Chloe:: July 2010

is now this girl.

Ya know,
I spend so much time wishing the days would be over because they are so long.
And they are so hard.
But, the years are flying by.

I know time is fleeting. And precious.
And you can't hit rewind.
How do you say it in a way that hasn't been said before?
It's so cliche.
But, it's so cliche, because it's so true.

I have become lost in time.
How has five months gone by?

This little baby gets up on her knees already?
How?
She came out of my belly yesterday.
She screams.
She smiles like no other baby on the face of this earth.
She loves to hear herself talk.
And she loves to hold things. Anything.
She is an official hip baby.

But, I still hold her close to my heart telling myself she needs it.
Telling myself my heartbeat still soothes her. She's so used to it. It's what she knows. What she needs.

She jumps all over the place in her jumper and she sits up unassisted for a short time.
Tomorrow she will sit longer..
And then she'll just sit there. Like a big kid.
And the next day she will be walking.

I crave silence.
And calm.
And not being hit.
Or pulled.
Or pushed.
Or being eaten off of.
I want to wear something clean.
And spend an entire Saturday watching Lifetime.
And pee with no one banging on the door.


But, it will all be gone one day and I'll want it back.
So bad.
I know this.
Yet it is still so hard to keep my eyes on the big picture.
Funny how it works that way, isn't it?

Sweet Stella, I sure wish you could stay little forever.
Just like every other mommy and daddy.
I tear up thinking about it.
I know so many beautiful things are still to come
but,
I love holding you.
Swaddled up like a little burrito.
You smile at me like there is no place you would rather be.

The feeling is mutual, girlfriend.

I know that will end. And it will probably be sooner rather than later.
I tried to swaddle your twins, they weren't having it.
Maybe I should try a bigger blanket!

You bring this family so much joy.
I wish you could see your brothers eyes light up every morning when I bring you into the room.
He runs to you.
He hugs you and he literally sighs a sigh of relief.
And that, sweet girl, is a true story.

My hearts flutters every single time I watch it happen.
It is one song that I will never get sick of.
In fact, the lyrics get sweeter every time.

And Chloe?
We have hope for her.
Yesterday you flung yourself out of your Bumbo while I was putting laundry away with Colton.
And Chloe?

She came running in with a look of panic saying
"Baby!, Baby!"
I walked in the room and sure enough, you were crying and flopping around like a sweet little fish. On the tile.
How can you get out of your Bumbo already, baby? You were just born?

Your sister is still a little jealous of you.
She says "my mommy" or "my daddy" when we hold you.
But, after yesterday?
I think you two will be just fine, she's got your back.

I love you my angel baby.
Just slow down, ok
Just slow down.