boobs and other things i need to get off my chest.

to all the guys whose eyes perked up at the word boobs, you can just turn around and mosey your way on outta here, mkay.

i'm not talking about pretty perky boobs, i'm talking breastfeeding up in here.

i have wanted to do a breastfeeding post for a while
however, not only does my dad read this blog
but
it is a highly debatable topic that i don't care to debate.

i just want to put my story out in the blog world in hopes that some mom that has huge engorged boobs because her baby won't latch on finds solace in my story.

i have friends who have given the most valiant effort ever and it just didn't work out.
i get that.
some people truly can't do it.
but, i also think you have to decide and commit 100% before the baby is here.
cuz guess what?
laying in that hospital crying from exhaustion clouds your determination.
so it makes it easy to say i tried and it didn't work.
and that ish is hard!
a lot harder than anyone told me it would be.

luckily more people than not told me "you can't breastfeed twins"
and done.
that's all i had to hear.
i would be breastfeeding twins.
partly because people said i couldn't, mostly because i feel like it is better for the baby.
and this is my blog.
and i'm allowed to feel that way.

i never really gave it much thought.
easy peasy.
babies come out and i feed them.
right?
wrong.
neither one would latch.

i remember being in the hospital crying as the most amazing nurse in the world, Melanie, held one baby and my husband held the other trying to get them to latch.
they all kept telling me it would get better. i didn't believe them.
i was just laying there like the livestock i had become sobbing and second guessing this whole process.
and not understanding how it could be so hard.
on the third night the babies started losing too much weight and the nurses said it was time to supplement.
at that time i believed the bottle was the devil, so sweet melanie convinced me to let her take the babies to the nursery by offering to cup feed my angels in the middle of the night so i could get a four hour stretch of sleep.
thank god she was so pro breastfeeding because a few other nurses were already hinting that i should just give up.
and with a little arm twisting and a few more pain pills and i was close to flirting with the idea.
i think without her i would have ended up a couple floors up in the psychiatric ward.

fast forward.

we got home.
they actually let us leave the hospital
with two babies
and no idea what to do with them.

it got worse.
where was melanie?
my boobs were exploding.
they were red and sore.
and, pam anderson had nothing on these bad boys.
i know this post is already tmi for some so i will spare other disgusting details.
i laid in the bath tub crying with hot wash cloths on my chest.
i had no choice but to pump.
enter the bottle aka the devil.

the twins were eating every 1 1/2 - 2 hours.
matt would get up with me at night, feed one and go back to sleep.
i was so jealous he got to feed then immediately go back to sleep.
we had many a whispering fights in those dark days but we would always wake up laughing about it.
we had a rule, nothing counted that happened in the middle of the night.
we knew how exhausted each other were and sometimes one wouldn't even remember what the fight was about the next day.

i had to stay up and pump.
for a half an hour.
i remember getting done pumping and realizing i then had to wash all the pieces, that was the worst part.
i would record and watch such gems as jerseylicious and some southern belles reality show and watch them as the pump whooshed away with tears pouring down my face from frustration, anger and exhaustion.
i still cringe when i think about that sound....

most twin parents told me those first few months would be a blur.
absolutely not.
i can close my eyes and still see it
i can still feel it.

i would always try to nurse each twin for at least 10 minutes and then resort to giving them a bottle of pumped milk when i realized once again, it wasn't working.
at this point it was taking the twins about 20 minutes to finish their bottles.
so, when matt wasn't around to help, the whole feeding/pumping process took about 90 minutes.
with them eating every 1 1/2 - 2 hours i had about 10-30 minutes to change diapers, wash bottles, change clothes
and then it was time to start all over again.
it was such a dark time and i honestly don't know how i did it.
not to mention we had just bought a house that we were in the process of renovating.
um what?

i started to hate breastfeeding.
i didn't feel any emotional connection,
just resentment that it wasn't working.
but, i knew it was better for my babies so that was it.
period.
i would push through and keep fighting.
i finally got to the point of cracked after teetering on the cracking/cracked line for a couple of weeks.
since i couldn't drink wine to make it all better i visited the most amazing lactation consultant ever.

however
the twins were out to get me.
they would latch on for her!
we would weigh them before and after and they were not only latching on but eating too.
huh?
matt and my mom were so great.
they would go to my appointments to help me.
we would be so excited that we had it all figured out.
we'd get home and bam.
they wouldn't latch.

i would spend all 5 minutes of my "downtime" cursing thinking about the next feeding cycle.

cue to 2 months.
one day it worked.
i don't know how?
i don't know why?
but it just happened.
a few people thought since the twins were "premature" maybe they just needed time to develop more.
who knows.

all i know is that it was two months of hell
and then it all of a sudden it became better.
no more pumping.
no more bottles.
and around five months it became so much better.
sigh of relief.
but, for five months it hurt.
"they" said it wasn't supposed to.
"they" lie.
it is hard work and it hurts.

i had it in my mind that i would nurse them for four months, then six months, then a year.
however
then we found out there was a baby in my belly.
the dr's suggested i stop nursing at my first appointment. not only could it be taxing on my little peanut but i was feeding four people with just my body.
i couldn't stand the thought of not making it a year after all my hard work.

so they said i could keep going for another month with more water and more food.
um ok. more food? no problem making sure that happens.
they wanted to make sure i was gaining enough weight.
ha.
never heard that one before.

we are in the weaning process now.
i am dropping one feeding a week until their first birthday.
so i will make it to my goal.
which is actually far more rewarding than i thought it would be.

i feel like after all my struggles and success i deserve one of those honorary phd's
like those celebrities.
you know, kinda like how elton john is a knight just because?
well, i'm kind of like an honorary queen with an honorary phd in breastfeeding.

so i am writing this post in hopes that when my twinnies are 16 disobeying, staying out past curfew and not getting good grades that i can pull this post out and make them realize what i went through for them.
hopefully they will feel guilty and then just want to stay at home with me snuggling on the couch, watching lifetime movies and telling me how i am the most amazing mother during commercials.

that's probably what will happen.

i mean, that is one reason but, the main reason i write this is because i want people to know just like everything else in life, it's not like the movies.
it's really hard.
the good news is, if you really want to do it, you usually can.
you just have to stick with it.
if people are telling you your supply is low don't listen, you'll start to believe them
go to a lactation consultant and have the baby weighed before and after you feed so you know for sure.

and, if you're anything like me, just have people around you tell you you can't.
it worked for me.

and for the record, somewhere along the line i did develop that emotional connection.
i don't know when or where but i know now that i'm weaning, i'm sad.
maybe it's because it's time together that i will never get back.
or maybe it's because it's the next step in them becoming more independent and not needing me.
i guess i should start car shopping and looking at wedding dresses for chloe.
sheesh.

and p.s.
i feel like a badass
i kept twins living
and breathing
and growing
all by myself.

i did it
and
if i can help anyone anytime, i will.
just holla.

Sincerely,
Dr. Stratton