And this was the point were I officially lost my mind.

So here we are.

Colton has mastered the art of crawling out of his crib.

Switching him to a bed is just not an option.

Why you ask?

A: I do not, will not and have not ever let me kids sleep in our bed. That's actually a lie, Colton did the night he was in the ER but it was a fail. He just kicked me all night and poked my eyes. If he can get out on his own he will try to sleep with me.

B: I worked hard to get my kids to stay in their cribs until 8:30.

After not sleeping for 10 months, I felt I deserved it.

So, I TAUGHT them to stay happy and entertained in their cribs until 8:30.

Every morning.

It's not negotiable and they know it. Well, it wasn't until he learned to crawl out. Hahaha.

C: I also trained them to nap at the same time every day.

I am just not giving that up. Yet.

D: I parent my children, they don't parent me. At least for now. In case I change my mind later I would like the "at least for now" in writing.

E: Anytime the twins are sleeping is my QT with Stella.

And let's be honest, a bed means more training.

And I'm tired.

I choose my battles daily.

And trust me, these kids win a lot.

This one?

They aren't winning.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

So Colton?

You've met your match.

Where do you think you got that stubbornness from?

Have you met your mom and dad?

On Halloween during these pictures,

Colton walked out of his room

He started laughing hysterically.

I must admit, so did I.

There is something about your kid who has been restrained for 19 months walking out on his own.

I couldn't believe it.

I thought to myself, one of my kids is in a pumpkin and the other just walked out of his room?

It was cute at first.

Especially when I thought we were done.

It didn't happen again.

Until Saturday.

And yesterday?

I realized I needed to bust out the big guns to make sure my boy knew what was up.

I listened to JoJo like a good girl

and put him back in his crib with no reaction.

Just picked him up. Put him in crib.

For and hour and a half.

An hour and a half straight people.

And, after an hour and a half I was cursing myself for laughing at all those moms on Supernanny who were crying and sweating after putting their kids in time out

over and over and over again.

I get it now. I get it.

At hour two I started tweaking out and getting a little crazy.

Obviously, the tweaking clouded my judgement.

For a minute?

I thought I had him.

He was rattled for sure.

In hindsight, duct taping a towel a couple of inches was ridiculous.

Now that my mind is clear I feel like I didn't even know my kid at the time.

A beach towel covering his escape spot was a weak choice.

It would take a lot more than that.

Clearly he took my towel

and raised me an escape in ten seconds.

So I went half way which rattled him again.

But now that I look back, I know he was just manipulating me into thinking I got 'em so I would continue to go easy on him.

Touche, little grasshopper. Touche.

 I then went with an all the way cover.

Unfortunately, at this point it was confirmed that the girl was indeed on his side, not mine.

She started pulling off tape within seconds.

I think this is the point when I started shaking.

With this escape, I found him in the top drawer of the dresser with

the

dresser

emptied.
He hopped out and I've never seen him move so fast.

(please don't judge the too short curtains in this pic. I ordered the wrong size, calm down, they're getting fixed) 

Just so you know, he throws his blanket, paci and pillow out of the crib prior to jumping.
This ensures nothing gets left in the crib, out of reach.

Don't tell him this.......

 but I like that he does that,

covering all his bases and all.

And this is the point where I went completely psycho trying to McGyver some contraption with saran wrap on top of his crib.

This is also the point where I took a breath and realized how crazy I was acting.

I opted out of photographing said insanity which, I think was the only good decision I made that afternoon.
But honestly,.

if only I had a little bit more saran wrap I think I could have done it.

After battling for three and a half hours with this kid, 

Matt came home from golf to find me in such a state that he gave me one look
and sent me to my room to regroup immediately.

Good call, babe.

Good call.

Cue to this morning:

I was woken up by my son jumping on top of me at 6:40.

I immediately knew Babies R Us would be our first stop today.

I got there at 9:30 to purchase my brand new crib tent.

The one that would take my life back to normal.

Or so I thought.

The kind gentleman informed me that they didn't sell them anymore because they were dangerous in case of an emergency.

Like a fire or something.

I quickly explained that this young man that my kid jumping out of his crib for three and a half hours was an emergency.

One that I needed him to fix.
Immediately.

I asked him to scan the aisles in his mind and think of something that would work.

He kindly directed me to the pack and play netting.

Bring it.

I'm all for some jimmy riggin'.

1st attempt: FAIL. And a quick one at that.
She helped shimmy it up from the outside aiding in his escape.

2nd attempt: Boom.

Caught in the act 

 3 rd attempt: Caught and so angry he couldn't get out.

Below, Chloe is giving him a little pat on the back begging him not to give up.

Why does she care you ask?

Because he feeds her books and other toys once he gets out.

How do I know?

I videoed it.

I'll post that once I find the cord. 

Pondering his next plan of escape.

Mom failed. 

I decided it was time to end this.

For real. 

She thinks I'm joking.

I'm not.

And this my friends?

was the winner winner chicken dinner.

Amazon will be overnighting my crib tent thankyouverymuch.

This is my life people, welcome to it.

xoxo,

The Mean Mom

And yes, I 100% realize me photographing this debacle doesn't help my "I'm serious" stance to the twins. But really, would you have believed me if I didn't?

And P.S. I just went to put dinner away and got angry all over again when I reached for the saran wrap and it was gone. True story.