Magic

i never knew how much i would enjoy writing this blog when i began.
i started it purely to freeze time the only way i knew how.
to capture memories and put them into words.

it's so hard to stay in the now.
but i have been trying.
tracing and memorizing every little line indented in her hands and feet from being so overcooked.

i know this will probably be my last chance to soak up the mind dizzying miracle that is a newborn
so that is exactly what i am doing.
soaking.
it.
up.


i know in the very near future my sweet stella
won't need tiny mittens.
or sleep in a teeny ball of perfection on my chest.
i won't be able to feel her tiny little fontanels because her bones will grow together making her skull.
she won't have that pure sweet newborn smell.
she won't need to be covered in a blanket 24 hours a day.
or swaddled.
she won't make precious little animal noises when she is drifting in and out of her peaceful newborn sleep.
and
she won't bury her head in my neck like fitting like the last little missing piece to complete my puzzle.

she'll be up and running before i know it.
and i know how fast it goes.

when she came out i thought how could she be so small?
the twins were two pounds smaller.
and while i remember their first few weeks, when i close my eyes i can't see it.
i want to be able to see it.
and remember every emotion.
the fear.
the excitement.
the feeling of unbelievable gratitude for a healthy baby.
knowing my body not only made
but
also brought this tiny miracle into this big crazy place.
waking up every few minutes to make sure she is still breathing.
laying in my bed with her and knowing right now, my only responsibility is to feed, love and change her.
that's it.
feed
love
and change.

having a baby is just mind blowing.
you think you've got your emotions in check throwing around the
"been there done that with two at the same time" mentality.
but
nothing can prepare you for labor and giving birth to an actual living and breathing baby.
a new baby casts a spell on you that is arguably one of the greatest feelings of all time.

some days it is so easy to get caught up in the difficulty conducting the train that is my life.

with the twins not understanding that this baby is not a toy
or by standing on the table because they know i can't get up while i'm feeding the baby
it's easy to loose my cool.
i get frustrated and send them off
and then i miss them.

they're adjusting, too.
i need to remember that.
so we're rolling on the best way i know how.
by just keepin' on.

i know i complain.
and some days i do think i have it hard.
but like everything else in life, it could be so much worse.

and just as i am teetering the line of will a glass bottle of wine fix this
or
do i actually need a short stint at an insane asylum
i am reminded of what i have.
and i wouldn't trade this life for anything.

children are magic.
and all three of mine have me under quite a beautiful spell.