a day in my life

wake up for the fourth time since midnight, at seven.
put baby in my bed begging for another hour of sleep.
8:00 get twins.
find my son naked, with one shoe on, in a crib that has no sheet and a pillow, with no case.
how did he take off the sheet?
make coffee.
forget about coffee.
change diaper.
change diaper.
change diaper.
cuddle with twins for twenty glorious minutes. it's the only time they sit still.
feed twins.
sit on couch.
close my eyes for three minutes.
remember coffee, but don't get coffee.
tell colton to stop whining.
tell chloe not to throw food.
end breakfast for chloe for throwing food. again.
step over her limp, sprawled out, inconsolable body.
get boy out of highchair.
vow to eat healthy for the day.
eat their leftovers so i have one less dish to wash and less meal to prepare.
bathe twins who are filthy because they eat like ravenous monkeys.
tell them to turn water off.
time out for not listening.
come back to find twin in bath is no longer in bath.
find twin hiding in living room.
put twin back in bath.
get time out twin out of time out.
put back in bath.
other twin gone again.
go get twin.
other twin slips on wet floor from wet run away twin.
pee or water? your guess is good as mine.
both twins are now screaming.
decide bath is over.
put down screaming baby.
hide under blanket and dream of somewhere quiet.

tell colton to stop whining.
tell chloe to stop hitting.
x's 2.
swear if they wake up sleeping baby i will run away.


go get screaming baby.
decide to run away tomorrow, not today.
hold baby so she stops screaming.
feed baby.
start to change baby.
chloe gets jealous.
change baby.
chloe gets more jealous.
chloe hits baby.
put chloe in time out.

clean up stella's pee.
tell myself for 4,784,268th time that i will never leave a baby diaperless again.
get chloe out of time out.
tell colton to stop whining.

find colton standing on stella's upside down carseat. sorry, no picture.
get everyone dressed.
go to throw clothes in washer.
find yesterdays clothes in washer.
rewash moldy smelling clothes.
remember coffee.
chug cold coffee.
load kids up.
go to publix.
cry a little bit when i realize none of the car carts are available.
it's not going to be a good trip.

go to deli.
get meat and cheese.
hope deli worker realizes the potential for a screaming disaster and gives me extra food.
give twins food in small bites.
rush through store hoping for a quiet trip.
feed twin one.
feed twin two.
make sure to save food for check out line.
twins are like octupuses. (it's right, i googled it)
must have food to keep hands in cart.
answer twenty three questions about twins.

yes they are.
fraternal.
22 months.
no they don't.
neither side.
yes, they were spontaneous.
at our first appointment.
we were completely shocked.
no.
oh, tell your sister's, best friend's, cousin she will be fine, twins are actually a lot of fun.

push cart forward.
answer another three questions once cashier sees third baby.

girl.
5 months.
no, we're done.

insist i do not need help to my car, it means more questions and confirmation of my filthy car.
load up groceries.
load up kids.
get home.
unload everything loaded ten minutes prior..

tell both twins to stop whining.
cook lunch.
realize i never cleaned high chairs from breakfast.
make coffee.
feed twins.
feed stella.
change colton
chloe
stella.

twins nap.
play with baby.
promise myself i will eat healthy tomorrow and promptly make a cheese and pickle quesadilla.
swaddle baby.
eat quesadilla careful not to drop food on baby.
put baby down.
count down the minutes until i can watch trashy tv.
remember cold coffee.
drink it.
sweep. watch trash.
baby is up.
feed baby.

twins up.
play outside.
break up a fight over a paint brush.
step over two screaming, theatrical bodies to put paint brush away.
realize quickly that they have decided to make up and team up against me.
say stay out of the street fourteen times.
on the fifteenth time say play time is over.
call matt. beg him to come home.
realize it's dinner time.
what are we having for dinner?
throw dinner together.
feed twins.
matt gets home.
feed stella.
put down stella.
twins bath.
dance party.
milk.
bed.
stella up.
bath for me.
eat.
feed stella.
put down stella.
bed.
tv.
sleep.

wash.
rinse.
repeat.

oh yeah, that reminds me. i left the laundry in the washer again.