and the plot thickens.

this is absolutely what you think.

twins really are awesome

especially my twins.

yesterday they had their first for real converstaion.
a full on deliberate conversation that only they could understand

there were pauses in appropriate places.
there were changes in intonation.
there were eyebrows that rose.
and there was laughing back and forth.
lots of laughing.

and at that moment my heart broke into six million pieces as i marveled yet again at the fact that i have twins.

my body made two babies at the same time.
i still get a little choked up everytime i think back to my first appointment when they showed
my body
making two babies on that little screen.

i've said before we do not have twins on either side of our family.
though i do feel compelled to say i actually have awesome twin cousins i must say,
their monther,
who married my blood cousin,
has twins on her side of the family.

make sense?

so for us, discovering the fact that two babies were in my belly was a complete shock.

recalling yesterdays convo, my high on twin life high was still going strong this morning.
it's no secret i stalk every twin blog i can get my hands on.
so today, when i woke up to this, my high got stronger.
and i kissed those twins like there was no tomorrow.
i want to copy and paste it and put my name on it like i wrote it.
i love this post.

you just can't explain or understand the highs and lows or the ups and downs of twin life unless you have twins.

well, you could if you have triplets.
but if you have triplets you aren't throwing us a pitty party, you're laughing at us.
which is totally understandable, i would laugh at me, too.

i knew celia was expecting twins but holy moley.
two babies with no drugs?
yikes.

it really is like a sorority.
one that you either want to be a part of so badly.
or,
you have no interest in at all.

very rarely are people in the middle.
out of the sixteen people who stop me a day,
i have never gotten
oh, twins, hmmmm, that could be cool. i guess?

it's either
i wanted twins soooo freaking badly.
or
i could never do that. how do you do that?

and p.s. god knows whether you can or you can't handle it.
that is why mothers of multiples, have multiples.
because they can handle it.

and i am so freaking happy that i am a part of your club.

amidst all the chaos....

we have some pretty beautiful moments.
nothing fills my heart more than my babies loving each other.

and since baby stella won't poop, today she drank from a bottle.
with some dark karo syrup in it.

that means my twinnies got to help feed her for the first time.

at this moment my heart shattered in 874 pieces.
it was so adorable.

she fed her for 28 seconds and was over it.
and she clapped for herself when she was done.
i love this little girl's confidence.

this boy loves his sisters like they are brand new every morning.
he's such a gentle giant.
he's just like his daddy.
he's going to be an amazing husband.
mark my words.

you can call me genius from now on

So the crib tent is supposed to arrive today.
Upon receiving it, I will head to the post office to return it.
You see, this afternoon, at nap time, I was shuddering at the thought of another two hour battle.

When it hit me.
I took out the mattress.
I removed the board it sat on.
I ran and got an allen wrench
and I unscrewed with a furry of hope like no ones business.

And.......voila.
Boom! Mama just saved $70 bucks.
Thanks Amazon, but we won't be needing your crib tent.

He tried
and tried
and tried.
And when he realized it wasn't going to happen,
he threw himself on his back and started kicking the crib.

And he succumbed to the inevitable.

or so I thought.............
this kid.

Luckily, he couldn't get through.
But I was a little worried he would continue to try.
So, I stood outside until he fell aslep and went in there as soon as I heard a noise.
Tonight Matt and I propped the mattress up a few inches just to make it safer and
voila.
All is well with the world again.

And this was the point were I officially lost my mind.

So here we are.

Colton has mastered the art of crawling out of his crib.

Switching him to a bed is just not an option.

Why you ask?

A: I do not, will not and have not ever let me kids sleep in our bed. That's actually a lie, Colton did the night he was in the ER but it was a fail. He just kicked me all night and poked my eyes. If he can get out on his own he will try to sleep with me.

B: I worked hard to get my kids to stay in their cribs until 8:30.

After not sleeping for 10 months, I felt I deserved it.

So, I TAUGHT them to stay happy and entertained in their cribs until 8:30.

Every morning.

It's not negotiable and they know it. Well, it wasn't until he learned to crawl out. Hahaha.

C: I also trained them to nap at the same time every day.

I am just not giving that up. Yet.

D: I parent my children, they don't parent me. At least for now. In case I change my mind later I would like the "at least for now" in writing.

E: Anytime the twins are sleeping is my QT with Stella.

And let's be honest, a bed means more training.

And I'm tired.

I choose my battles daily.

And trust me, these kids win a lot.

This one?

They aren't winning.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

So Colton?

You've met your match.

Where do you think you got that stubbornness from?

Have you met your mom and dad?

On Halloween during these pictures,

Colton walked out of his room

He started laughing hysterically.

I must admit, so did I.

There is something about your kid who has been restrained for 19 months walking out on his own.

I couldn't believe it.

I thought to myself, one of my kids is in a pumpkin and the other just walked out of his room?

It was cute at first.

Especially when I thought we were done.

It didn't happen again.

Until Saturday.

And yesterday?

I realized I needed to bust out the big guns to make sure my boy knew what was up.

I listened to JoJo like a good girl

and put him back in his crib with no reaction.

Just picked him up. Put him in crib.

For and hour and a half.

An hour and a half straight people.

And, after an hour and a half I was cursing myself for laughing at all those moms on Supernanny who were crying and sweating after putting their kids in time out

over and over and over again.

I get it now. I get it.

At hour two I started tweaking out and getting a little crazy.

Obviously, the tweaking clouded my judgement.

For a minute?

I thought I had him.

He was rattled for sure.

In hindsight, duct taping a towel a couple of inches was ridiculous.

Now that my mind is clear I feel like I didn't even know my kid at the time.

A beach towel covering his escape spot was a weak choice.

It would take a lot more than that.

Clearly he took my towel

and raised me an escape in ten seconds.

So I went half way which rattled him again.

But now that I look back, I know he was just manipulating me into thinking I got 'em so I would continue to go easy on him.

Touche, little grasshopper. Touche.

 I then went with an all the way cover.

Unfortunately, at this point it was confirmed that the girl was indeed on his side, not mine.

She started pulling off tape within seconds.

I think this is the point when I started shaking.

With this escape, I found him in the top drawer of the dresser with

the

dresser

emptied.
He hopped out and I've never seen him move so fast.

(please don't judge the too short curtains in this pic. I ordered the wrong size, calm down, they're getting fixed) 

Just so you know, he throws his blanket, paci and pillow out of the crib prior to jumping.
This ensures nothing gets left in the crib, out of reach.

Don't tell him this.......

 but I like that he does that,

covering all his bases and all.

And this is the point where I went completely psycho trying to McGyver some contraption with saran wrap on top of his crib.

This is also the point where I took a breath and realized how crazy I was acting.

I opted out of photographing said insanity which, I think was the only good decision I made that afternoon.
But honestly,.

if only I had a little bit more saran wrap I think I could have done it.

After battling for three and a half hours with this kid, 

Matt came home from golf to find me in such a state that he gave me one look
and sent me to my room to regroup immediately.

Good call, babe.

Good call.

Cue to this morning:

I was woken up by my son jumping on top of me at 6:40.

I immediately knew Babies R Us would be our first stop today.

I got there at 9:30 to purchase my brand new crib tent.

The one that would take my life back to normal.

Or so I thought.

The kind gentleman informed me that they didn't sell them anymore because they were dangerous in case of an emergency.

Like a fire or something.

I quickly explained that this young man that my kid jumping out of his crib for three and a half hours was an emergency.

One that I needed him to fix.
Immediately.

I asked him to scan the aisles in his mind and think of something that would work.

He kindly directed me to the pack and play netting.

Bring it.

I'm all for some jimmy riggin'.

1st attempt: FAIL. And a quick one at that.
She helped shimmy it up from the outside aiding in his escape.

2nd attempt: Boom.

Caught in the act 

 3 rd attempt: Caught and so angry he couldn't get out.

Below, Chloe is giving him a little pat on the back begging him not to give up.

Why does she care you ask?

Because he feeds her books and other toys once he gets out.

How do I know?

I videoed it.

I'll post that once I find the cord. 

Pondering his next plan of escape.

Mom failed. 

I decided it was time to end this.

For real. 

She thinks I'm joking.

I'm not.

And this my friends?

was the winner winner chicken dinner.

Amazon will be overnighting my crib tent thankyouverymuch.

This is my life people, welcome to it.

xoxo,

The Mean Mom

And yes, I 100% realize me photographing this debacle doesn't help my "I'm serious" stance to the twins. But really, would you have believed me if I didn't?

And P.S. I just went to put dinner away and got angry all over again when I reached for the saran wrap and it was gone. True story.

Once Upon A Time

Once Upon A Time....

there was a girl.

She started a new school.

She was nervous.

On the third day she wore the most fly pair of white Guess jeans

with a vest

and a pair of  pointy toe laced up ankle boots.

She looked good.

And she knew it.

She walked up to the teacher's desk

in 5th period geometry

to turn in her test

and a boy said in front of the whole class

"you have something on your butt".

She was so embarrassed so she did what she does when she feels vulnerable.

Retaliates.

She smirked and said.

"why were you looking at my butt?"

Somehow it worked.

The class laughed.

She felt vindicated.

She promptly vowed to hate him for the rest of the year.

She didn't.

They started dating.

He played football.

She was a cheerleader.

He let her wear his favorite Slippery Rock University hat.

On his jet ski.

No one wore that hat but him.

It flew off.

She was scared.

She knew he'd be furious.

He wasn't mad.

After that, she knew she had him.

They went to prom.

They graduated and started college.

He stayed home.

She moved into a dorm.

He told her she would dump him to do the "college thing".

She said she wouldn't.

He was right.

She wanted to do the "college thing".

He cried.

She felt bad.

They stayed friends.

She moved to Tallahassee

Five years later she wanted to come home.

She called him.

She knew he would help.

He was always there for her.

He used his muscles to move her things.

She cooked him dinner.

They decided they would try again.

She fell.

He wasn't ready for forever.

He broke up with her.

She cried.

He felt bad.

She moved to Ocala for a  job.

He came to see her.

A lot.

She knew he'd be back eventually for good.

He was.

He offered his heart.

Forever.

She took it along with a very pretty ring.

They got married

On a boat.

They promised forever and sailed away.

She got pregnant

With twins.

They bought a house.

Renovated that house.

And got pregnant again all within a year.

I know,

she still gets tired thinking about it.

She gave birth to the twins.

A boy

and a girl.

They loved each other more

She gave birth to another girl.

They loved each other even more.

He works so hard and listens to her complain about staying home with her crazy kids that she love so much

knowing in his heart that there is no place she would rather be.

He never complains.

The days are long and tough but they're in love.

Happy Birthday, Matty.

Thank you for figuring out forever with me.

You are my rock, my life, my best friend and I am so very proud of you.

cousins

I've got a plan.

Listen here kids,

Enough is enough.
This week has been one of the hardest since assuming my position as CEO of Stratton Inc.

All three of you are driving me insane.
Some more than others (READ: Chloe)

One day all three of you will leave this house.
And while I usually try to savor you in all your teeny tiny goodness,
today,
as I  nurse Stella,
in the kitchen,
standing up,
four shots of espresso deep,
while making you other two a quesadilla,
being careful not to burn her toes,
or my boobs,
which, let's be honest, aren't exactly sitting pretty like they used to be,
knowing wholeheartedly you will throw this quesadilla on the floor,
while standing in your high chair,
after me telling you to sit down for the 642nd time,
whilst shaking your grubby little fingers taunting me with your "no no no no no".

this week I am not.
savoring you in your teeny tiny goodness, that is.
I'm ready for an extended vacation.
Like, it may be time for you to move out.

So I started thinking, and moving you out at twenty months and three months isn't a sound option.
I realized, more than likely, we've got a good 16 years before I will get a break.

And I came up with a plan.
Something to look forward to
on days, or weeks like this.

You will be attending college, and that will more than likely be on our dime.
So while you are wasting away our
hard earned cash
at the campus watering hole
drinking cheap beer thinking you've won.
Please know, that as long as your father and I are sending you a check on the reg,
the following will occur:

You keep me up. All the time. I want sleep.
So, while you are trying to sleep off your hangover?
Expect phone calls. Lots of them. Turn your phone off? I will cancel your service.

I don't have time to get dressed. I put on what smells the "cleanest" and dip.
So when you need to be somewhere at a certain time please know I will take my time before hopping in the car to chauffeur you all around God's green earth.

You tell me no. A lot.
Expect to hear it back. A lot.

You take all my money.
No more True Religion or Tory Burch.
A portion of your Christmas and Birthday money goes back to me, baby.

You don't listen.
I won't either. Especially when you are asking for an extension on your curfew.

Your curfew?
Let's just say I will be catching up on my sleep. And on nights that you go out? I will be awake to make sure you're home. Safe.
What does that mean to you? An early curfew, obviously.

Every one always tells me how good you are. This means you are different children when I'm not around.
I will not let my pride get in the way.
I don't care about being the "chill" mom.
I will be different around your friends.
And not in a good way.

You destroy this house.
Expect it back. Ten fold.
I will come to your house for dinner, use a different fork for every course and dip.
I won't do dishes.
Think I'm lying? Ask Grandpa P. He told me the same when I was young.
I didn't believe him.
I do now.

Food?
Please don't find it weird when I decide I am done at your dinner table and instead of taking my plate to the kitchen, I throw it across the room.
Or, if I don't like what you serve? I'll just throw it on the floor.
I hope it will be liquid. So I can dump the bowl. It makes for a more interesting clean up.
On your part, that is.

Laundry.
Holy moley. Laundry.
Think you're bringing home bags for me to do?
Forget about it.
You will be doing mine. With a smile.

Diapers?
Don't change mine? You're out of the will.
This one is kind of weird
but today, I'm feeling it.
Unless you all have three kids under two.
Then I will give you a break.
But, only if you tell me you understand what I went through every day.
Out loud. Every day.
And you must tell me that I am one hell of a mother. Every day.


Please note, this list is to be continued and subject to change.
Like, every day you make me a little nuttier, I will add on. It will make me feel better.

I will win, in the end.

Sincerely,
Your crazy mother

3 months

i'm sending out an sos

Weeeeen

***Disclaimer***
This is an uneventful post with too many pictures that is mainly for the grandparents.

Weeeeeeeen.

That's how the twins say Halloween.
Ween is not to be confused with Nana, who is also Ween. But the twins call her Nana.
Did I lose you yet?

Anyshways.....

Holy Halloween!
I think it lasted all month for these kids.

It started the first week of October.
Auntie Jessy is a tad bit overzealous in the "spoiling her nieces and nephews department".
She came over armed with gold.
Melmo socks and glow sticks.
To the twins? That's gold.
And monster socks for baby Stell.
Hollar!

she asked to put on her bloomers after breakfast.

And we got booed.
Which, in my mind?
Means we have arrived.

We went to the pumpkin patch.
And at $20 a pumpkin, we skipped the pumpkin and left with just pictures.
I know, I felt bad.....but 20 bucks? Weren't they like $4 when I was a kid? I just aged myself, didn't I?

In my family, a trip to the patch is quite the production.

See what I mean?

********

We went to a Halloween party.

where they babes decorated cookies the size of their heads.

*******

We went to another party at Gran and Papa's church where Colton proved to be quite the equestrian.
That may be a stretch, he just cried really hard every time we made him get off the horse.
The horses to Chloe?
Meh.

******

And then there was actual Weeeeeen.

The twins were monkey see, monkey do.

And Stella was a cupcake. I forgot her pink frosting hat with sprinkles.
But I remembered the cherry that was supposed to go on top of her hat.

If you're still reading this?
God Bless you, you must really love my kids.