the bad , the ugly , and finally......the good.

ya know,
being a parent is so hard.


instead of getting thanked for your hard work,
you get screamed at.
because someone wants milk.
and you aren't getting it fast enough. because you are cleaning up pee. on a random surface.
instead of getting a bonus?
you get hit. and thrown up on.

and the worst part?
you don't get a redo.

you can't make a phone call to your boss to fix your wrong doings when your bosses are two and under.
you are raising human sponges.
that watch your every move.
and they soak it up.

you can't have a quick meeting the next morning with three toddlers and explain to them that you reacted poorly because you are just done.
that their screaming all day makes you want to pull your mother loving hair out.
and you flipped out because surely you thought on the 1,347th time, you thought they would realize that you were serious about not reaching up on the freaking counter.

your actions are their example.

the way you react to situations is their model.
that is intense, people.

it is tough going to bed and replaying the day.
slamming your fist on the counter out of frustration? probably not your finest moment.
or cringing remembering the deer in the headlights look your children gave you when you screamed at them like a maniacal psychopath.

i have had way too many of these moments in the past two and a half years.
there has been a lot of cringing.
i wish i could redo a lot.

i can't.
and that is a lot to think about.
for the past two and a half years i have not been the parent that i imagined i would be.

time was lost.
i needed to just make it to breakfast.
then to lunch.
and then in a few short hours, nap would be here.
then please lord let me make it to dinner. will i even make dinner?
bath time
and thank you, bed time, for coming through in the clutch and saving the day.

i am here to tell you, that is no way to live, my friends.
but that's where i was.
just trying to survive.
lost
and just trying to make it through the day.

the good news is, there has been a lightening around here.
those days are far and few between.

i am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.
the fog is lifting.

i am no longer surviving.

i am living.
with my children.

and it feels so good.
we are laughing and hugging a lot.

so i haven't been around here much because i am making up for lost time.

i may not ever make up for the past couple of years.
but it feels really good trying.

it is amazing experiencing days that i am used to reading about wondering when things would calm down enough around here.
so we could all just be happy.

we are all growing up around here. especially me.

slowly
but surely.

and we are having so much fun while doing it.