catastrophe of sorts.

hi.
remember me?
i write this blog.

i've been disconnected.
from you.
from the internet.
from the world.
from fb.
gasp.

i know what you're thinking.
you finally realized what is important in life.
it's being present.
it's living in the moment.
it's drinking up my children like a tall glass of lemonade. in a mason jar. with one of those cute striped paper straws.

nah so much.

i was doing laundry.
the twins got into a gallon jug of bubble solution.
they climbed on a table to climb on another table to reach it.
and got it open.
and dumped it on themselves and sweet baby stella.

all three started crying.
because, duh,
it got in their mouths.
and their eyes.

and bubble solution is disgusting.
you would think that they would have realized that by now
being that they somehow manage to drink it every other day.
but, no.
no, they haven't.

i swooped in.
kissed their faces as they blew bubbles out of their mouth. with actual bubble solution.
but, when i realized they had involved my cell phone in their shenanigans? i was pissed.
i don't even know how they got it.
but, because i am a good mom, i tossed the phone in the laundry basket filled with dirty laundry
(i know, you now know where this is going) and tended to sweet stella.
because she didn't have a say so in the matter.
she was bouncing away like a good little girl and bam! a bubble bath with actual bubbles.
oy vey.

after all 4,247 of my kids were happy and smiling again i continued along with my wifely duties.
and ten minutes into the cycle the loud thumping in my washing machine was annoying me.
yup.
she was in there.
sigh.

my phone was gone.
and shortly after, my computer crashed.
and the family room tv wouldn't turn on.


so, after four xanax and a glass of wine i came to terms with the fact that i was officially disconnected.
i'm kidding.
about the xanax.
and about coming to terms with being disconnected.
i never came to terms with it.

i woke up the next morning.
panicked all over again and reached for my phone to see what time the library opened.
oh.
wait.
no phone.
nbd.
i'll do it the hard way and actually get on the computer.
oh.
wait.
it is broken.

my heart started beating faster.

so i regrouped.
and decided i would act like one of those people who chooses to do this on a regular basis.
i don't know why you people choose such horror, but, i decided i would be one of you.
for as little as possible.

so we went to the library.
and i didn't check fb at a red light. because i couldn't.

instead i used that time to tell the twins over and over how the library is a quiet place.
and that we needed to respect that, and the other people in library.
they said they understood. all was well until we got to the kids section and chloe saw a

"giwaaaaaafffe! a giwwafffe, mommy!

loooooook a giwwwaffffeee!"

they had huge animals on top of the bookcases and chloe lost it.

luckily, she is so freakin' cute that most people just smiled.

these pictures depict a quiet and peaceful trip to the library.
these pictures are liars.

she found a book about "fwamingoes." and decided to show mommy how "fwamingoes" stand.
nice form, chlo, nice form.

and bubba found this. no lie.
and now they say "weah tweeins"
and my heart shatters into a million pieces.
it really is the cutest thing you have ever heard.

and then we came home and busted out the sprinkler.
because, what else do you do in february in tampa?
now you will see a lot of pictures.
that is
because
frankly, i have the cutest son that has ever walked the face of this earth.

coco sat on my lap the whole time because the water "is too cole mommy"
she started talking like a big girl monday.
in long adult like sentences.
but, i couldn't tell you because i was disconnected.
so here is a cute photo of her foot to make up for my stupidity.

my phone checked in the freezer for a one night stay after checking out of a bag of rice for a one night stay.
who knows if it will work.
until then?
i have an old phone.
blech. whatever. i can hit send and talk to a human.

and my bro-in-law, uncle nicky, is a techie genius so he was able to walk me through fixing my computer.

and matty got the tv fixed.

so all is well in my world again.

now, the important part.
what did i learn about being disconnected?
doing laundry makes bad things happen.
and being disconnected?
it sucks.
actually, it sucks worse than i thought it would.
i thought about/reached for/cried about my phone a lot. maybe that is an exaggeration.
disconnecting is not for me and i don't care to do it ever again.

unless i am, like, laying on a yacht. sipping chamapagne. with fabulous people. in the middle of ocean. in the bahamas.

which is actually happening people!

fo real, doe.
in april.
a legit girls weekend.

but, luckily one of those fabulous people is amy, of buggie and jellybean. and i know she has no interest in being disconnected, either.

now, hopefully disconnecting from the kitchen will be easier than disconnecting from technology.
cuz mama's got a bathing suit to get into!

holy feeling famous

my sweet stella's newborn pics are being featured on Spearmint Baby.
she has made her modeling debut on the west coast.
git it gurl.

go see her.

here is my original post with more of the pictures.

thank you, shari for sharing my girl with your fabulous readers.

just keep going

so.
matty and i got away this weekend.
for two nights.
and three days.
our friend got married and we made a weekend of it.
in a hotel.
for two nights alone.
and when i opened the door, there was a vase with hydrangea and white roses he'd had delivered.
to me, from him.
with a beautiful card.
well played, stratton, well played.

sunday we spent the day hangin over.
i got out of bed to eat oysters for brunch and wings for dinner.
that's it.
i slept in.
it was quiet.
we watched marathons of gems such as "billy the exterminator."
wait, what?
you don't watch it?
you're missing out.
billy is a beast.
it was quiet.
i didn't have to change any diapers.
i could close my eyes when i wanted to without fearing for my life.
or other peoples lives.

sound amazing?
it was.

it was just enough time away for me to crave my babies.
i missed stella's spit up smell.
i know, it was just as weird to write that than it is to read it.
weird, but true.
i missed chloe prancing on her tippy toes.
i missed my bubba's flailing arms as he runs.
i even missed hearing "mommy."


when i got home monday afternoon,
they napped.
still craving.
and they woke up.
and went to sleep for the night.
still craving.

and then they woke up on monday.
by 8:45 i was no longer craving.
in fact, i broke up with them.
all of them.

and it didn't help that my mom kept saying all weekend "they're just being such angels!"
part of me thought they had turned some corner. like, i would be coming home to good kids.

listen to me.
listen to me.
don't go on vacation without kids.
ever.
the risk does not outweigh the reward.
the long term suffering is not worth the short term peace.

just plow through.
all 18 years of it.

don't give yourself a chance to remember what it was like before kids.
to remember what complete freedom is.

matt and i stayed in bed and slept the entire trip.
i legit used to do that all weekend pre twins.
it's magical.

i woke up.
ate.
got back in bed.
watched lifetime.
ate.

the world was mine, baby.

now?
it's theirs.

but don't you fret.
before you get all judgy thinking i'm a terrible mother and i don't deserve my kids and such,
lemme tell you this.....
they were rather angelic today.
so we got back together.
in fact, we're serious.
so calm yourself.

i like to say they just missed me so much they didn't know how to handle my return.
i get it.

and mama, when i ask you to babysit in a couple of months because "we need to get away" disregard this blog, mkay?

oh, and i love and thank you so much for staying with my heart while i was gone.

apparently one day olds can eat solids.

and crawl.
she crawls now.
she took her first crawl steps on her sixth month birthday.
i can't handle.


i had stella yesterday.
yesterday i was in the hospital.
with a brand new baby.
and today she is eating.
and crawling.

with this kid i said i wasn't going to start feeding until she was around 8 months.
she doesn't need actual food. it's messy. it takes too long. i'm busy enough. boobs will do.

but,
this babe wasn't gaining enough weight.
so after a quick trip to the gi, i was told i needed to supplement with formula and i should start her on cereal.
since i rarely listen to my doctors, we ignored all of the above and went straight for the good stuff.

that rice cereal is nasty.
it reminds me of boxed mashed potatoes.
blech.
i wasn't subjecting my bebe to that stuff when there were yummy, healthy options to be had, right?

she obvi loves it.

how is my sweet pea already all grown up?

divinity

yesterday i was planning on making matty cheesecake.then i remembered i have two miniature tasmanian devils.
and one more in the making who is crawling b t dubs.
so i downgraded to white chocolate macadamia nut cookies. {his fav.}
that didn't happen either.

he came home.
and guess what?
he was holding a cheesecake.

i know, we should get married.

and i was planning on blogging tonight.

but,
you see,

i had this beautiful idea of putting a piece of cheesecake in the freezer.
just to see if it is actually possible for cheesecake to get any better than it already is.

it can.
it does.

so now i am in quite a pickle, you see.

i haven't blogged in a week but the only thing i can think of
or
want to talk about
for that matter

is almost frozen cheesecake.

until tomorrow, my friends.

decisions, decisions

today on the book i updated my status.
i know, you are shocked.

i put the following:

 I would like to conduct a survey.
Non-parents and parents -
You are in a public place, such as Target, and a child is screaming. You hear the mom say "stop screaming right now or I will take away your goldfish immediately." The child screams louder.

Which is MORE annoying?
A: The mom continues to give the child goldfish, negating the threat and not carrying through with disciplining.
B: She takes away the goldfish, following through with disciplining, but the screams get louder and more frequent.
C: Who cares and why are you asking such a ridiculous question on fb?

Thank you for your time and you may resume stalking more interesting fb content.

:::since i find myself in this situation more and more these days i truly wanted to know the answer.

from people with kids.
people without kids.
people who have older kids and may have forgotten how embarrassing kids can be.

everyone.

i wanted to honestly know how people feel watching a parent dish out a threat and then follow through with it.

do people actually appreciate the effort of someone who follows through with an almost two year old in hopes of raising a non-bratty ten year old? or even worse? bratty adult?

look, i think one of the most valuable lessons you can learn as a new parent is to throw what everyone else thinks out the window and trust your gut.

for me?

that in itself has been tough.
i like people to be happy.
i tend to be a chameleon.

amp up my game here.
quiet it down there.
be funny here.
sit and just listen there.

i do care what people think.
probably more than i should.

this all had to change once i had kids.
they don't always follow the chameleon rules. this makes it tougher to keep everyone happy.


luckily, i've learned one thing i don't lack confidence in is being a mother.


maybe that is why it has been easier to shrug off criticism aimed at my parenting, than it was in the work force.
solicited or unsolicited.

it is also the reason why i don't mind being so transparent on this blog.
i want to be honest. and real.
i love my kids.
they love me.
we have hard days.
so do you.

let's help each other.
let's make each other feel not alone.

today at target.
while chloe was screaming.
as i was five minutes from the check out line.
i was done.
i had spent four thousand hours.
getting them dressed.
finding shoes. shoes that matched.
getting them in their carseats.
loading two into the shopping cart while carrying the other through the parking lot into the store.
unloading them.
and reloading them into the cart that fit three kids.
for the second time. because the first cart had a broken strap.
it makes me out of breath.
i was invested.
i wasn't walking out of the store and starting over tomorrow just to keep everyone else happy.

we were thirty minutes from lunch and with my kids? you don't mess with lunch.
that is a whole 'nother beast.
i knew i had to act. and i had to act quick.

and most importantly?
we were out of wine. i know, how does one let that happen?


as chloe screamed for the third time i simply told her::

"if you scream one more time i will take your snack away and you will not get anymore."

girlfriend went up two octaves and three decibels right as i set my first item on the check out belt.


there was a pregnant woman behind me.
i noticed she had a few toddler clothing items.
being that she was in such close proximity of my little mariah carey i felt comfort knowing she would understand.
i took the crackers away and said "i told you not to scream again or you would lose the crackers and you chose not to listen."

all hell done broke loose.

girlfriend had a full on meltdown.
the check out guy couldn't scan fast enough.
and i couldn't have been more wrong about the "understanding mother" behind me.
she was cussing me out with her eyes.
along with the elderly woman behind her.

at what point do you give up to make everyone else more comfortable?
my opinion?
you don't.

kids are smarter than you.
they know what they can and what they can't get away with.
and they like to teeter on the line with four toes on the "can't get away with side."
it's my job to bring that chubby little foot back on my side.

they prey on your fear.
and every kid knows public place = best situation for a potentially awkward showdown.
they know it. and they like it.


i get that it is annoying to hear a child scream.
trust me. my own kids screaming annoy me.
but, i also know that i am molding human beings here, yo.
and i don't want brats.
instant gratification every time makes for a bratty child.
in my humble opinion, that is.


look.
like i've said it hear before.
it is embarrassing.
but being a parent is embarrassing. and humiliating.
but on the other side of that embarrassment is strength.
and confidence.

when i see a mother with a screaming child i hug her with my eyes, wink, give a half smile and a nod.
as if to say "you're good. you've got this. stay calm and don't let them win."

and i get it if you don't have kids?
and you want to punch me for ruining your shopping experience?
i get it.
trust me, i do.
i was a perfect parent before i had kids, too.
and my potential children would never do that in public either.
and i'm being serious, not snarky. it just doesn't always work out that way when potential children become real.

just remember, me nipping it in the bud now with a few minutes of awkwardness hopefully will result in you not having to deal with my adult child being a brat twenty years from now.

do you want to know the best part of the story?
i had my debit card in my pocket.
i got id'd.
i haven't been id'd in ten years.
i didn't even get my wine.

unbelievable.

::p.s.:: stella just had her first chocolate chip. i'm sure if she could talk she would thank her brother and sister.

domestic drama

it's amazing what two nights
of more than one hour of sleep
at a time
will do to you.

i'm not ready to talk about it.
yet.
but, things are looking upish in the catching some zee's department.

and a well restedish mama means generally cheery children.

because,
when i'm exhausted?
my babies are the ones who suffer.
and my husband.

about once a month i get to the point where
"i just can't do this anymore"

matt:: "what exactly is this?"

at this point i typically throw myself on the floor
sometimes i put my hand on my forehead for a little extra flair and say "this."
"all of this."
"i can't do it."
"you, them, this house, dinner, laundry. all of this!"

i need a real shower.
not just a quick bath.
i need to wash my hair.
i need to multitask and get results, not just make more work.


at this point, my pity party typically reaches an all time high.
i can't see through my tears and may or may not be on the brink of hyperventilating.

yup.
now i'm hyperventilating.

i tell him he will never understand.
he gets to pee alone. all day.
and if he wants a bag of funyuns?
all he has to do is go inside 7-11 and get them. by yourself. no kids or carseats or strollers involved.
"do you know how lucky you are?!!?"

now, i will have you know that this domestic drama breakdown has been occuring for almost two years now.
back then?
he was a terrible responder.
he still is.
at least for my love language.
but, he has come a long, long way, my friends. and i am extremely thankful for that.
it may have something to do with the fact that said outbreaks may not be 100% justifiable.
i'm not saying that, for the record. he might say that.

he simply can't understand why i am so ungrateful for my semi charmed life.
is there some truth to that?
at times.
staying present and grateful is tough. real tough, right?

at this point, i typically hold my phone, hover over my favorites and quickly rack my brain trying to figure out who to call.
who is going to have a sliver of sympathy.
who will be kind enough to put me on speaker, set the phone down and roll their eyes as i sob about how difficult this is. my life, my kids, my husband, a husband who doesn't get it.
because he never complains about his fourteen hour days, i shouldn't either.
he is a saint in that regard.
he never complains.

as of late, these domestic drama breakdowns are on the rise.
i attribute it to lack of sleep.
but, i can tell you, after two nights of semi sleep i can already notice a difference.
hopefully they will be on the decline.
i ran to my babies this morning.
and kissed them with my eyes. as soon as i saw their faces. and kissed their faces when i got to them.

and when sweet stella was crying out of sheer exhaustion for her nap?
i didn't join her.
i picked her up. and i rocked her until i heard her breathing change.
the pause, the sigh, and the slow down. the new pattern of breathing that says
"i am now dreaming, sweet, sweet dreams."

the stuff you miss when you spend a ridiculous amount of time feeling sorry for your self.
and your beautiful life.

i'm the first one to admit this blog is bipolar.

but that's where i am right now.
that's my life.
high, highs.
and low, lows, baby.

it's not all princesses, glitter and rainbows around here.
and i'm sure it's not over there either.
life isn't princesses, glitter and rainbows.
and that's ok.

i found this on pinterest today.
and since pinterest is obviously the gospel, i had a moment of clarity.

mine where:
happy
grateful
dramatic
and
passionate

it's true.
i am.
all of those things.

when i collapse on the floor, convinced that no ones life is harder than mine?
at the time?
i feel that way.
i really do.
and after a hardcore waterworks sesh,
a few hugs,
and matt rolling his eyes only two times, instead of the forty two times, that he used to.


i feel cleansed.
for another couple of weeks.
and i appreciate greatly that we have gone from forty two eye rolls, to two.

i have been told that this hysterical type of reaction or behavior is not conducive to a high stress environment.
i consider my life high stress. but that could be the dramatic in me. who knows.
keep calm and carry on, right?

i'm here to tell you, i don't have it in me.
those that do? really impress me.
i have become so much more patient since having children
but,
i think it's as good as it's going to get.

so while i am extremely greatful.
and happy.
the passion and the dramatic in me will probably overshadow the positive. at times. not always.

and i write here not just to complain.
and not only because i have exhausted those willing to put me on speaker and carry on with their day throwing in a sympathetic "poor thing" every few minutes.
but because everyone has it hard.
one way or another.
and if you can relate to my situation?
and you read and find yourself screaming

yes!
me too!
my kids yanked the curtain rod out of the wall today, too. drywall anchors and all!

and your husband doesn't tell you that no one could do a better job. or look better doing it everytime you are on the verge of a domestic drama meltdown?

come here.
i've got you.
no matter what it is about.
because i get it.
everybody's got their something.

p.s.::
what were your words?
tell me.
i really want to know.

revision::
matt's words::
happy: true
patient: extremely true
dramatic: absolutely, in his own way
outspoken: ummm yes. often it's too much.