goodnight, sweethearts

Soooooo. no, it hasn't happened.
The twins aren't sleeping any better being seperated.
I'm not happy I get to tell my sister "I told you so", I'm devastated we have to move forward with our final option.

cryingitout.

I will be the first one to admit I thought it would be cake. I remember disticntly being at my sisters house when em was a newbie and Matt and I both saying "you just have to let her cry it out". She doesn't believe in doing so and Matt and I both said "we do, and our kids will"

big fat smackinthefreakingface.


Don't get me wrong, I have made the twins cry at night and for naps but, not close the door and don't go in there for 7 hours a lot.

When they were first born we decided once we put them down, they were down. And, we stuck to that which I do believe helped them learn to put themselves to sleep. However, falling asleep isn't the problem - it's staying asleep. We followed Babywise and even a lil bit of Dr. Ferber but to no avail. They were waking up around 6 times each up until about a month ago.......that means I got out of bed 12 times a night. dhnapeuvrhewa.......that's me cussing. 

I decided getting up to get them their passy's was going to be no mas.
It was.
It helped.
But, they still wake up 3 times a night to eat.
I wake up everyday convincing myself as my 1st cup of coffee brews "I will rally, I can make it through today"

I can't anymore.


Listening to them scream like that really does cause me physical pain. I feel like they were given to me and my only job was to make them feel safe, love them, and feed them every now and them when I remember. When they are inconsolable and I am deliberately letting them cry it rips at every maternal instinct in my body and my heart hurts.

Last night was our first night. I was awake from 12:30 - 4 listening to my sweet babies cry. It was horrible and worse than I thought it would be. And, because my daughter is sleeping in the closet I couldn't escape it.

"They" say it takes three nights. Here's hoping it does because I won't make it four.

So, if my twins end up in prision it's probably because they are having a hard time coping with their troubled childhood. They will probably have felt abandoned and motherless for these 3 nights. You know what that means? It means all of you who tell me crying it out works are responsible for posting their bail.

Oh, and can you all write me comments about how it worked for you so when I am bored/crying my eyes out all night I will feel a new sense of hope? Thanks.


Please let it only be 3 nights.